My bf is awesome, but really boring. What do?? (LONG)

[illuminate]

So...I need kind of specific advice. I was trying to think where to post such a question and I realized GG was the right place. I've been on this site for years and I really trust the kinds of girls on here. You're critical thinkers. Sometimes too critical (ha), but I value your opinions.

Here's my deal. I'm 22 and I moved here to LA at 20, as a virgin who had never been kissed. I met my boyfriend almost immediately. He is 36 (13 years older), and is latino (I am white). We've been together over two years, and lived together since three months in. (I was in financial straights, he offered me a place.)

We are really compatible in some ways, and very different in others. Before you ask, he's poor like me. The age difference isn't a big deal to us, and I'm certainly not a gold digger.

We have really similar "deep down" personalities...kind of analytical, awkward and introverted, but compassionate and artistic. But we are obviously very different culturally in many ways. He likes loud, I like quiet. He likes crude jokes, I like 'clever' humor. The list goes on.

So despite this, we're really in love. We spend almost all our time together, probably gross people out with how lovey-dovey we are, and I have never felt more loved in my life. We are totally cool with each other's farts, sickness, everything. I LOVE this aspect of our relationship, the total acceptance and support for one another.

I guess my problem is...sometimes I am really unimpressed with him. And I feel like an asshole for even saying it. This feeling has been around for the entire time we've been together.

I always imagined looking at my boyfriend/husband/whatever and being blown away by him. Someone who was exceptional in some way. My bf is super basic, but he's also super loving, would absolutely never cheat on me, and is as loyal as they come. So it's like...do I let myself be bothered that he's a 36-year-old in the service industry, because we have a wonderful relationship otherwise?

He doesn't need to have money or a big house, just like...style. Ambition. Pizzazz. Do you guys get what I'm saying? He's kinda boring.

It's hard for me to imagine committing for life to someone so boring, and yet this is my only real issue with our relationship. Is this even a reason to break up? I feel as though I have been on the fence for our entire relationship, because I love who he is at his core, but BOY this guy is lame. His stories are lame. I don't like his humor most of the time. He doesn't like to go out, and we barely ever go on dates (that's partially a financial thing tho).

Has anyone ever had a relationship like this?? What did you do?

[Shameless]

Relationships are weird. I'm not really in a place to give advice as I'm a 21 year old who has never really been in a 'real' relationship before.

But do you think some of this could be due to an 'expectation' that you had as a kid and carried through to adulthood about what your life would be like? And even though you're okay with how your life/relationship turned out, there's still a part of you that is unsatisfied because you didn't get what you expected?

I find myself having constant slight dissatisfaction in the back of my mind because when I was a kid I thought that by age 21 I'd be at least married to a somewhat wealthy guy/would probably have a kid/etc. etc. Even though I don't necessarily even want that, there's a part of me that's unimpressed because I didn't get what I "expected".

[idontknow]

Do you like the actual relationship or more of the idea of one? It seems like you like all the relationship pieces of him, but don't actually like him all too much.

[illuminate]

Do you like the actual relationship or more of the idea of one? It seems like you like all the relationship pieces of him, but don't actually like him all too much.

It's kinda fucked up, but...yeah. I love being loved and giving love, and having someone there. But sometimes I don't like him as a person, that's true. There are definitely plenty of time that I do really enjoy being around him specifically and would want no one else, though.

Maybe I am just being too choosy. I just have no point of reference as this is my only relationship ever.

edit: Okay, like if I knew him as a friend and we had zero sexual tension...he would probably be a 'sorta' friend. Like, fun to go get high with, but not the kind of friend that you get really close to.

I guess the defining factor here is that we both are super super attracted to one another, and though we are pretty different maybe we both want to make it work because we have such passion for one another. Maybe that is naive of us.

[idontknow]

Yeah, I mean you could wait it out a little longer and put extra effort into it, and then if you're still not feeling it, leave. There's always someone who will want to date you, and you can be in a relationship with someone you enjoy more than you do with him!

[Tsubaki]

I would hardly consider myself qualified to give relationship advice but I can offer you my perspective, if you're interested.

I have a friend who's in a similar position as you. Same age and she's in a relationship with an older guy (a serious one, because I know he's going to pop the question soon). The difference is that she enjoys being the superior one in terms of intellect, and the guy's a player in the past. Their relationship is one full of drama. For her, it's her first real relationship so the fact that the guy wants to marry her is bothering her -- like what if there's more out there?

If there's something you find dissatisfactory, why don't you try to bring it up in conversation? Try to make it work. Even if he's not ambitious himself, most people would make the effort to keep their partner happy. If he cannot bring excitement to the relationship, why don't you try to?

I have to agree: if you're not feeling it, you can leave. It's fine. Sometimes, things don't work out. Better to cut it off early if he doesn't excite you.

[smars27]

Background:
Since I’m in my late 20’s and have experienced a situation slightly similar mainly with the age thing and moving in after a month of dating (I had issues with ghetto people in Socal but couldn’t afford anything non-ghetto down there) but much worse, since I had more issues than just the age difference, so maybe this will be helpful or this will be me just projecting as I’m so over guys and the fact that there will always be girls that enable/put up with their b.s (including myself...not anymore I think..).

The problem:
I think if your biggest problem is that right now he’s boring or you want more…that isn’t much of a problem/issue to me as that depends more on you than him. I mean you can always do better but you can always do worse. That being said there aren’t that many good guys out there, so if he really is one of those you go looking elsewhere, while your gone any girl with half a brain will try and snatch that up and put it on lockdown.

