Little lies chipping away at trust

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maccalacca
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Little lies chipping away at trust

Post by maccalacca » Mon Feb 22, 2016 1:14 am

I apologise if this is long, but I really need to get this off my chest and get some advice too.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, other than the issue I'm about to talk about, we have a great relationship and no other problems, but this is getting too big for me to deal with. He tells lies about the silliest things and it is really chipping away at my trust in him. I 100% don't believe that he would ever cheat on me, nor do I actually care what he's lying about, it's the fact that he is choosing to lie to me and deceive me.

The first occasion, I knew he was lying straight away and gave him the opportunity to tell me the truth, rather than me have to tell him what he lied about and show him the evidence. He opted to continue the lie until I proved how I knew he was lying. He apologised and seemed to be really sorry that he had lied. His reason was that he didn't want to unnecessarily hurt me when I was already hurting due to other things going on in my life. I explained that what he had lied about wouldn't have hurt me at all, but the fact that he lied about it and tried to hide it hurt way more than anything else he had ever done. We talked about it and he promised he'd never lie to me again, swearing that he didn't ever want to hurt me.

Fast forward to now, I caught him lying to me again this weekend (with the support of his family, who I cared for as if they were my own family, until now). He seemed to get pretty defensive and said that if I don't trust him then that's my problem, but how can I trust him wholeheartedly when I've caught him lying to me like this? Especially after making it so clear that it is the act of lying that hurts me, not the subject of the lie?

This sucks because I know if any of my friends came to me with this problem, I'd tell them it wasn't worth it and to find someone who respected them and wouldn't lie to them, but it's different when it's your amazing 7 year relationship at risk. I'm scared of making a mistake and ending things over silly lies, but I'm also scared of sticking around and finding out years down the line that my diminishing trust was validated by some other bigger lie.
I'm scared of how I'd cope with a break up. It's even got to the point where I'd rather end my life than have to end the relationship, which just sounds ridiculous but I can't be lied to anymore. Should I lay the cards on the table and give him another chance? Or should I walk away and not let him hurt me like this again? My head is telling me to leave but my heart wants nothing more than to run straight into his arms for comfort.

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onigiri815
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Re: Little lies chipping away at trust

Post by onigiri815 » Mon Feb 22, 2016 2:13 am

I 100% always say that you should always take any advice given to you with a tablespoon of salt - no one knows exactly your dynamic. They don't know him or you, your faults and your strengths.

My man tells a couple of lies here or there on occasion. I laugh, tell him to stop and force it out of him. The important thing is he doesnt lie about what is important.
When his ex gf invited him for coffee, when an ex fling wanted to meet up with both of us etc.


At the end of the day I think you do need to tell him how it makes you feel but also know that if he is being honest about what matters, well, thats what matters
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Re: Little lies chipping away at trust

Post by omgwtfbbq » Mon Feb 22, 2016 4:12 am

May I ask what the lies were? If you don't want to give specifics the gist/topic might be helpful.

I know how you feel. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and the idea of us not being together does seem really frightening. Idk how old you are, but I'm 22 so i've been with him for the entirety of my adult life, and that does seem like a big deal - I don't have any experience of what adult me would be like without him. You might feel now like you'd rather end your life, but just remember that even if you did break up, you are much much more capable of adapting and carrying on than you think. Your life without him might be completely different, but that doesn't mean it has to be bad forever.

Have you tried telling him you need to talk, sitting him down, somewhere you won't be bothered by others, and have a serious discussion just about this? Laying your cards on the table, explaining that you're not attacking him and you love him a lot but his behaviour is really hurting you and he's promised he won't do it again, but he has. Tell him that it's gotten to the point where if it carries on you feel like you might have to end the relationship, as much as you don't want to, and that you really need things to change.
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Re: Little lies chipping away at trust

Post by b00mb00m » Mon Feb 22, 2016 4:50 am

7 years is a long time, lay the cards on the table, be honest, confront him etc. you sound like you care too much to let it all go

otherwise you'll be in an endless spiral of 'what ifs'. wish you all the best <3

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Re: Little lies chipping away at trust

Post by maccalacca » Mon Feb 22, 2016 5:21 am

omgwtfbbq wrote:May I ask what the lies were? If you don't want to give specifics the gist/topic might be helpful.

I know how you feel. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and the idea of us not being together does seem really frightening. Idk how old you are, but I'm 22 so i've been with him for the entirety of my adult life, and that does seem like a big deal - I don't have any experience of what adult me would be like without him. You might feel now like you'd rather end your life, but just remember that even if you did break up, you are much much more capable of adapting and carrying on than you think. Your life without him might be completely different, but that doesn't mean it has to be bad forever.

Have you tried telling him you need to talk, sitting him down, somewhere you won't be bothered by others, and have a serious discussion just about this? Laying your cards on the table, explaining that you're not attacking him and you love him a lot but his behaviour is really hurting you and he's promised he won't do it again, but he has. Tell him that it's gotten to the point where if it carries on you feel like you might have to end the relationship, as much as you don't want to, and that you really need things to change.
I can pm you the lies if you want? I don't want to post them publicly as it's not fair to air details of our dirty laundry for the entire world to see.

That's so strange though, we're so similar. I just turned 23 so we've been together our whole adult lives too. I've told him we need to chat about it so I'm going over tonight to talk about it and we'll see where we're at after that. I'm scared, but at the same time, I'm also a bit relieved because I just want the pain to stop.

Thank you <3.
b00mb00m wrote:7 years is a long time, lay the cards on the table, be honest, confront him etc. you sound like you care too much to let it all go

otherwise you'll be in an endless spiral of 'what ifs'. wish you all the best <3
I definitely care too much to let it go, I'm not someone who ends a relationship unless there are issues that simply can't be resolved, especially with someone like him. I guess we'll see what happens when we see each other tonight, I'm so nervous. Thank you for your kind words :).
onigiri815 wrote:I 100% always say that you should always take any advice given to you with a tablespoon of salt - no one knows exactly your dynamic. They don't know him or you, your faults and your strengths.

My man tells a couple of lies here or there on occasion. I laugh, tell him to stop and force it out of him. The important thing is he doesnt lie about what is important.
When his ex gf invited him for coffee, when an ex fling wanted to meet up with both of us etc.


At the end of the day I think you do need to tell him how it makes you feel but also know that if he is being honest about what matters, well, thats what matters
That's really great advice, thank you! In the context of our entire relationship, the lies really aren't about things that matter, they're just stupid things that he thought would be better to avoid mentioning rather than having to explain. Little did he know, I know as soon as he's lying and then he has to explain it anyway, and then explain why he lied about it. When you put it like that, I guess it maybe is a bit silly. Although I still want the lies to stop, regardless of what they're about, so I'm hoping things go well when I see him tonight.

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