My ongoing breakup story

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kathpt
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My ongoing breakup story

Post by kathpt » Fri Aug 12, 2016 8:46 pm

I'm so sorry this is so long. But I just need to feel understood. I may sound incoherent at times and I'm aware I left out certain things that seem important - I just can't deal with this on my own right now and my friends aren't being that supportive at the moment.

This was my first relationship. Met him about 15 years ago (we're both 25) and we lost contact for a good 10 years but the last 5 we'd talk a lot during summer for some reason. Then one year it stuck (2014). I've always been a person that doesn't go out a lot, not because I don't like to go out, but because I never had many friends to begin with. When we started being friends again, there wasn't a weekend night I didn't go out to have fun with our friends. His friends became my friends and my friends became his friends. We were just friends.

Fast forward to February 2015 I realise... maybe I like him. Yes I do, I like him a lot. I spent a couple weeks trying to deal with the fact that I developed feelings - or that maybe they had always been there - for this goofy, kind, dimple faced, totally gorgeous blond... friend. What would I do with these feelings? I did nothing. He met someone late February. A friend of a friend... I saw it happen right in front of me: 'do you wanna dance?' - 'sure!', he replied stopping the conversation we were having and left me sitting there, alone, for the rest of the night. I accepted it right there and then but it broke me. Broke me to pieces. How could I compete with a girl with a contagious personality that has a piercing and is confident as fuck? My self esteem has always been shit. I could never get a guy like that... (side note: he had never been in a relationship for more than three months. This three months detail is important.)

One of his friends started dating a friend of mine (friend of the girl 'my' guy had just started dating) so after a few months we had become really close (they started in oct 2014 if I'm not mistaken) and I turn to my friends boyfriend to ease a little of my pain... he's an amazing friend, knows 'my' guy better than anyone and is always very positive... he ends up telling me 'my' guy liked me as well, he had liked me for a really long time but he couldn't master the courage to do anything because we were friends and he had NEVER liked a friend. As you can imagine this didn't help my situation. I spent the next three months feeling like SHIT.... I stopped going out because he'd be there with her... three months. Three months without speaking to him like we used to... before, we'd spend HOURS speaking on Facebook (he lives 5 minutes away from me, btw), literally HOURS. About everything and anything. And I saw myself without that.

Then one night, three months later, in June, we saw each other again after three months of basically not speaking (I tried, he didn't reply). I thought was I was ok but when I saw him I started drinking.. a lot. We were both drunk and he says he misses me.... I didn't know at the time but he and the girl had broken up a couple days before. On the ride home he held my hand (I didn't know they had broken up when he did this), selfish me let him.

10 days later we started our relationship. It lasted 13 months.

Now other important detail. My personality.
I'm stubborn. I don't like to share with most but I shared things with him. I'm snappy but I wasn't snappy with him because I was scared of hurting his feelings. I'm not very imaginative but I tried to be because even I feel boring sometimes. I try my best to better myself everyday. I know what it's like to wake up and hate yourself to the point of having to take sleeping pills to NOT feel. He hates confrontation so I didn't speak my mind when something bothered me. I knew then and know now that it was wrong not to do so.

When I'd think about talking to him I would end up not doing it because things were fine when we were together. He stopped calling me the cute name he used to, but things were fine when we were together. He stopped holding my hand in public, but things were fine when we were together. He stopped texting me, but things were fine when we were together. He stopped asking me to go with him places, when I'd suggest somewhere to go he'd always say no because 'I don't feel like it' 'I don't have any money' 'I can't use the car' 'I don't have gas' 'It's too hot', but then he'd turn around and suggest somewhere for us to go and, because he'd always say no to me, I'd say yes because I wanted to spend time with him. Not because I'm a pushover.

So I never opened my mouth.

All his friends (the ones that we didn't have in common) knew me. This last year we went on roadtrips with friends a few times. Last one last April and everything was fine. Perfect in fact.
Another detail. This might be the most important detail, it is to me, because it changed me in ways I hope none of you reading this will ever have to go through. In March I found out my dad is cheating on my mom because he sent me a text that wasn't supposed to be for me. I didn't tell my mom, I didn't confront my dad. I did nothing because I would break my mom's heart and possibly break the family up.

My dad was my hero and in that moment my entire world collapsed. The relationship I had as an example, the man I adored the most, the woman whom has always loved this man unconditionally - all lies.

I told 'my' guy, in tears, a couple days later (we were actually on a roadtrip with friends then) after treating him not so well because I thought he deserved to know what was making me act that way. He hugged me for what felt like a day and I felt secure.
After that I felt like he was my rock - we somehow became closer. I didn't really have anyone else to look up to now. I never told him I didn't tell my mom or how I found out - I couldn't speak much that day and he never asked. After that I became a really not-as-happy person. I had my days, but some days -even today- I feel like I have the weight of MY world on my shoulders and nobody to help me. But I try to get better every day, not let it affect me and live my life happily and fully. But some days it's just impossible.

