Breakup advice?

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daisyisabella1
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Breakup advice?

Post by daisyisabella1 » Sat Oct 06, 2012 1:48 pm

Honestly, this is the last place I ever thought I would be posting about stuff like this but I am just so at a loss I don't know what to do.. this might be long so bear with me.

I was with a guy for 2 years in high school, and before we left for college we broke up but agreed that we would still talk often and when we were home for breaks we would hang out with intentions of getting back together because we really thought we were meant to be. We were allowed to talk to other people but try not to get into anything too serious... stupid plan but we were desperate to hold on to each other so it made sense to us at the time. When I got to college, a friend of mine who was a sophomore began hanging out with me a lot. He was one of the only people I knew here so we were really close. We were together everyday and he liked me, everyone could tell. I kinda liked him but I was still talking to my high school boyfriend and we had that whole agreement so I obviously didn't want a relationship with this kid. When my high school boyfriend didn't really keep up his end of the promise we made, I was very upset and I took comfort with X (the sophomore in college). We started hooking up but not bf/gf, but high school bf and I were still talking because it was hard to let it go. Over the month off we had for the semester break, I didn't really see X and I hung out with my high school bf a lot and when X found out about all of this he wanted nothing to do with me. We stopped talking for a few weeks but then I realized that I didn't want to be without him, so we decided to make up. I stopped talking to my high school boyfriend and I began dating X exclusively.
This is going to sound really bad, but X was basically in love with me and I liked the attention. He basically did anything for me and there were times where I gave him attitude and was rude to him for stupid things. When we came back to school this semester, we got into a dumb argument, broke up for the 10000th time but I didn't think the breakup would last because it happened so often. I found out a week later that he was having sex with my best friend's roommate 2 days after our breakup. Ever since then, I have been at a loss... I know I did SO much to him that was wrong and I really am sorry about it and he doesn't have to forgive me, but he really didn't have to go do that with another girl either...
I want him back more than anything because this whole experience is a life changer and I want to show him that I want to be a good girlfriend. He is taking this as an opportunity to jerk me around though, by telling me he loves me but he's not ready and that we should just be friends until he's ready. When he goes out at night he gets drunk and will text me saying I turned him into a sour person and I'm a dirty slut and then apologize the next day and try to be nice. I know he wants to be together but he's scared I won't be able to change the way I treated him in the past. I don't know how to get over this because I feel like it's my fault and I just want a chance to show him that I am sorry for everything that happened before but I want to fix it. I feel disgusting and desperate and I hate that feeling. I want to be happy and be myself again but I don't know if I have the strength to walk away from this.
I really appreciate everyone who reads this and if you have something to say I would love to hear it. Since I was inseparable from him since day 1 of my freshman year most of the friends I made are his friends and they obviously aren't going to still hang out with me and talk to me about this because they are his friends first. It sucks and I really don't even want to be here anymore, I just want to go home but at the same time I don't want to quit.

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Re: Breakup advice?

Post by BellaJane » Sat Oct 06, 2012 3:56 pm

First of all, don't leave school. Trust me. I left school for similar reasons during my first semester in college and it was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

Second, I know you're not going to want to hear this...but you need to let it go. At least for now. You've hurt him and he's hurt you, so you both need to take a break from each other until you grow a little bit. Use this opportunity to have your own life and your own experiences in college. It sounds like you really haven't ever just had your own life...you went from high school boyfriend to college boyfriend...but where is your life in all of this? Where are your friends? Take a new class, join a club or activity, meet people outside of the little circle that you've been stuck in since Day 1. And do it without this guy. Because right now is not the time for you to be groveling at someones feet because you don't want to be alone. I think at the core you may not even miss this guy, you may just miss the attention and having everything in the palm of your hand, you know? You said it yourself...from day 1 you were with this guy. His friends are your friends and you're at a loss...and I think that's just because you need to get out of the bubble that you put yourself in from the start. So first things first, I think you should work on having your own life, separate and exclusive from this guy. Second, since you've already apologized to him for what you've done...just let it go. Letting him string you along the way he is and say mean things to you about the way you acted in the past isn't accomplishing anything, it's just giving him the upper hand because he knows that you're going to take whatever he dishes out. You need to grow into yourself apart from him, but he also needs to grow up and move on from the situation, as well. He's obviously hurt by the way you treated him, but there's truly nothing you can do about it now. You've already made your apology clear and now he's just taking advantage of the fact that you feel guilty and are willing to do anything to make it up to him. And that's not very nice of him, either. So for as bad as you may have treated him, he's treating you just as bad now and it's not getting you guys anywhere.

