Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

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changestyle
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Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by changestyle » Tue Jan 01, 2013 4:16 am

Hi guys,
I really need some advice on how to handle a break up because I am devastated and handle it in all the wrong ways. I sometimes even contemplate ending my life because the pain is so bad (i need help).

So I have been with my ex for about 4 years. We have broken up several times in the past year because of multiple different reasons. Some of the reasons were because I thought I may have feelings for someone else (that is no longer an issue), and the other main reason was because his dad died just over a year ago and he has never been the same since.

We are both currently 23 years old and the sudden death of his father from cancer really effected his life. He became depressed, withdrawn, and told me that he didn't think he was capable of having a girlfriend anymore because it may be easier for him to heal without one. He said this was because he only has to think about one person (himself) versus both him and me. He said he felt like he was unable to make me happy because of his grief and life was easier without a girlfriend. He did say that he still loved me and I agreed to give him some time for him to heal and decide if we could be together again.

So that break up was immensely hard and i dealt with it by partying non stop. Then sometimes i would be so hurt i would call him crying hoping he would say anything to cheer me up. I also came home intoxicated one night and felt like i wanted to commit suicide from the pain. He just kept saying that he didn't know if we would ever get back together but felt bad to tell me to wait. We still talked sometimes and saw each other once and a while and eventually got back together.

After this breakup came the one where i dumped him because i was afraid that i had feelings for someone else and then in the summer of this year we got back together.

So since the second breakup we have been going strong and I felt that everything was going really well. I was very happy and am very much in love with him to the point that i would get frequently scared we would break up because I didn't think i could handle the pain again.

So tonight, on new years eve we were on our way for a dinner and he was in a really bad mood and refused to tell me why. He said he wouldn't tell me because it would ruin new years but he has never been so secretive about anything before. So of course, I bugged him and eventually he told me that he wasn't sure about us anymore. i completely broke into tears immediately because i was so surprised and upset. He said that for about a week he has been feeling unsure and he has no idea why. I asked is it because of someone else, did i do something?, is it the way i look ( i gained about 15 pounds over the past two years we have been together). He strongly denied all of them ( and he is the type to tell me the truth, i think). He started crying and said he was very upset as well because he said he doesn't want his feelings to change and still loved and cared about me. He also said he is still physically attracted to me.

So basically after that we went back to his house to talk and we both sat there hugging each other crying and he said he needed a break to decide if he thinks we should be together. He also kept telling me he loves me the whole time and that he is sorry and that since his dad has past away he has a hard time knowing how he feels about anything. I asked him how this possibly randomly came about and he said he honestly doesn't know and he thinks it might be an accumulation of the past 4 years?

So then i came home and literally broke down. I was hysterically crying and having an anxiety attack at the same time just from the sheer heartache i am experiencing. I have never experienced anything like this before and I honestly love him so much i would give everything i own just for us to be together again. It gets to the point where the pain is so bad i feel like i cant stand it and i contemplate hurting myself and it comforts me that i have the option to commit suicide if i wanted. I also ended up calling him because i was so upset and he yelled at me and said i wasn't giving him his space. He also said he thinks it will take a few weeks for him to decide. He also said he still wants to talk to me and see me during this period. I honestly get in such hysterics when i think we are broken up or he has hurt me that i cannot function and cry all day long. When i called him i was in one of these hysterics and he said i was making things worse.

Can someone please please give me some advice on how to handle my heartache better and opinions on my situation? I don't want to walk around thinking we will get back together if there is little chance. I cannot go through this pain again. My whole world feels like it has fallen apart and I literally feel like i am dying inside. I also need advice on how to not call him when i am in such a state that i feel like i would rather commit suicide than live. I know that i sound like such a drama queen but like i said he was my best friend, and my favourite person i know. I don't understand how he can do this to me if he still loves me and is attracted to me.


Please help GG

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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by Diorette » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:46 pm

I'm not good with the advice thing but I'll try.

I read everything you wrote and I couldn't help but think that he's an idiot, I understand how it feels to lose someone you really love, but it sounds more like an excuse to break up with you.
You have to realise that being with someone like him is affecting you in a really bad way and if you don't end that relationship it will get worse, you can't depend on someone, it's obvious that his mood is very unstable and you deserve someone stable who won't make you feel like that.
He needs some serious help because he has mental issues that need to be fixed.
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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by WhatTheFudge » Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:33 pm

That is an incredibly rude way to put it, Diorette.

Changestyle, I know how it feels to go through something like that. It's important that you find yourself a support system that you can rely on. Think of those people and all the things you want to accomplish in life. I know it's incredibly hard, I know, but a lot of the reason for me not doing anything remotely crazy and dangerous is due to the impact on my loved ones. You need time. Maybe those feelings might never go away, but with time it'll get easier to deal with.
To avoid bothering him... I've heard all this stuff about how supposedly people can come around when you're not smothering them and just work on yourself. Stay strong. Remember that if its meant to be it'll happen and if not, you'll have better. Keep your head up, and remember we're always here for you.