Last saturday the bomb came.
After 5 days of not speaking 'my' guy sent me a text (a fucking text.) saying he had thought about our relationship a lot and that the fact that he didn't want to spend his holiday with me and would rather go to his grandma's just proved he doesn't like me like I deserve, and that we were standing still and that he didn't see the relationship going anywhere and that we were just too different. That I was a pushover (he said it nicely) and I never fooled around like he likes to do and that, with all that, he couldn't give more of him and we were going nowhere. He said he knows he has his faults and that he's not easy to deal with and asked me what I thought.
I replied, 'defending' myself, saying I knew something wasn't right but that I wasn't a pushover, that I just felt frustrated when I suggested somewhere to go and the answer always being 'no', that it made me sad. That my dad's thing made me have more bad days than a person should and that impacted my personality. I told him I know he has his faults but I accept him as he is because nobody is perfect. And that was I willing to try. Better our relationship because we deserve that.

He answered: 'I'm telling you all this because a big part of me has already given up'.

I asked if I could speak to him on the phone and we did. He was so cold. No emotion whatsoever. I asked him why and he said 'because I wouldn't be able to do this if it weren't this way'. I heard him say we don't fit, that we're just too different.
I told him I don't agree.
We have the same tastes. Opinions, Hobbies, Values.
I said I was sorry, that it was my fault for not speaking up. I said I was sorry for not saying I love you. That was I willing to try. He kept saying 'this is how I feel', I kept asking 'but there is no chance?', between sobs, 'this is how I feel, we just don't fit, I don't see it going anywhere'.

I don't understand. I spent the last week crying over this and seems like I will continue doing so as I'm writing this with tears fighting their way down my face.
We have good moments from three weeks ago - even less.
The last time we were together (two weeks ago exactly) my day had been shit, I was tired, sleepy and grumpy - one of those days that makes you not want to get up - I wish I hadn't. He tried to play with me over and over (insistently) on the beach and I just wasn't in the mood... we went to his house after and... well, 'it' was like it always had been. We were fine. But I was sad that day. As I was walking away I thought 'this feels like the last time'. It was.

I want to talk to him personally. I don't think a one year relationship should be resumed to three texts and a 17 minute conversation over the phone. Texted him earlier and he hasn't replied - but has snapchatted, been on Facebook and on Instagram. He's partying like he always has - even when we were together, I never asked him to change -, posting chill pictures like nothing happened. Meanwhile I'm sat here writing this, crying over him and over the fact that he seems ok with everything. One picture in particular he even said he was 'happy'. I bawled my eyes out. Feels like he's hurting me on purpose now... I don't understand... I don't deserve this.

It hurts. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my heart, above all, hurts.
I want a second chance for us but I don't see him willing to do that. He said he still liked me, but I don't understand how someone that likes does something like this and goes on with their life as if nothing has happened. Doesn't even try... just gives up.
Thinking of him with someone else makes me sick.
Every piece of clothing I own I have memories with him.
Every piece of underwear I own he's touched.
Everything I do I've done with him before.

It's a horrible feeling to have knowing you did nothing but love someone and still that wasn't enough. To know there's so much potential and the person just gave up. But you still want it. You want it more than anything else because your heart knows it's right.

He broke me twice, and despite that, I want to be with him.

ETA: forum is giving me errors. Posted this twice.
'everyone forgets their own name because someone else’s name becomes nicer to fall from their lips than their own'

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Re: My ongoing breakup story

Post by pms_with_gps » Sun Aug 14, 2016 1:04 am

I think you should forget the time you spent together. Sometimes relationships just don't work out and it really doesn't matter how long has it been before you realized it. I mean, you're beating yourself up here and for no good reason to be honest. You said you didn't want to confront him or speak up, but why? If he is a real deal he will listen to you and talk it out with you. I mean, to me it seems like all of the things bothering you now came from back then when you didn't have the courage to say anything. To be honest here, if you've spent more time crying amd feeling down than being happy then you have your answer right here. Hell, I've been in a same place like you and I managed to accept something that went on for a really long time and ended abruptly in what, a few months? Life goes on and this is your lesson, to always be yourself and not to conform to anyone. There are two people in a relationship and you need to understand that. My advice to you is that you take the time to reevaluate it, if the scale weighs more on the good or the bad side, and if the latter is the case, just go ahead and end it before you get in way too deep. Just hate to see anyone doing this to themselves when they can really do better.

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Re: My ongoing breakup story

Post by starlalight » Sun Aug 14, 2016 6:25 pm

kathpt wrote: He broke me twice, and despite that, I want to be with him.