Right now the best thing for both of you is to just be away from each other. Give it a few weeks or a few months, enough time for you both to heal, then maybe you can see if there's a way to salvage whatever was there in the first place, you know? In the meantime...focus on yourself girl! You said you want to be happy again...realize that your happiness is going to come from yourself, not from anybody else. So if you want to be happy, go out and get happy. Make new friends, go dancing, go to a game or join a music club...just do something that you'll enjoy! ;)

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Re: Breakup advice?

Post by WhatTheFudge » Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:19 pm

I've kind of been in your situation, OP. I dated a guy for several years and although we did have our separate friends, we had a group of friends that we kind of made when we started dating, but when we broke up things got really awkward between us all and I felt as if I had lost my closest friends. I've also been in that same stage where I had broken up with him just like the thousandth time and was hoping we'd be getting back together but for some reason it didn't happen this time. Too soon he was seeing someone else and it broke me. I did all the wrong things, cried and begged him and such...apologized a million times...told him I'd never do it again...blah blah blah. It didn't change anything..if anything it made him not want me more. Eventually he stopped loving me altogether. If I could go back and tell myself anything, it'd be to hold on to my dignity. Give him the space...there's essentially two results..he'll either come back because he loves you, or he'll move on and you should try too at that point. I completely understand that it's not as easy as it sounds...hell I'm still struggling with it...but it's just something we gotta do. Stay strong! <3

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Re: Breakup advice?

Post by crazycandy » Mon Oct 08, 2012 12:40 pm

the relationship is already destructive as it is. you have to move on. you should not put yourself in the vulnerable position (even though u was wrong in the beginning but you realise that now). with you lowering yourself that just open doors for him to treat you like a rag doll. even if you prove to him, one mistake and he can bring up your past. you have to live a life tip-toeing around him and this is not a life u want to live.

you do have the strength, at the beginning its going to be difficult, but it get easier. there are other guys out there, opportunity in the future, he's not the only one. its your choice if you want to be with him or not, but him texting u mean stuff cause he's drunk doesn't help you two to move forward. you said u broken up the 10000th time, its a big number for a reason (its just not working out).

i been there, on/off break-up for 5 years. we argue regularly, we tried to patch it up, i was trying to make him happy but he does not do the same for me. i was there for him when he needed me but he wasn't there for me. too selfish, too busy making other friends and female friends. i was a vulnerable person. and he said to me that no one will love or accept me more then he does. but i woke up and realise he wasn't all that great. he's lazy, failed his studies, cant look after himself more then anything he drags me down. we often want to save the relationship because the the years spent but if it doesn't work out just think of the years wasted where we could have been with somebody else.

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Re: Breakup advice?

Post by daisyisabella1 » Mon Oct 08, 2012 3:09 pm

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your answers. I am trying to stay strong and I realize this is going to end in one of two ways- we're either going to be together or not and if it's not working out then it's just not working out. :?

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Re: Breakup advice?

Post by urmotherwasahamster » Sat Dec 15, 2012 2:13 am

Honestly, it sounds like he's a completely different person when he's drunk, and he could turn out to be abusive (verbally, physically, mentally, etc). Why would you want to be with someone like that?

I think right now you need to take a step back and evaluate yourself. Are you happy, independent? Can you find happiness outside of this relationship, or any relationship? If the answer is no, then you really need to take a break from dating. Often times we rely on other people for happiness, and then when the relationship ends, you find yourself in this hole that's almost impossible to come out of.

It'll take time, but you will move on. Don't beg him, don't cry to him, don't even call/text him (unless absolutely necessary). If there is any hope for the relationship at this point, that will only drive him further away, and ultimately you will regret it months later. It's probably one of the most embarrassing things you can do. For now, just give him space, give yourself space, and breathe. Things will work out - whether you like the results or not, they will work out. And if you aren't with him anymore, you will find someone else who you will never treat that way again.

This all is a learning experience, and I hope it turns out okay for you. If you ever need to talk, you can shoot me a private message. :mmhmm:

Good luck, hon! <3
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