Needing Opinions and Advice...PLEASE...

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Moe77
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Needing Opinions and Advice...PLEASE...

Post by Moe77 » Wed Jul 09, 2014 5:53 am

I'm going to make this as fact driven as possible without emotion. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. He is a wonderful person. In fact, the other day, I was standing at a distance from the family doing something and hubby was talking to some people he knew and as they parted ways the people walked by me (didn't realize I was there) and were saying what "quality people" hubby is and "how he is such a good guy. Okay. We have two children ages 16 and 11. Hubby and his sister had a VERY abusive childhood. His mother physically, emotionally, and verbally abused him. She is HORRIBLE. For years, I had this horrible gut feeling about her and my husband's step-dad. I couldn't put my finger on it..I just knew they were horrible people. Everytime I would be forced to be around them I looked like I was the one with the problem. The WHOLE time sister never said a word and acted like I was the crazy one. Fast forward to a few years ago, hubby's half-sister (her real dad is the sexual molestor) tells me the truth of the situation. Step-dad had sexually molested and abused hubby's sister for YEARS. I'm EXTREMELY up in arms about this for the following reasons:
1. The WHOLE time my children were forced to be around those two monsters sister (even though she is a victim) couldn't let her supposed love for my children prompt her to maybe say something...ANYTHING!!! I mean if there's a snake in the house and you come to visit me...I'm going to tell you there's a damn snake in the house.
2. I'm sure sister has some whacked out psychosis that she's dealing with BUT why in the world would she continue to feel compelled to associate with them, visit with them, have them in her wedding? Which leads me to wonder what if she is making it up (which at one point she did deny it but I think that she just didn't want to deal with it) but if she's making it up, then she's a huge psychopath that needs to be steered clear of.
3. I feel that if you have personal knowledge of someone abusing a child in any way and you don't say anything...Then you are a silent participate in that abuse. If someone else's child is abused and they find out that the family knew how a person was all along and didn't warn people, then the family is just as guilty as the actual pervert.
4. I REALLY feel the need to call the pastor of their church and alert him to the situation. I know they are very active with church things and I feel like someone there needs to know!!! Hubby is telling me no, I shouldn't say anything, it all happened so long ago, and that's his family, blah, blah, blah. I'm practically vibrating cause I feel like WHAT??? Every molester, rapist, abuser has a family...So no one should ever say anything cause they might have a family. W...T...F?
5. This morning I notice on FB that his mother has a picture of my kids as her profile pic. I swear my head spun around like 5 times when I seen it. I SPECIFICALLY told hubby that I don't want her to have access to any of my children's pictures. I feel that the one thing in life that is unexcusable is abusing a child or letting the abuse of child continue (she was told about the abuse supposedly and did nothing about it) and if you allow someone to abuse YOUR child you automatically lose mom rights, dad rights, grandmother rights, or grandfather rights. I feel VERY strongly about this.

Suggestions? Am I being crazy?

Moe77
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Re: Needing Opinions and Advice...PLEASE...

Post by Moe77 » Wed Jul 09, 2014 6:00 am

Oh...and his argument is that I never liked them to begin with and I'm using this as an excuse to hate them more. I feel like that just shows that my gut was right all along and I was younger and didn't quite know how to hone in on the gut feelings yet.

Plus sister is always calling us up and trying to make us feel bad for not talking to his parents and not taking our kids up there. I'm like REALLY? I feel the need to have a sit down with her and say look tell me the truth and then explain to her how rational people would behave in this situation.

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Re: Needing Opinions and Advice...PLEASE...

Post by PurpleRain » Wed Jul 09, 2014 4:01 pm

Hi Moe77,

First of all is that you are brave person for writing all this and posting, its a great release.
My first question is was he (your husband) abused by them also?

As for the sister, its a tough thing, she is dealing with a lot mentally. You seriously need to speak to her about why she's holding all these important serious things to herself. She needs to speak to someone or something might happen to her or others. Abuse never leaves you, you can't heal from it. And if she did say that she forgave him then don't believe her, she thinks she did but it doesn't work that way. She defiantly needs therapy.

As for telling your pastor, it does seem the logic thing to do as they all need major help mentally or they will never be fixed. However your husband did say no, and if you go behind his back, things might change for the worse between you two.

What could be a good idea, is talking personally to a counsellors yourself about this situation, make an appointment and discuss this in detail and they will tell you what the best next step. Dont rush this, its very delicate.

I hope this helped, I have many counsellors in my family. Counselling is very much needed here before you do anything yourself! <3 <3 <3
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Re: Needing Opinions and Advice...PLEASE...

Post by Moe77 » Thu Jul 10, 2014 2:41 am

Thank you purplerain....At least I know I'm not crazy. That's a great idea about the counseling. Hugs!!!!

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Re: Needing Opinions and Advice...PLEASE...

Post by lolita_blah » Wed Jul 23, 2014 7:24 am

Moe 77 Did you discuss this with your husband at all?? If he is a nice person, I think he might understand your fears and take action with you.. It will make it easier on you to deal with the whole situation.
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Re: Needing Opinions and Advice...PLEASE...

Post by Sissy » Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:50 am

This is a tricky situation, that's for sure.

However, your sister-in-law's behaviour pattern isn't uncommon for abused people. Based on how you described it, she has gone through various types of abuse throughout her childhood up to her adult life. The form of abuse might have changed, but it has always been a constant in her life.

One important thing for abusers is to have their victim for themselves. You sister-in-law has grown up systematic abuse where the perpetuators probably told her she deserved it in some way and that she ought to be punished. They might have told her that no one would believe her if she told someone else. They might have convinced her she was better off with them, that their abuse wasn't as bad she thought it was. An important aspect of abuse is to understand that the abuser undermines the person completly. They brainwash their victims into being totally subservient and loyal so they can continue the cycle of abuse. It is as its worst when a child is the victim; the way the world is constructed relies heavily on their parents so they can not break free as easily.

So, for her to spend time and even defend her abusers is a common, but tragic, occurance. Right now it is very important you don't turn your back on her. She trusts you enough to open up about her past, you should listen to her and try to offer support.

As for her not telling you of your abuse parents-in-law could be out of various reasons. I doubt it is from a place of malice; it could simply be that she has no idea how an actual healthy family dynamic works. What is abuse has been brainwashed into her as care. Deep dysfunctional patterns are her norm.

Your husband is reluctant to talk about his abusive past and from what I understood, his sister's abuse was worse than his. My advice would be to strive to form a solid base of conversation where they could open up about their pasts. It is a hard and painful process for them, but it could be that your husband, that now seems to be in a solid relantionship with a good family dynamic, could be the one to show his sister that she has a safe place to go to.

As for your mother-in-law having photos of your family, you need to firmly, but poletly ask her to remove the pictures. If your children are underaged, you can cite FB's rules against minors to get her to take them down. If your husband has access to pictures and caves in under pressure and shares them, maybe you should store your pictures on your phone and update them only on social media sites where you can limit who can watch them.

It is good that you are concerned about your community as well. But right now, you need to support the people who have gone through the abuse. When they are ready, together they can share their experiences about the abuse with the community. It is their thing to do, not yours. You can however be instrumental in this through your support.
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