What are your opinions on 20 year olds getting engaged?

[alymmm_]

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 7 years and have been dating for over 3 of those years, we turned 20 this year and over the past year have been discussing marriage and our futures and what each of us want. My boyfriend has been saving up over the past month or so for an engagement ring and is planning on buying it next week and proposing during our vacation to visit my grandmother in a month. Other peoples opinions aren't going to change our decision to do this, but from talking to other people they have had a lot of criticism and have said we're too young and that long engagements are pointless - to us we disagree, we plan on having a 3-4 year long engagement so that we can spend the first year not stressing about a wedding, I have an anxiety disorder so to save myself the continuous panic attacks that will happen we're going to plan over 2-3 years to be able to save money over more time and to not stress ourselves out.

I'm curious as to what other people think of 20 year olds getting engaged? and then waiting 3-4 years to get married?

[alienrasta]

I say do what you want. If you feel like you're ready and that's a plan you're 110% on, do it. I'm sorry about your anxiety, but congratulations on your (future) engagement! I wish you guys the best!

[Guest]

If you two are carefully planning and not just getting married out of nowhere, I don't see why not! That's what I call smart thinking.

[maisie-daisy]

I was married at 18, my husband was 20. No one thought it would last. In July we celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary.
If it's what you both want, go for it and I wish you all the luck in the world xx

[Pastel]

You've known each other for so long, and you've been dating for 3 years. So what if you're young, I know older people who have made more rash decisions, and I don't think long engagements are bad at all. There's no rush, and why should you not enjoy just being engaged for a while?

It sounds like you're being smart about it, so all the best to you guys

[alymmm_]

Thanks guys! it's nice to see some positivity out of this! I forgot all about this part of GG and went to Reddit with it first and basically got bitched at the entire time being told i'm too young, my brain hasn't fully developed yet and shoving statistics down my throat. The way I look at it is which couple is more ready to get married; two 27 year olds that have been together for 6 months and known each other just as long, or 2 19/20 year olds who have been together over 3 years and known each other 7? My moneys on the 19/20 year olds. I don't understand what age has to do with it (as long as you're both legal). anyways. thanks for all the positivity guys

[Pastel]

I have a 25-year-old friend who just got engaged after dating her boyfriend for two months. They've known each other for around four months. That seems rushed to me, even if they're not getting married right away. Compared to that, I'd say your situation seems more solid

[Sprinklesoffuckyou]

Congratulations! Nothing wrong if thats what you want, and you both seem to have thought this through, best of luck.

[Oscarwilde]

I'm 21 and engaged. I think the best thing you can do is have a plan. A lot of people get engaged and then forget that weddings are expensive and on top of that you have to figure out what kind of life you want to have. You can't live off love. It's a good thing that you are thinking about all of those things. But you are an adult now and you are gonna do what you want to do no matter what anyone tells you.

[restingbitchface]

It's hard for me to advise on stuff like this because the idea of marriage, especially at a young age, sounds like hell to me. But based on my friends who got married young and quickly divorced I would suggest that you are 100% both financially independent, and have a clear plan for your future. And those plans need to be compatible -- for example, if you plan on marrying young but still want to finish school and also start a family, that isn't a realistic goal. Or if your husband to be has a higher paying job that you, will you be willing to potentially give up your job and move across country should he get a better job offer? Whose career is going to take second place?

Stuff like that is a problem for a lot of couples regardless of age but I've seen a lot of young girls have dreams of finishing school only to get pregnant and slowly become bitter at their situation.

Overall my biggest tip is to get pre-marriage counseling.


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[BornThisWay94]

I'm personally against it. I think your late teens to early 20s you're still in your kid phase, a bit immature, and there's so much of life that you haven't experienced yet, why would you want to get tied down so young? I'm 20, almost 21, and I can't see myself settling down for a longggg time, I wanna enjoy my youth.

My best friend is 19 and just got MARRIED to a guy she's been with less than a year, and engaged too less than 3 months I personally think that was a huge mistake, but since you two have been together a long time, I don't see why not.

[alymmm_]

It's hard for me to advise on stuff like this because the idea of marriage, especially at a young age, sounds like hell to me. But based on my friends who got married young and quickly divorced I would suggest that you are 100% both financially independent, and have a clear plan for your future. And those plans need to be compatible -- for example, if you plan on marrying young but still want to finish school and also start a family, that isn't a realistic goal. Or if your husband to be has a higher paying job that you, will you be willing to potentially give up your job and move across country should he get a better job offer? Whose career is going to take second place?

Stuff like that is a problem for a lot of couples regardless of age but I've seen a lot of young girls have dreams of finishing school only to get pregnant and slowly become bitter at their situation.