ETA: forum is giving me errors. Posted this twice.
First, I'm sorry your heart is broken right now. I think a lot of us have been there and while you may not believe that it can get better. It can and it will. Every day it will hurt a little less, but you have to try to pick yourself up every day and put your focus somewhere else. That is what he is doing, not because he is really "happy" but many guys know that in order to stop the pain, they have to put their focus somewhere else. Focus on doing things that make you happy and try to stop thinking about the pain and him.

Second, whether you are compatible or not or willing to work on the relationship or not, it doesn't matter, my dear. The reason is because he isn't willing to work with you. You can have a forever relationship with someone who hides their feelings until it is too late and then throws in the towel, when it gets too hard. This should also be a helpful thing for you to learn, you were not being true to yourself in this relationship, you didn't speak your mind and share your feelings and that can only lead to problems. Since he was doing the same thing, you both sabatoged this together. Don't wait to speak your thoughts or feelings about things until it's too late! Having open, healthy communication is one of the BIGGEST keys to a healthy relationship (friendships too!). You have to be brave and learn how to balance being honest with being kind with others or else this is a lesson you will be guaranteed to repeat in future relationships.

Third, the best thing you can do right now is work on healing your heart. Do things that make you happy, start a project of some kind to redirect your focus, anything new and different. Take a trip somewhere you've never been before. You have to let go of him for now, because that is what he wants and part of love also means respecting someone. Maybe you'll end up back together someday or maybe once you've healed from all of this, you will grow and find someone even better for you. Trust me, I've been through all of this and it doesn't do any good to wallow in your misery. Focus on being positive and focus on moving forward, no matter how hard it is right now. Do something every day to heal and make yourself feel better (creative project, trip with friends, concert, movie, favorite restaurant, etc.).

Maybe try these videos to start (there are a few good tips):
Getting Over Heartbreak Pt. 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5T4yMdUy4g

Part 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RAKdnRAVwM

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Re: My ongoing breakup story

Post by Bluebot » Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:37 am

H,i sorry for what you are going through. I am going to make this short because I don't want to give my ex anymore thought than I already have. I went back to mine a 2nd time and he was originally my husband. He walked away to go back to the girl from High School who broke his heart. She was his first girlfriend who left him for her drummer.

When I look back, even to our first time around, I see now I never had his heart. I was available and interested so he went for it. Unfortunately his heart belonged to someone else who didn't want him so he could never love me completely. At the time I always wondered why he didn't want to do this or that and couldn't understand. But in retrospect I see we were just not meant for each other. Sure, I really loved him. But now that I am separated from it I know it just wasn't meant to be. We are not supposed to have regrets but I do have them. I regret giving him so much of my life. I wish he would have broke up with me in the beginning so we would not have gotten married. I would've gotten the heartbreak over with. I feel now like I wasted all of my early 20's on him. The best years of my life gone . I can't even blame him because I was too naive to see it.

I know it's hard but it may be best to move on from this guy. I now have someone who really loves me and it is so much better. That guy is out there for you. Wait for him. It will be worth it.

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Re: My ongoing breakup story

Post by blondiexxx » Wed Aug 31, 2016 1:26 am

ehi there :)
just wanted to tell you that if you need somebody to talk with I'm here, just pm me.
secondly, pretty much EVERYONE has come across this kind of obnoxious pain after being put in a corner and left there like nothing happened. I won't tell you that he is just a jerk cause he broke up after a call, I won't use the categorical imperative "forget him and go on", I won't either suggest you to try hard again to get him back. None of this.

Your story together is really loveable. I know it is difficult to just being able to focus on your own daily life without him. I won't lie, after I broke up I started to inflict myself pain because I thought I deserved it. But really, embrace what are you feeling now and canalise this into something that you always wanted to do so bad and maybe never did or had time for. Accept what happened, analyse who he has become now, still like somebody who left you and post happy pics on fb? No, you definitely don't. You would hate him if he was your bf's ex. Of course you gave him your heart, your secrets and totally every atom of your essence... and it is normal he was the one you lain on but believe me, you'll find harder rocks.

One more thing: never apologise for who you are. if you were frustrated about the whole situation IT WAS OK. if you didn't want to play with him IT WAS OK. He love(d?) you and know you very well after 13 months spent together. You are beautiful, cause you are crying and having feelings - and first: you never would have managed the "break up" like he did! So pathetically.

I tried with my ex to call him every night, to be his bitch after every concert he played around the country, to please him in all the way he asked and at the end he moved to the other side of the world and he's now living in NY (he sent me an e-mail from there). I think that the worst it is to "stalk" the one you use to love cause at the end it will become an obsession. You're right to have the desire to talk with him, you deserve it.

Really I wish you the best, whether it means you'll be back together or you'll be on your own enjoying life. 'Cause that's what it's all about.


___ sorry for my english, i'm from italy. xo

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Re: My ongoing breakup story

Post by kathpt » Wed Sep 14, 2016 5:05 pm

Hey everybody. Thanks for all your lovely messages.

