Distantiating from 'best friend'

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Aubade
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Distantiating from 'best friend'

Post by Aubade » Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:14 pm

My apologies in advance for this long story, you can skip the beginning and just read the end if you want to, I just had to get it off my chest. Any spelling or grammatical mistakes are due to the fact that I'm not a native speaker and also very tired and upset.

I'm in my second year of Uni now. I found it quite difficult to make friends the first few months, but in January this year I signed up for a trip with the study association, even though I didn't really know anyone who would also go. There was this girl who would also be going 'alone' so we met up a few months beforehand because we wanted to get to know each other so at least we would know each other on this trip.

Anyway, we became friends because she seemed to like the same things as I do and we hung out a lot. After a few weeks she already claimed I was her best friend. (I was 19 at the time and she was 18, so this was already a little childish). We went on this trip, we both became friends with the other people (who already were my classmates so I knew a few of them but they weren't my friends yet) so we became one big group of friends.
Over the summer she even asked me on a holiday she had won. Her boyfriend broke up with her so there was a space left, and I was her best friend so I was allowed to go (she won this trip but it was worth about 5000 euros per person, so very expensive). Note that I only knew her for about 6 months by then. We had fun and obviously became quite close, we didn't even fight even though we spent 2 weeks in the same hotelroom.

(long backgroundstory stops here)

But here's the thing, since we've been back she's been acting quite rude to me. It started with compliments that weren't really compliments like "you are so much prettier with short hair" (I had my hair long for 5 years and she always claimed to love my long hair) and more sneers like that. We are now both in the board of the study association but she is so lazy, she never does anything! Even if we give her an order there is always an excuse, and she also always has an excuse when we have to hold a meeting and she can't come.

Since all those irritations added up I was quite fed up with her. I started acting bitchy towards her which she obviously noticed, and she tried to guilttrip me because 'she needed me' and 'she was going through a hard time' (she claimed that she had mono but it was a mistake of the lab and it turned out to be just a cold). Her bitchy remarks, added up with her laziness in the board already made me agitated but I also noticed she 'moulds' to the people she wants to impress. She moulded her interests to mine and she does that to everyone, she wants everyone to like her. It really pisses me off because I feel like I have some genuine friends in my friendsgroup and she just tries to impress everyone, down to the point she is just telling blatant lies. She especially tries to impress the guy who has a crush on me, and I'm starting to like him as well but she keeps shaming me in front of him, talking me down and she also keeps talking for me. So whenever someone asks ME a question she answers, and she also likes to say things like '*my name* hates that, *my name* would never blabla' even though I'm in that room and can answer for myself perfectly fine.

There are a hundred things that bother me but this story is long enough. The problem is, I want to distantiate myself from her, but we are in the same group of friends. Some of my other girlfriends dislike her as well (already did or because I told them this story) but most of them are blind to her dark side and lies. I don't want to hurt her or be a bitch. But I would really like to ignore her but I can't because that would mean I can't see most of my friends. I also don't want to let it escalate in one big fight, but a fight is definitely brewing because I can't keep these feelings in anymore. I know I should start a conversation with her but I have no idea what to say without getting angry. Or am I being whiny and should I stick up with it?

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Re: Distantiating from 'best friend'

Post by HattieChaos » Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:59 pm

Okay, this is almost exactly the same situation I had with a girl at my new school that I became close with in September, except obviously we hadn't been friends anywhere near as long as you guys. I don't really feel like I'm qualified to advise you because I handled my situation so badly, but one thing's for sure - you should not just "stick up with it". You deserve better from your friends, they are supposed to make you feel good and support you and if she's not doing that, then she's not a friend.

In my situation, I ended up just stopping hanging with the group altogether, even though it meant losing other people too. I maintained contact with one girl from the group, but we're not as close as we had been. The only reason I flat out stopped being with them was because I had came to a new school and they all knew each other before. Obviously in your situation, that wouldn't be the move to make.

I think all I can say is maybe to start with, confront her about it? From what you've written though, she's probably the sort of person (exactly like my ex friend) that would just reflect everything you say back onto you and make the whole thing about her and how she needs support, etc, etc. Might be worth a try though. That's all I have, hopefully someone who's better at this kind of thing will come along and offer their two cents, haha. Anyway, hope it improves. :love2:

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Re: Distantiating from 'best friend'

Post by whoawhoawhoa » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:09 pm

ughh it's sucky to hear your friend is being this way. i know this story too well.

i've had a few people like this in my life... idk why but when i tell my boyfriend or family about people like this they usually say it's something about my personality that attracts people like this. i tend to be very welcoming and people believe me trustworthy because i am disarming(i don't even try to be, but i think my family raised me to be very forgiving).

did i ever feel like there were moments when she got too close for comfort? like wanting to spend A LOOOOT of time with you, and you didn't even want to some of those times? she seems really clingy...

if you are worried that she is making you look bad in front of others/the guy you have a crush on(i.e. when she talks FOR you, which is horrible!!!) don't worry, other people will pick-up that she is at least overly controlling and pushy. in a group situation, it seems like she has very low confidence in herself. she needs to live vicariously through a best friend/you/other people to seem interesting, hence why she tries so hard to make connections and impress others, as well as why she gives you backhanded compliments.
she is probably lonely because she has been a bad friend like this to other people as well, and people have abandoned her for the same reason, so when she finds a new friend she magnetizes herself to him/her and doesn't understand the boundaries as she begins infiltrating other people's lives.

what i've done in the past is distance myself quietly. i would deny invites to hangout without making up excuses but being honest. instead of saying "i can't hang out, i need to study", i'd say "i don't want to go out today" and don't say any more if she presses you. it sends the message clearly. and only be around her when others are around. so if you HAVE to spend time with her, have a third party there so she can't be so overbearing to just you.

this is just my opinion and what i did. confrontation is good only if you really care to be her friend, or really care to get her out of your life. i've done that too, and i've had to rid my life of a lot of selfish, scumbag friends.

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Re: Distantiating from 'best friend'

Post by Aubade » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:19 pm

Thanks guys, I'm glad I'm not the only one who ends up in these situations :? . I think I'm going to follow whoawhoawhoa's advice and stop seeing her outside the group hang outs and hope that she gets the hint and eventually pipes down when she doesn't feel a friendly bond with me anymore, but I'm afraid she will keep up with the nasty comments to either make me feel bad or make herself feel better.

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Re: Distantiating from 'best friend'

Post by Aubade » Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:19 pm

Thanks guys, I'm glad I'm not the only one who ends up in these situations :? . I think I'm going to follow whoawhoawhoa's advice and stop seeing her outside the group hang outs and hope that she gets the hint and eventually pipes down when she doesn't feel a friendly bond with me anymore, but I'm afraid she will keep up with the nasty comments to either make me feel bad or make herself feel better.

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Re: Distantiating from 'best friend'

Post by Ashley » Tue Jan 07, 2014 3:36 pm

I had to distance myself from a best friend. She was very immature and I try to not have associations with people like her. All I did was stop answering calls (block her?), and texts. She got the hint and unfriended me from Facebook. If she tries to make plans, claim you are busy when you are not. I am sure she will get the hint. A real friend wouldn't act the way she has.

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