Why are my friends excluding me?

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PassionPeaches
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Why are my friends excluding me?

Post by PassionPeaches » Wed Mar 01, 2017 7:55 pm

Hi guys!
This is probably might be confusing and may be a little long, but I'll try my best to keep things clear.
So I'm gonna use fake names, not that any of them would see this, but just to be safe and protect their privacy.

I have a close friend name Tanya, I would consider her one of my best friends. So Tanya has a group of friends that she is very close with and hangs out with a lot. I started hanging out with her and her friend group and became pretty close with some of the people in the group and we all hangout whenever we get the chance too, we even had a "Friendsgiving" this year which was super fun and we all had a good time. Anyway, another girl in the group that I'll call Heather, has always given me the vibe that she doesn't like me. She's always been nice to me, but she has just given me the "i don't like you vibe." So there was one night that me, Tanya, Heather, Melanie (another girl in the friend group) and Emma (a friend of Tanya's) all went out to a hockey game for a girls night out. The way the hockey game works is that if the team wins on Wednesday, you can use your ticket from the "winning Wednesday" game for the next game that is on a Wednesday. So anyway the team won and we planned on going to the next Wednesday game. So the next Wednesday game rolls around and i don't hear from any of the people in the friend group about going to the hockey game that night. So i look on snapchat and I see snapchats from all the people in the group of them at the hockey game. I mean everyone that we usually hangout with is at the game. I was kinda hurt that I wasn't invited so I texted Tanya asking "how come no one told me that you all were going to the game tonight?" and tanya's reply was "Oh I didn't know you wanted to go, sorry." I decided that it wasn't a big deal and then just kind of brushed it off. So then fast forward to today. Today is Melanie's 21st birthday and I knew that Tanya and Heather we're planning on taking Melanie out for her birthday tonight and they've all been friend's for awhile. I didn't care too much because I'm not 21 yet and me and Melanie aren't super close.So then I go on snapchat and saw that Tanya posted a snapchat story of everyone in the friend group hanging out and eating cake/having drinks for Melanie's birthday, even friend's that aren't 21 yet. It felt like a slap in the face because I was once again, the only friend not invited to the little get together everyone was having. I'm genuinely confused because this is the 2nd time in a short period of time that something like this has happened. I don't know if it was on purpose or accident, but I texted another friend in the group, Matt, about why I wasn't invited. He responded, "Why would I be the one to invite you? Ask Tanya why you weren't invited." I didn't text Tanya because I don't want to ruin her night, but I'm kind of hurt honestly. I like all them and I'm a likable person so I don't get why they would exclude me like that and not for the first time either.

This probably doesn't sound like a huge deal, but I'm kinda hurt and don't know what to do.
Any thoughts/advice about what to do would be greatly appreciated!

:love2: :love2: :love2:

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sunnygossip
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Re: Why are my friends excluding me?

Post by sunnygossip » Wed Mar 01, 2017 9:38 pm

i hope what i say can be somewhat helpful to you. also sorry if i ramble a bit, lol. this is just my perspective.
from what you said, it seems that we are in the same age and are/have been in similar situations. you definitely have the right to be upset.

that being said, it seems questionable tanya would say she didn't think you would want to go to the game, when just last week you went to the game. it is also odd how matt seemed a tad rude in his response to you. is tanya the "ring leader" of the group, is no one else allowed to invite other people? saying to ~ask tanya~ why you weren't invited is a bit of a red flag...does no one else in that group have a phone?

i don't really know why this is happening, i wish i did so i could provide an answer.

it is a possibility the group (if there is a "hierarchy" like there seems to be to me), feels you don't click with them for whatever reason.

if this is the case, please know it's because there are better people out there who will readily include you and you won't have to feel uncomfortable texting if you're upset (i.e. not texting tanya to not ruin her night).

before dropping them like hot potatoes, maybe try to initiate a hang out session with them and see how the response is? or ask if anyone is going to the weekly game, something of that nature. take note of the response.

my similar background if youre interested:
long story short...a few years ago i had a one friend, who slowly introduced me to her friend group. everyone seemed nice enough, i could tell some members were a little stand offish towards me, but that is to be expected. we hung out a few times on different occasions, until suddenly the initial friend stopped inviting me. i still didn't feel comfortable enough at this time to initiate hang outs with the group or anything like that, and i also didn't want to "intrude". eventually, initial friend told me she stopped inviting me because she "didn't think i would want to". after not being invited various times, right after hanging out multiple times, it was clear to me i was not wanted because i didn't fit in. i have no idea why, there was no direct source of conflict or falling out. it just may have been someone new coming in a friend group that was already established.

they just didn't like what i brought to the table, i decided to stop making an effort to contact initial friend. she did the same and we haven't talked since. in later years i discovered that whole group was just toxic, there was an unspoken hierarchy, and none of the friends really were happy with one another, and it all fell apart. so i was glad i wasn't really "IN".

good luck bb, i hope everything works out for the best :love2:

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Re: Why are my friends excluding me?