Overall my biggest tip is to get pre-marriage counseling.


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My boyfriend and I have both spent hours upon hours discussing our future plans, from how we intend on splitting bills between the two of us while still saving for a wedding and paying off student debt. My boyfriend is in school for Sports Management while I went to school for Early Childhood Education, he will easily be the bread winner if he gets any job in his field. Being someone who works in daycares, I absolutely refuse to put my children in day care if we have the means for me to stay home with our children until they begin school, that is something we 100% intend on doing and have had numerous conversations about. My boyfriend begins an internship in January that will likely move us across the country, My job is one that can be found all over the world, everyone in my field gets paid relatively close to the same amount- so moving across country is no big deal to me if we can afford it. I know these weren't necessary to share but I just felt like answering the examples, haha. All in all, we have had probably too many conversations about our future and what those plans are and what we both want, and they are all compatible. (Besides the fact that he wants to do his internship in Alaska, but I'm not to keen on the idea due to the whole sun-set at 11 in the summer, and 5 hours of sunlight in the winter thing- absolutely nothing against anyone who lives in Alaska, I hear it's beautiful and would love to go. It would just be a hard adjustment haha).

Also, I will admit that one of the thing we talked about in regards to marriage and having children is that we want to have them as soon as we can, due to mental health and other health issues that I have, I am aware that to reduce the risk of passing these on it is better to have children before the age of 30-35.

and thanks for the pre-marriage counselling advice! We will look into that!

[alymmm_]

I'm personally against it. I think your late teens to early 20s you're still in your kid phase, a bit immature, and there's so much of life that you haven't experienced yet, why would you want to get tied down so young? I'm 20, almost 21, and I can't see myself settling down for a longggg time, I wanna enjoy my youth.

My best friend is 19 and just got MARRIED to a guy she's been with less than a year, and engaged too less than 3 months I personally think that was a huge mistake, but since you two have been together a long time, I don't see why not.

I believe that regardless of age, maturity and your phase in life truly depends on how you grew up and how your life has been. Personally, my childhood wasn't easy, but it wasn't the worst it could have been. I had a roof over my head, my parents kept the lights on most of the time, but there were a lot of issues like alcohol, abuse, drugs, etc., that caused me to shape up and mature a lot quicker than some. One of the main things that I believe made me mature the most was having to help with bills at 14 years old.

I've been tied down to my boyfriend since just after we turned 16 years old and wouldn't have had it any other way, but that isn't for everyone. To your comment about "I want to enjoy my youth", I think that is something that you can do while being in a relationship too! Just because you're "tied down" doesn't mean you can't go out and have fun. A lot of people say "Your 20's are for experimenting, theres so many guys out there! You should see what else is out there" Personally I don't understand that statement at all... You expect me to leave a wonderful man, to go try to find a different man just like him? I'd rather just stay with the one I've got and enjoy my youth and all these crazy experiences with him by my side.

and WOAH, This has nothing to do with her age, but more so the length of the relationship but I just don't get that. I wouldn't do that, personally. But then again, a lot of people aren't gonna understand why I'm getting married so young- so who am I to judge, really? Also thank yaaaaaa.

*Sorry for ranting, not sure were all that backstory needed to come from..

[Elouise]

I got married briefly when I was 18 because my long term boyfriend -- we had been together for YEARS -- went into the Army (they give you more money if you're married because you have a dependent. They also allow your wife to live on base with you, but your girlfriend can't -- and we didn't want to be apart). Luckily our divorce wasn't dramatic. It was quite a mutual decision and many years later we are still close, good friends. However, at 18 we just weren't ready for that kind of commitment, no matter how in love we were. I think marrying young is extremely risky business. I know a girl who is 21, was engaged, and her fiance was caught cheating on her because, y'know, he's a guy in his early twenties! He couldn't help himself! Not saying that all relationships between young people end up like that, and definitely not saying all young guys are like that, but I do think that it's difficult to tell where the relationship will end up when y'all are 20-years-old. You're still growing up, believe it or not.

Since my short lived marriage, I've been through a couple more long term relationships, including four years with an emotional and physical abuser. Extremely tough shit to go through, but I'm glad I did because I'm a stronger person now. I am so much more grown up now than when I was married at 18. I have so much more experience with being single, too, and figuring out how to be comfortable with myself and being alone. Now, years later, I'm in an extremely happy and comfortable relationship. I feel more ready to get engaged now because I've experienced a lot more and understand what I want out of life and out of a partner.

So, I'm not going to judge anyone for their choices, but as someone who has been through this... I can say that from experience, I recommend waiting a few years to get married! If he proposes and you're madly in love, then by all means say yes! Just be as wise as the OP and have an extra long engagement.