We ended up speaking in person and discussing everything openly. I said everything I wanted to say (except those things my scumbag brain only thinks of AFTER) and I behaved. Didn't cry, raised my voice a few times and the conversation went well. I said I didn't want any of us to leave mad at one another, and we didn't. Some of the things he said in the text didn't really hold up in the conversation. He ended up admitting that we aren't really that different, he accepted the fact that it was his fault that he didn't want to go out when I suggested places. He agreed that he got really boring after he started working and that the fact that his excuse was always not having money.
But that didn't bring me peace. He said he hasn't closed the door and that it could still work in the future, we just needed to work on ourselves. While I agree with the last part I don't think he meant any of it. It was a two hour conversation, we were at ease, comfortable. We even talked about the things we had been doing the last week...
He said he tries not to think of us, that he has everything locked away and tries to distract himself and have fun because he feels really empty. That when we spoke on the phone that night he wasn't expecting me crying and after we hung up he wasn't really able to deal with it so he started drinking like crazy. Mind you this was almost a month ago. He just seemed confused as I started to 'break' down what he had told me. I feel like he really did convince himself of everything and buried everything that was good while still in the relationship. Yes we talked, but I don't think he really listened.... I don't think he took what I said, went home and thought, which is what I wanted him to do.

We saw each other quite a few times after that in social situations, didn't talk much. Last time we saw each other I tried to talk, innocently, but I felt like he was holding back.

But I'm still not ok. Far from it. My anxiety is through the roof, the 'new' thing is to have nightmares even when I nap, always about the same thing.
I honestly think he has someone else. And I know it's 'normal' to think that after a breakup, but it's this girl that popped into my radar after she started leaving comments on his instagram, apparently they've known each other for years and this one friend of mine assured me they are just friends and that she has a bf because she's met her before - but I am very rarely wrong. A simple like on Facebook sets me off. And I don't want to sound obsessed, I am aware it sounds like I am. It's just that I still like him, I don't know what to do with the feeling. And I miss him. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking of him with someone else and wondering if it's his forever. I feel like everyone's pushing me away, too. This aids to my idea that he has or is interested in someone else. I said I didn't want to disappear because that is a way to give him space to not think about me and to get interested in someone new, nobody seems to agree... or care.

I don't want this feeling anymore. Do you have any idea how useless, stupid, dumb and hopeless I feel for loving someone that just doesn't want to be with me?
I keep thinking back to everything we went through, and I know I shouldn't but I can't stop myself. I miss him everyday, I want to talk to him, even as friends but I don't think I should, or that he cares. I want to ask if he's with someone but I am scared of the answer, I just know one day I'm going to see a picture and everything's going to come crashing down on me again.
'everyone forgets their own name because someone else’s name becomes nicer to fall from their lips than their own'

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Re: My ongoing breakup story

Post by Demonita » Thu Sep 15, 2016 11:16 am

You need to start focusing on yourself my friend. You take too much time to think about him. I mean stand your ground and never surrender to any man or situation. Now you may still think that he is the world to you but it ain't like that. Idk my personal view of life is: Never rely on someone else, always rely on yourself only.

He gives me a vibe that he is immature. He only dated girls for 3 months before you and it seems its like when he has enough he will just move on to the next person and the next... He doesn't strike me as a serious relationship man, just more of a joker/player.

If he would be worth it, he would not act like that, I mean parties and being "chill". That is some bullshit. He would do an effort to talk to you about certain things. I mean I know everyone is different, the way they react may not make any sense to us but only to them. However I can't shake it off, he ain't what you think he is...

If i were you i would delete him from my mind. Believe me you have the power to do that too. Sometimes it takes time to "see" the true colors of someone and when you do it strikes you and you are done with it, over.

For now just really get off social media which is the most important step to do if you are going throu a hard time. Concentrate on yourself and do what you like, be busy. <3
In Sorte Diaboli

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Re: My ongoing breakup story

Post by kathpt » Mon Feb 20, 2017 1:06 pm

So it's been a while... I've been trying to work through this... some days I'm better, others I'm worse. And I've just discovered he's dating an ex friend of mine (whom I stopped talking to because I didn't like their relationship). I feel humiliated, gross, and very disgusted and can't stop picturing the two of them together... afterall I know how one side behaves.
They've been doing things I've always wanted to do with him and we never did because we didn't have the money.
I feel so so sad and humiliated.... not sure what to do.
'everyone forgets their own name because someone else’s name becomes nicer to fall from their lips than their own'

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Re: My ongoing breakup story

Post by joanne » Sun Feb 18, 2018 2:39 pm

hi. your story brought tears to my eyes because it reminds me so much of some of the worst times of my life. i noticed it's been a year since your last post in this thread and i hope you are feeling much better

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