Age difference?

[DaylightAmy]

Hi all!

Okay so this isn't necessarily relationship-related for ME, I'm in a wonderful and loving relationship with someone who is 1 year older than me, but this subject just popped into my head after a discussion I had with workmates last week that left a nasty feeling in the back of my mind.

I should stress I work with mostly guys, and so this discussion was with mostly guys. I'm 29.

We were talking about some show (doesn't matter which one) and the guys were commenting on a female castmember who is really beautiful and attractive but whose character on the show really stale and underdeveloped, but that she was still the best looking person on the show. They asked me what I thought, I said "not my type" and they asked me who I DID find pleasant on the eyes on the show. I named an actor who's around 49 in real life.

This resulting in instant "Oooh Amy has daddy issues", which frankly REALLY offended me on a level I did not expect from them just meaning it as a joke... it almost feels like an insult to my emotional maturity and also towards my father, who was very much present and loving during my childhood and who does not deserve people telling me I have some kind of issues to do with him. I was actually extremely uncomfortable... but they continued on the subject and wouldn't let it go.

It just made me think. When a guy my age (late 20s, early 30s) likes women a decade or two older, it's a fetish. When a woman finds a man a bit older than her attractive, it's instantly "DADDY ISSUES"/"GOLD DIGGER" w/e. It legitimately bothered me because it indirectly suggested I have to prove that I don't have an odd relationship with my father, which is borderline public humiliation.

So I've started wondering if there are any girls or women out there who actually HAVE dealt with this in real life, and how you felt, and how you dealt with it?

Just to be super clear I'm not here to defend 40 year old men dating 17.5 year olds in school uniforms. I'm just questioning the way society assigns blame, victimhood and what is and isn't natural.

Amy

[Coffee]

When it comes to relationships, people are always gonna say something. Not only will they make comments to those who date people who are older, but they will also say things about those who date people that are younger than them

Everyone has different opinions regarding age gaps in relationships; don't let what they say get to you

[Venrajde]

I think it's completely normal to be ATTRACTED to men who are older, it would be less normal to have a relation with that big of an age gap but at 30 it wouldn't really be that weird? I think of age gaps as becoming an issue when there are pivotal life changes that have occurred in one partner's life but not the other's. For example when in high school I think the age gap should be quite small because you are changing so so much in such a short period of time that dating out of your age range is going to cause issues whether it's not having anything in common with your partner or having the older partner straight up taking advantage of the younger partner's inexperience.

Same thing with university-- the age range opens up a bit but I remember being in my second degree and seeing freshman and thinking they were like kids. When you get out into the "real world" it's a lot different. The younger partner is more stable and the huge life changes impact less.

That being said we're pretty conditioned to seeing older men more virile than older women-- I have never been attracted to squeaky clean younger looking men. Right now my major celebrity crush in Mark Strong and even though I would never date someone that much older than me in real life he sure is handsome.

[Itsjustaride]

I think men get jealous when they hear girls are attracted to older guys. It's actually completely normal because biologically women are attracted to a male that would make a good provider and protector of a family. This is something young men just can't provide yet...so they get angry and shame women who are just feeling something natural.

Also, biologically speaking, men are maybe attracted to younger women because they are looking for the most fertile mate.

In the mating game men are valued for accomplishments, money, and wisdom (all things that come with age) and women are valued for their reproductive value (which comes with youth). This is of course just primal stuff that most humans can evolve past so it is not set in in stone that this is how it works, but take from it what you will. These caveman values still sometimes seep through...

Hell, next time they say they are attracted to some young thing, call them pedophiles hahha jk but it's unfair that they said that to you, don't feel weird about being attracted to somebody older, it's completely normal. Those guys sound very immature.


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[DaylightAmy]

Thanks so much for all your input guys!!

I really did think about it a lot because they seemed quite aggressive about the jokes, even though we're always great buddies and they have always been really respectful... and it's made me think that you are 100% correct Itsjustaride. The only people I've seen respond that way are young men... hell knows no fury like a young white heterosexual male rejected? They were just downright vile about it, when they never are like that. I think it IS a threat/jealousy/competition thing. Where the only reason they can fathom a girl wanting something that isn't like them, is if the girl is broken or just after money - because that's the main response to those age gaps; daddy issues or gold digger (and I'm not referring to 20 year old Anna Nicole marrying a 70 year old ).

It really irks me because it's such a subtle double standard that I hadn't noticed it before... it's cool for 16 year old boys to talk about MILFs, but when a grown woman wants to date an older man, it's daddy issues... yeah right.

Anyway, I'm completely happy with my partner (who is just 1 year older) but I just for a moment felt REALLY judged.

I talked to another friend at work about the situation afterwards (he is gay, it does matter in the point I'm about to make) and he said; "And they say women are catty... wait until you meet a heterosexual man who feels his superiority is being threatened in some way!" LOL.

[OutOfStep]

I've dated a man 14 years my senior, with him being in his 40s. I have no daddy issues, I just had never felt better with anyone else.

Eventually that ended and am now dating a boy 2 years my junior. Also just because I feel better than with anyone else.

Just do what nourishes you

[KeepingUpWithMyself]

i've had to handle this "daddy issue" thing too eventhough i dated a guy who was 12 years older than me. Just because people knew my parents split a few years ago. I guess no one would have said that if they were still together... some people just wanna provocate you.
My boyfriend now is 8 years older than me and i couldnt care less what people think about that gap. my grandparents are 9 years apart from each other, and are married for 52 years... that proves that age is sometimes just a number.

but ive had that discussion with one of my colleagues too and he described himself as a milfhunter... when i asked him what his definition of the word is he said "she has to be older than me and a kid already, even if its just a year shes older than me".
that made no sense to me at all..

[Marvinlaf]

But if his mom wrote happy 20th birthday just a few months ago...

How can he be 24? So is he lying about being older?

I dont get it, either way...sounds confusing lol. But yes, definite red flags if he cant even be honest about his age.