The early 20’s
This is when you find yourself and make your own decisions and allowed to make your own mistakes (as long as you’re willing to put up with the consequences of them so don’t make any that you can’t really go back from). You’re still finding yourself so I think you should just have fun/enjoy the relationship while the benefits > cost and just not invest too much into it, because if you’re in it for the wrong reasons or you know it’s not what you want in the future then just remember that. Guys string girls along all the time so maybe it’s better if you don’t concentrate on anything having to do with the future.

I don’t see how it will be an issue now as it is possible but unlikely you guys will stay together anyway because of how young you are, and the fact that it seems to be your 1st serious relationship. Guys are usually the ones that tend to get bored in relationships, the one good thing about you being young is I doubt if you did get married he would ever trade you for a younger model (although you never know- it could even go the other way around).

My experience:
From my experience there is no such thing as the “fairy tale/perfect/awesome” guy besides in books/movies/songs, etc. When I was in my early 20’s my relationships involved a lot of drama, me being in love with the “idea” of an “ideal” guy I was dating, and other melodramatics (I’m ashamed at how many tears I wasted over a guy who wasn’t really worth a single one) got so bad that I went from the girl who was always in a relationship to right now prefer being alone, because I’m so tired of wasting the times with the wrong one, and putting up with sh*t I shouldn’t have put up with. My guard is up from the fact that almost all guys are nice only when they want something from you (or maybe that's just ppl), can switch like a dime, or hide the bad parts of their personality until your too emotionally invested to leave.

Lessons I’ve learned:
Any guy who’s worth his salt (either has the amazing superficial or non-superficial qualities) will have a dozen girls coming at him, so if you’re willing to fight to keep a guy like that go ahead, but watch it not be worth it in the end because the superficial stuff only looks great/is great in the beginning and guys like to test their boundaries to see what they can/can’t get away with, which can be “exciting” in the stressful way, so I’d rather have boring (but not too boring). I’ve had a few guys try to come crawling back to me (some so many years later) and not realize that just because they had me once doesn’t mean I’ll ever let them have me again and it could be the same for this guy if you take him for granted.

My thoughts on your relationship:
I don’t think you have enough life experience yet to really determine if he’s the right one, so make sure you do what you think is right for you as that’s the only guaranteed one you will have to live with no matter what.

That being said, if he really is a good dude then you will kick yourself later on if you lose him because your only dissatisfaction was that he was boring (aka doesn’t play any games, respects you, etc). Once you damage a man’s ego/feelings I’ve learned they will always keep you at arms-length so I wouldn’t say anything about it either. If you want it to be more exciting, then maybe you should be the one that comes up with the exciting things or have friends to have “exciting experiences” with.

TLDR:
1. Your much too young girl- it’s not like you’re going to marry the guy anytime soon...I think
2. Boring doesn’t sound like it’s that big of an issue to me ..but you will probably find that out when you go through sh*t and start to chill out when your older
3. Have fun while you’re young/not too many expectations, but don’t take for granted any good ppl you have in your life…you will need them esp when life gets tough

Anyway It sounds more like your "honeymoon" phase is ending and you're finally determining whether or not you want to pursue it any further, and if you know it's not going anywhere the only bad thing is if you take advantage (karma**) or miss out on other great opportunities. The only person you're stuck with for life is yourself, remember that and I wish you well.

[M0807]

I was somewhat in a similar position many years ago, (I am 28 now)

Fast forward to now, I am completely in love and have met the man I will someday marry. I know this sounds cheesy but we are crazy for each other, like romance you see in the movies some type of way. Which is how it should be (IMO)

When I was younger, I dated someone for years who made me happy and was a sweetheart but a lot of the time I wasn't happy. Similar to you, I was on the fence of things. Eventually we broke up and now we are still friends. This is just my opinion but life is short, if you aren't feeling a relationship then you aren't feeling it. Be true to yourself, it might suck but think about all the time you could be wasting if you aren't happy.

Good luck!

[vanillakid]

I might not be the best at relationships either, but to me, it sounds like you're not really feeling the relationship, and that's fine. Definitely a good enough reason to break up with someone, if that's what you want.

This might sound stupid, but a line from a song by Lana Del Rey kind of stuck for me when it comes to relationships. "Sometimes love is not enough", which maybe it's not the intended meaning, but I think of it like you need more than just love for a relationship to be great. Sure, you might love him, and he might treat you well enough and make you happy, but if you want more, that's okay.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I don't think you should feel like an ass, or guilty for not wanting to be with him, even if he hasn't really done anything "wrong".

[illuminate]

Thank you to all of you guys for your advice. Especially smars27, holy shit!!

Seriously, every bit of advice here is valuable and good and I'm so grateful to all of you.

The verdict...well, I'm going through a sort of transformative period in my life right now...learning to be grateful for things, be less judgmental, etc. Because I've always been EXTREMELY judgmental and realized it was only making my life worse to be such an ass all the time, even if I wasn't saying things out loud. So for now, I'm going to give it my best shot with my boyfriend. If by, say, summer 2016 I'm still feeling this way, I will probably bow out. But I am feeling as though maybe I've been sitting back waiting for this relationship to impress me rather than investing extra effort in.

So I'm going to plan things for us to get out more. Try to be more patient, but at the same time more active. Show my boyfriend how much I love him. Basically give the relationship my best go, and see what it's really made of.

Thanks again to all of you wonderful ladies. This has helped so much.

[wannavlog]

It sounds like you've made a decision. I will still say that if you're looking for someone with ambition, and he doesn't have it, it will be a rough road. And I'm not talking about money, just ambition to do something and be someone. Trust me. It took me two times to learn that lesson.


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