Post by MontyMayhem » Thu Mar 02, 2017 2:18 pm

Something similar kept happening to me in my senior year of high school and all throughout college with the same group of friends (ironically I was the person who connected all these people together in the first place). I confronted them about it and they apologized but they kept excluding me from hanging out, parties, going out to eat, etc. They just said something along the lines of "oh we didn't think you'd want to go" or "well you don't really do X or Z so we didn't invite you." It never stopped. I found new friends who were not assholes and actually wanted to spend time with me. It sucks because I grew up with these people, I was best friends with the one girl since I was 3 years old, and they didn't value my friendship at all. Moral of my story is, if they don't appreciate you or value your friendship, find new friends who are more mature and genuine. As an adult, you don't need that shit and you're really better off. I don't regret not wasting any more time of them.

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Re: Why are my friends excluding me?

Post by phoenixfeather283 » Mon Mar 06, 2017 9:27 am

I've been where you are right now. And it f**King sucks. One of my current best friends actually gave off the vibe that she didn't like me. They excluded me for one full year, where they would have group conversations on Messenger, and they wouldn't add me to the group ( or even offer to add me!). There was one instance where she just grabbed a couple of our friends and walked out, while I was mid-conversation with them. Thankfully the other girls where really nice and didn't follow up on that behaviour.

If you choose to stick with the same group of girls/guys - Get to know people OTHER than Tanya. Don't let her be your main connection to the group. If you get close enough to the other girls, her ability to cut you off will automatically reduce. Don't depend on her as your sole connection to the group, because it seems to me like she's the one who introduced you and now she doesn't want you hanging around "her' friends. It's probably some weird ass jealousy. (she probably thinks they were HER friends first and not yours)

If ALL of them genuinely bitchy, ( side note- matt sounds rude af) , even if they do keep including you, it's probably going to be out of politeness. And they will go out of the way to exclude you and make you feel like a stranger. I've been there AS WELL, trust me. it's not worth it. GET out while you still can. There is no worse feeling than to feel like you're a complete outsider in the group

I'm assuming you're all in some sort of new environment? If it's college or something similar, move on. You'll find like minded people, and they'll be good to you.

My frenemy-turned-best-friend came around when I got close to the other two girls. She's genuinely one of the best people I know. I guess, she just had a bad first impression or something? I never let it bother me. If they all were rude to me, I wouldn't have stuck around for as long as I did.

Tl;dr- Figure out if it's worth it otherwise cut and run.

I hope you feel better <3

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Re: Why are my friends excluding me?

Post by toTheBasementPeople » Wed Aug 30, 2017 7:29 pm

CUT
THEM
OFF :tu:

There are going to be people who will actually want to spend time with you 0 they clearly sound like they dont want to, so dont even bother tbh. why would you want to hang around a group of people who dont want you there. sounds like a bad/waste of time to me. I was friends with this group of girls who would invite me to events and then started cutting me off. I would log onto snap and see them posting snaps of them eating/drinking/shopping/hanging out with each other. Later, they would ask me to do favors for them and pretended like they never went out without me... and they were the fake nice sort. Eventually, I found other friends and became happier.

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Re: Why are my friends excluding me?

Post by skeptic_gal » Sat Sep 02, 2017 8:24 pm

ahhh that's so frustrating! My feelings are pretty similar with the other advice you've gotten so far. If I could throw in some extra tidbits from my own experience I would say however you decide to handle the situation AVOID trying to win anone back or being overly nice. It sounds like they are taking you for granted if that makes sense. Like alot of groups it sounds like they need a hierarchy like sunnygossip was saying. I usually get bottom rung in those situations and the faster you can get out the better.

I would take a step back and get to know some new people or people you don't normally hang out with. Put these current friends on more of an acquaintance level for now and see who really cares about keeping in touch with you. Don't be afraid to spend more alone time too. One great lesson I learned in life is you really don't need many close people around to be happy. That one or two special friends can be a million times more valuable than a group.

Also remember to never give more than you get. Alot of people around the college years (cough millennials cough) are experts at being fake and looking for people to use. Also remember actions speak louder than words and always look for evidence to back up how people say they feel about you or promises they make to you. Don't buy someones words alone

If you ever want to DM me please do! Good luck!

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Re: Why are my friends excluding me?

Post by cocossecret » Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:43 pm

tanya might be a narcissist, this is the exact game they play..for power..they love it and will do it they're whole lives.trust me, you are better off to get away now and make new friends that are nice and appreciate you ..narcsissts are evil

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Re: Why are my friends excluding me?

Post by Sanasunbaenim » Thu Dec 21, 2017 11:30 am

Hi! Maybe there's one person in your group of "friends" that doesn't like you and that person told your friend to not invite you. That's what I think, or maybe Tanya is jealous of you... You should talk it out with her tho.

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Re: Why are my friends excluding me?

Post by cutelilbunny123 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 2:38 pm

to anyone with a similar issue, i'll keep it short and simple.
1) confront them and ask them exactly why they have started to exclude you
2) once you know, cut them out of your life

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