How to get out of a wedding?

[wanderlust]

I posted this on the "advice" thread but it didn't get any responses. I'm just posting here because I'm really in need of quick advice since I need to make the decision to order my dress or not.

I graduated with this girl who I had taken 3 classes with and always came to hang out at my house during our last semester before graduation. I wasn't actually close to her, but I appreciated having someone to hang out with. She asked me if I wanted to be in her wedding a few months ago and I agreed. I was all caught up in the excitement at the time and 1)wasn't thinking about the cost, 2)didn't realize she was going to move & live an hour away soon after. So, not only am I finding out that I need to pay for the bridesmaid dress (thankfully only $130 with the discount) but the gas to get to rehearsals, bachelorette parties, matching shoes, and getting my hair done. I now know that it's traditional for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses and I'm fine with that. It's just turning out to be a whole lot of money to invest in someone that I'm not even close friends with. What's more, I'm really not a people person and I have a little anxiety about the event and all of the sub-events it will involve.

Here's the thing...how the heck do I say that I don't want to spend that much money for something that I'm not too crazy about doing? I can think of a lot of different ways I'd rather spend that money even though I think it would be a fun experience being in a wedding. Even if I somehow figure out a way to get out of it, I'm guessing she's going to offer to pay for things, which would be both awkward and embarrassing because the fact is, I can scrounge up the money, but I'd rather do other things. The money that I would be spending would be money we have saved to do other things like go to amusement parks in the summer, etc. I really don't want for her to pay for me to go either. It is just a really awkward situation and I wish I would have thought through my response before I told her I would do this.

It makes me feel like such a bad person! I guess that one reason that I don't want to just tell her I can't do it after all is that she's one of the only people in all of my college years that I ended up hanging out with outside of school and I'm hesitant to throw that away with this awkwardly backing out. With her an hour away though, how much am I really throwing away? I need to make the decision though because she'll need to pick another bridesmaid if I'm not going to do it.

Any suggestions?

[Suspiria]

"I'm sorry, but I can't come to your wedding. It's just too costly for me right now and I was unaware of the amount of expenses that would add up, because I've never attended a wedding before. And I can't have you or anyone else pay for me because it would just be feel personally wrong to me. I'm really, really sorry."

That's all I can really manage because there aren't many other ways to "get out of" it aside from a straightforward explanation to her. Or I guess lying. But I know if I was having a wedding and one of my bridesmaids just flat out didn't want to be there and also didn't even like me that much I'd be revulsed with her attendance, especially if I had the opportunity to invite someone else into the spot.

Although it doesn't seem like money is really a truly crucial issue, so I actually think you should go. I mean you said you don't want to spend it because you'd rather spend it at an amusement park? I assumed it was for something that actually mattered, not nonsense. If you're more so put off by the interaction, and being social, I again think you should go even more. I mean it's a planned event, you're not the spotlight at all, and there's tons of things to do and talk about. Unless you majorly mess up on the dress (assuming you're all matching), as a bridesmaid no one will actually care about you or what you look like at all. And unless you're on the extreme of ugly, you're not the one who they're looking at. As for the smaller events, if you don't want to go to every single one I think that would be understandable.

From what you said though, you're really not her friend because you basically just used her as a comfort object to take up your time so you weren't bored and alone after school. And I say you and not both of you because if she invited you to be her bridesmaid, at her own wedding, she probably at least somewhat considers you a close friend? Unless she doesn't have that many friends, and that's why she asked you. It's interesting you hypothetically describe it as awkward of having her to pay for you instead of "wrong" or "selfish" because you actually can pay for yourself, you just don't want to expend the energy into the majority of what it entails.

[TaylorKnows]

I think you should say what the first responder did. I disagree that you should go though. You're not a bad person but it speaks volumes that you'd rather spend the money on an amusement parks. It means you're not close and you shouldn't be in the wedding. I'm not trying to be mean, I think you're right. It is a lot to spend. And I'm one to believe that bridal parties should be made up of close friends and family. Just explain its too much for you and that you won't have her pay (if she offers) because it'd be too awkward.

[wanderlust]

Thanks to both of you for your advice. I used the example of an amusement park because we have a lot of bills (including loan payments) at the moment and we have a small fund set aside for fun things we want to do throughout the year. One of those things happens to be going to an amusement park in the summer. To me, it's not nonsense because that's our money that's set aside for my husband and I to do somewhat fun things that cost money.