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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by Diorette » Tue Jan 01, 2013 8:41 pm

WhatTheFudge wrote:That is an incredibly rude way to put it, Diorette.

Changestyle, I know how it feels to go through something like that. It's important that you find yourself a support system that you can rely on. Think of those people and all the things you want to accomplish in life. I know it's incredibly hard, I know, but a lot of the reason for me not doing anything remotely crazy and dangerous is due to the impact on my loved ones. You need time. Maybe those feelings might never go away, but with time it'll get easier to deal with.
To avoid bothering him... I've heard all this stuff about how supposedly people can come around when you're not smothering them and just work on yourself. Stay strong. Remember that if its meant to be it'll happen and if not, you'll have better. Keep your head up, and remember we're always here for you.
Sorry if it sounds rude to you, I don't mean it like that.
All I'm trying to tell her is that he's affecting her and she deserves someone who doesn't change his mind that much, that's it, if it sounds rude, I seriously wasn't trying to act rude.
With mental issues I don't mean that he's crazy, but that he needs help of a psychologist and everyone can need help of one, that's just my personal point of view of the topic, I could be completely wrong.
However, if I offended both of you, I apologise.
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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by whoa » Tue Jan 01, 2013 8:48 pm

Diorette, I feel your post was pretty rude.

I am going to give you my advice as someone who went through a loss that almost cost me my relationship. When my nephew died I tried with all my might to push my boyfriend away. It is understandable for him to think that he needs to focus on healing himself. To me it sounds like he has never fully healed and it is causing him to go into a dark place every so often. To this day I do the exact same thing to my now husband.
If he hasn't allowed himself to fully heal yet then your relationship will continue to have its ups and downs. Maybe if he needs this time apart because of that you should offer to be his friend to help him as much as you can. This way you two can remain in each others lives, but he can really focus on healing himself.

As for you, to me it sounds like maybe you need someone to talk to. If you have had sucicidal thoughts then you realllllly need to see help. That is a flag that there is a deeper issue with you that is causing you to feel that way. One should never let feelings for someone cause them to want to end their life after a break up. I am not blaming you in any way for these feelings because I know that most times you can't control it. If I were you I would talk to your doctor and let them know about these feelings because if you ever want any relationship to work out in the long run you have to work on your mental stability.

Hang in there hun if it is meant to be then it will all work out in the end. It sounds like you both are having a rough time in life and need to deal with them before you can be together and happy.

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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by Diorette » Tue Jan 01, 2013 8:50 pm

Oh please tell me why it sounds rude S:
the last sentence in fact sounds rude, I should've posted it in a different way.
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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by Diorette » Tue Jan 01, 2013 9:01 pm

Reading it again and yes, in fact I acted pretty rude, I apologise to the OP because that wasn't my intention and I acted really cold towards her boyfriend :oops:
I'm really ashamed because this is not the first time i make that mistake.
(I can't edit because my internet takes forever to load pages)
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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by changestyle » Tue Jan 01, 2013 10:54 pm

Thank you guys for your help and support. Diorette its okay I understand why you said that. And Whoa, since i have never experienced a loss of someone so close to me in the way that you and my boyfriend have it is hard for me to understand how he is feeling. Your advice helps me out alot because it puts what he is doing more into perspective. I am not 100% sure that this breakup is totally related to the loss of his dad but like I said he has not been the same since and he mentioned not being able to figure out his feelings since his dads passing. I have tried to arrange for him to go talk to a professional several times and he keeps saying he is not ready to talk about his dads death to anyone. He also doesn't talk to me about it alot so i usually have to drag things out of him because he is closed off. I think I will take your advice and offer to be his friend and help him through things if he is really dumping me because he is unable to heal. However, if he just plain doesn't like me anymore theres nothing i can really do about that.
Also whatthefudge, I am going to take your advice as well and try to avoid calling him again or anything with the hopes that he may miss me and decide he does in fact want to be with me. I've been told that pestering him is the worst thing i can do.
And yes Diorette I agree and do want and feel i deserve a relationship that is going to be stable with someone who can fulfill my needs. So if he does decide he wants to be with me I am really going to make sure he is certain that he can handle it.

Any other advice or opinions are would be appreciated as well.

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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by Diorette » Tue Jan 01, 2013 11:43 pm

I'm glad you understand what i mean. Good luck with your relationship <3
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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by queenofspades » Wed Jan 02, 2013 2:35 pm

First of all, I want to say I know how it feels to love someone so much to the point where you feel like the floor's swallowing you when they threat to leave your life. I've been through it and I could totally relate to the feelings you described. I also had bouts of crying and anxiety attacks that were so terrifying and devasting I questioned how I coupls possibly cope with it in the long term.

