When do I bring up the abuse?

[Glamcourtney]

Hey yall. So I am 25 years old; I'm currently waiting to receive a court date to finalize my divorce from my abusive husband. We were married for four years, and the physical, sexual and verbal abuse went on for a good 3.5 years of it. I moved out of our house in December of last year and found a divorce attorney soon after. I had pretty much "checked out" of our marriage by August/September of last year, so I've been in the healing process for many months now.

Fast forward to this month. I went on a date with a new guy on April 3rd. I'd been on a few dates with several other men before, but nothing had ever come of it. I don't seem to have any trust issues or anything like that; turns out I'm pretty resilient. Anyway, so this guy asked me to be his girlfriend last weekend, and every moment we spend together, we are all smiles and we are just absolutely smitten with each other. We're definitely still getting to know each other, but I really really like him, and I know he feels the same way, if not moreso. My only concern is, I have not given him any details surrounding my marriage. All he knows is that I'm getting a divorce and my ex "isn't a good person." Beyond that, he hasn't asked questions and I haven't divulged details.

However, I feel like he has a right to know. I owe him an explanation for my jumpy, skittish behavior and my compulsive tendencies. My question for yall is: when do I tell him the whole story? Do I wait until one of us drops the "L" word, or should I sit him down tomorrow and explain everything? What do yall think? Thank you in advance.


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[Eastsiderider]

Really the easiest way to tell anything to anyone esp. if the topic is emotionally hard etc. is to write them a letter. You'll get to think about what you write there and it's easier to get every topic covered, he also has the privacy to really think about it all. If he really likes you, even loves you or even if you were just a random person, a good hearted man would not turn away from you. I think anyone decent would be understanding of your past. If not, then I do not think it's worth a while at all. But I know he'll understand

Hope this helps and good wishes to you

[imnotfatimbigboned]

^^^Well said! I agree and good luck Hon:) I was in the same situation many years ago and I told my new man who is now my hubby what happened and he understood and did not judge.

[Mesee1989]

The question of when do I bring up "the abuse" comes up frequently. What exactly does that mean? To understand when you should talk about abuse, we first need to know what abuse means. Abuse is defined as any behavior that violates a person's rights. In order to understand this, we need to define some terms that will help us make sense of what abuse means. Abuse refers to negative actions taken toward a child (or adult). A person who abuses children is a pedophile. Someone who abuses adults is called a sexual abuser. When someone commits abuse, they intentionally violate another person's rights. If you commit abuse, then you have violated your neighbor's right to safety. Your neighbor would be able to feel safe if he/she knew you were not abusing him/her.
For example, when you beat your wife, you have abused her because she doesn't have the same rights as you do. You have harmed her. Also, when you bully others, that is abusing them. When you hurt animals, you are harming their rights to live freely. So, let's look at how to figure out when you should bring up abuse.
What should I say to my child when he hits his sister?
If I catch my son hitting his sister, I'll probably tell him, "You cannot hit your sister!" That's the easiest way to stop the problem. But that isn't enough. There are many other things you could say to your son:
• Tell him how bad the punishment is. Say, "I'm going to take away all your toys."
• Give him a time-out. Explain to him that he has been behaving badly and that he needs to calm down. Ask him to sit quietly for 10 minutes.
• Try to get him to apologize. Apologize for hurting your sister.
• Give him something nice to eat or drink.
• Take away his favorite TV show.
• Don't punish him further.
Sometimes, I think our society is just too lenient when it comes to kids. We don't want to believe that our neighbors' kids might be involved in some kind of abuse. We think the kids are just being naughty. Sometimes however, abuse really happens. If you suspect abuse is taking place, you should absolutely report the incident. You shouldn't allow yourself to be silent! Remember that your silence may encourage the abuser to continue his abusive ways.
What should I do if I notice my daughter is being sexually abused?
Once again, if you suspect abuse, you should speak up and seek help immediately. You don't have to wait until you see physical evidence. You can easily recognize the signs of abuse without actually seeing anything. Here are some of those signs:
• She tells you that the man touches her in private places.