I do agree with you TaylorKnows that it speaks volumes that I'd rather do certain other things. We're definitely not close. I feel that I can never be close to her because every time I'm with her, she feels the need to lie about tiny, unimportant things. I can't become close to someone who lies and is rarely interested in not talking about herself. Many times last semester, I felt used by her because she'd come over seeking my husband's help with programming homework. Additionally, the one time I've ever gone to visit her at her new house (this past weekend), she sought out programming help for her boyfriend who I don't even talk to. My husband was happy to help but it left me wondering if that was what she meant when she texted that she hoped my husband would be able to come in as well. I don't have a car at the moment, so my husband does drive me most places. That means that he would be the one doing all that extra driving back and forth.

I'm leaning more and more against not going. She is a nice girl and I'll feel bad, but I'll also feel bad if I don't, so I'll probably tell her I can't do it. The whole thing just feels so awkward.

[nothinggold]

"I'm sorry, but I can't come to your wedding. It's just too costly for me right now and I was unaware of the amount of expenses that would add up, because I've never attended a wedding before. And I can't have you or anyone else pay for me because it would just be feel personally wrong to me. I'm really, really sorry."

That's all I can really manage because there aren't many other ways to "get out of" it aside from a straightforward explanation to her. Or I guess lying. But I know if I was having a wedding and one of my bridesmaids just flat out didn't want to be there and also didn't even like me that much I'd be revulsed with her attendance, especially if I had the opportunity to invite someone else into the spot.

Although it doesn't seem like money is really a truly crucial issue, so I actually think you should go. I mean you said you don't want to spend it because you'd rather spend it at an amusement park? I assumed it was for something that actually mattered, not nonsense. If you're more so put off by the interaction, and being social, I again think you should go even more. I mean it's a planned event, you're not the spotlight at all, and there's tons of things to do and talk about. Unless you majorly mess up on the dress (assuming you're all matching), as a bridesmaid no one will actually care about you or what you look like at all. And unless you're on the extreme of ugly, you're not the one who they're looking at. As for the smaller events, if you don't want to go to every single one I think that would be understandable.

From what you said though, you're really not her friend because you basically just used her as a comfort object to take up your time so you weren't bored and alone after school. And I say you and not both of you because if she invited you to be her bridesmaid, at her own wedding, she probably at least somewhat considers you a close friend? Unless she doesn't have that many friends, and that's why she asked you. It's interesting you hypothetically describe it as awkward of having her to pay for you instead of "wrong" or "selfish" because you actually can pay for yourself, you just don't want to expend the energy into the majority of what it entails.

This. The expenses you'd be incurring are givens when being in the bridal party. Sometimes you'll get lucky and the bride will have hair and makeup done for everybody but other then that, those are standard costs.
Respectfully tell her it was more then you bargained for as soon as possible so she can replace you. Don't put it off until a month before the wedding where the girl who replaces you can't even get her dress shipped in on time.
Next time think about something like this before accepting the invitation. Buying an expensive dress and shoes you'll never wear again, paying to have your hair and nails done, attending a bunch of parties, and somewhat putting yourself out are all common happenings with weddings. You really cannot act surprised when these things all pop up at you, this is all standard stuff. A wedding is a major life event for somebody and it can be overwhelming already and when you have somebody "drop out", it just makes it harder.

[TaylorKnows]

I do agree do it sooner rather than later. You've never been in a wedding before so I don't blame you for not realizing how expensive it might be. But I'd tell her within the week. Someone needs to get a dress if she's going to have someone replace you or they're gonna have to deck a groomsmen.

[wanderlust]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my posts over and give thoughtful advice. I facebook messaged her since she's at work. Everything that I said in it is true and a real concern. Of course, I'm not going to mention our rainy day fund for activities with my husband because it isn't necessary. It's understandable that we'd want to save that money for something we'd both want to do together. If there is a next time, I will definitely think things through before getting caught up in the excitement. I still feel really bad but at least I got it over with and she should be able to find someone else pretty easily. :/ Facebook put that little checkmark beside my message, letting me know that she read it, so I'll see if I hear back.

Hey -------,
This has been a really, really tough decision to make but I don't think it's the best idea for me to be a bridesmaid. Our finances are kinda tight right now due to bills & loan payments and I can think of a lot of expenses that are going to add up during this whole process...the dress, dress alterations (bc I'm short lol), shoes, gas to get back and forth, if we go out to eat anywhere, probably hair, etc. I don't want you paying for it either, though. I really want to still be invited and I hate having to make this decision, but truthfully it's the most responsible decision for me to make right now. I was really conflicted about this for a few days, but this is what I ended up deciding.Thanks so so much for inviting me to be a part of your big day. I hope I can still be invited. Also, I wanted to figure it out as soon as possible so that you can find someone else to replace me. They said that if the dress was ordered now, it would come in March, so there's definitely still time to order it for someone else. Again, I'm really, really sorry and I hate backing out of a commitment I've made, but it's the best decision in this case.
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