As for your situation,

It really sounds like your boyfriend was devasted with his father's passing. While some people handle it fairly well, others take a long, long time to recover. I believe the feeling of loss and sadness he's experiencing is so big, he can't think about himself and his own relationships for the moment. In those moments, people feel so bad and unstable they question everything in their lives.

Naturally, he questions his relationship with you. He might be so deep down in the dumps that he can't "feel" your company nor take pleasure in it. Similarly to when one's so sick one can only focus on one's own pain and discomfort. He might feel like he needs to be alone for the time being. Or me might feel like he's failing you, failing at making you happy and failing all of his "boyfriend" duties. He might feel like you deserve better than him. Or that the change might help him cope.

Times of loss are times of change. Many times we feel like the only way to ease the pain will be to stay away from everything that connects us to our past, where the memories of the lost loved ones still live. It's the illusion that you can "change" if you just stop looking at the same things, going to the same places, talking to the same people.. The "new" things and habits might give us the feeling that we're born anew and that our pain has no place to subside in our "new world". But it is a big mistake. Pain is in you, not in the people or things around you. And that's why the people who once got rid of everything and everyone always tend to come back searching for what they now know they should never have left.

I don't think your boyfriend's leaving you for any reason other than the illusion that being alone might help him cope. You might want to accept his arguments and give him some space. But let him know that you are there and that he can come back whenever he wants. Don't call him all the time but leave him a message that shows that you care every now and then. He'll probably be away for some time minding his own business and dealing with his pain but trust me, he'll come back to you for he knows he'll find in you the love and care no one else will give him. Eventually you'll see him try and reapproach you and you'll know when he's ready to be with you like he was before.

In the meantime, take good care of yourself, try to be happy, try to be the best you can be at everything that you do. You too might need to start something new but for all the good reasons. A hobby, a new interest, a new place to go, some new friends...

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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by WhatTheFudge » Wed Jan 02, 2013 5:15 pm

queenofspades wrote:First of all, I want to say I know how it feels to love someone so much to the point where you feel like the floor's swallowing you when they threat to leave your life. I've been through it and I could totally relate to the feelings you described. I also had bouts of crying and anxiety attacks that were so terrifying and devasting I questioned how I coupls possibly cope with it in the long term.
Do you have any coping suggestions? This is me...this was me (anxiety attack and all) ...and I still suck at coping (I now have depression).

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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by crazycandy » Mon Jan 07, 2013 4:21 am

please dont see it as something bad. i do think that he loves u but he has problem of his own. and yes it does add to it when u call him when you're a nervous wreck. he has the burden of his dead father and u adding more burden on his shoulder, any time soon he cant carry these burden no more. in some ways it seem like you are suffocating him.

advice
Be the best u CAN be
Dont look at it as the end of a relationship (cause it might not be, but u keeping thinking it will be, and this will write your own fate)
Focus what u want to do in life, life is not just about relationships.
Build relationship with friends and family, even make new friends
learn a new skills, have other interest and hobbies
Occupy yourself in a more positive way (drinking makes things worse) (self harming is only a bad reminder).
learn to cope on your own and that its ok to be on your own sometimes
Accept changes, and work around changes
listen to music, HAPPY music
if u must, hate him, this emotion have to be strong enough for u to move forward and want to change
Value yourself
get back you independence
seek help when u need it to the right people (internet for self help, friends or profession)
picture what kind of girl u want to be and be that girl
no one can do this for you but only YOU
You are not alone

i dealt with heartaches and panic attack and felt worthless. but i pick myself up and move forward. the massive changes made my ex want me back (which is a stuff u moment to him). and i was a clingy person but honesty i'm happy to be on my own and love the space (no dead weight). i'm not 100% a strong person but at least i cope better now.

i really hope this helps u <3 took me awhile to write the advice part.

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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by Guest » Mon Jan 07, 2013 6:27 am

Excellent post CrazyCandy

Let me offer this..I'm 49..I've been married to the same man for 25 years. Met him when I was 15 so we dated for years before getting married..Now that I look back on my relationship..This guy never really loved me..I chased him..He did horrible things like cheat and I always took him back..I never had any confidence in myself. Don't make my mistake..There is a man who will put you on a pedestal..You just haven't met him yet...Time doesn't change anything..If you feel crummy now..just wait till your trapped..Like I was..Financially and emotionally.

Good Luck.. :love2:

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Re: Please Help, I am devastated and feel like dying

Post by crazycandy » Mon Jan 07, 2013 12:27 pm

thanks Sinjin,
i can just imagine how awful it is u went through and for 25 years, mine was 5-9 years, was really hard to break the cycle i created and it didnt help being with the wrong person(s). bad relationship can change us for the worse.
i hope everything is better for u now Sinjin

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