Do you have a bad relationship with your dad?

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snowfeet
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Do you have a bad relationship with your dad?

Post by snowfeet » Wed Jul 09, 2014 3:28 am

Hello everyone! I've recently been having some a really shitty time with my dad and I need some advice. None of my friends have struggled with a similar situation and I always love the advice you all give to everybody else, so hopefully you can help me out.

My parents divorced when I was around 3/4; however have been able to maintain a friendship of sorts over the year and he has been a part of the family. In February things have got pretty bad. My dad massively let my family down and has had minimal contact with me since (which he has blamed on me), including not even ringing me on my 21st birthday. Last night he sent me some text messages about how this is all a result of my mum and said some really awful things about her. I responded and explained why I have been upset and that I would like him to apologise to my family and to me for what he has done. He replied with more rude comments about my mum.

I'm finding this really hard as he has never really let me down to this extent before and I feel like he is coming to the point where he would rather not have a relationship with me than to take any responsibility for his actions. I don't really know where to go from here.

Is time the only way these things heal? Have you been let down by your dad? Or dealt with parents telling you the other is a horrible person? Have you had to take responsibility for re-building a relationship?

I just would really like to hear some of your experiences and hopefully I can start to find a way I can do something about this.

Thank you in advance <3

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Re: Do you have a bad relationship with your dad?

Post by conflate » Wed Jul 09, 2014 4:01 am

My parents divorced when I was 5 and have hated each other ever since. I'm 25 now and have essentially spent my entire life listening to each of them bitch about the other. It really sucks but at some point I had to come to the realisation that my parents are people, like anybody else... they are both hurt and bitter and really should never have been together in the first place, let alone had kids. I think it's damaged my relationship with both of them to some extent because I tend to avoid real conversations with them as they somehow always lead back to "your father/mother did this..." and I just don't want to hear it.

I just don't respond when they start and say I'm not interested in having the conversation. I'm older now so it's easier, I don't have to speak to them every day and my dad has lived in another country for most of my life, so seeing him has always been fairly rare. It's annoying, really, and hurtful that they've never seemed to be able to put our (my siblings and I) wellbeing before their own issues with each other but that's just the way things are, I suppose.

Time has definitely helped. I used to feel really angry about it as a teenager but now I've just kind of accepted it and feel almost apathetic towards them. I'd say you should try to talk to your dad and explain that you love him but he's ruining your relationship by continuing to act this way. What goes on between them is none of your business and you shouldn't be subjected to hearing it about it if you don't want to, nor do you deserve feeling torn, wanting to defend your mother but also not wanting to upset him. I wish I'd been more honest with both of them when I was younger, I tended to just keep quiet and I guess that resulted in the state of our relationships now - it's pretty much too late to fix them, I think.

I doubt that helped at all, lol..

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Re: Do you have a bad relationship with your dad?

Post by snowfeet » Wed Jul 09, 2014 9:38 am

You have been a brilliant help! Thank you so much for replying. It is really interesting to hear how you have been able to explain how it effects yo when they put each other down. I guess you have had a lot longer to deal with their animosity and get used to it, in a way.

For me, it is all very raw right now and for most of my teenage years they had a really great friendship and we would go out to dinner all together or go to trips, which was great for me. Now all of that is lost, I'm an adult and I will have to start building an individual relationship with him from scratch.

I think what I really want to hear, but I know I never will, is that it can go back to the way it used to be. At this point it is just too difficult and his resentment is too much right now. I think I will have to let this settle for a while and see if he is prepared to listen to my feelings, rather than concentrate on his own. I did try to explain how hurt I was and how I want more than anything to move on from this.

I hope being honest will help, but I think right now he just doesn't want to hear it.

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Re: Do you have a bad relationship with your dad?

Post by Rogue » Thu Jul 17, 2014 11:41 am

I don't have a relationship with my father at all and am rather apathetic towards him. He is just one of those people that never takes responsibility for anything and always finds someone else to blame yet still tries to look like the "good guy." There are other issues too I won't get into. I stopped talking to him about 4 years ago and my life has been great. But my mum is also fantastic so that plays a role.
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Re: Do you have a bad relationship with your dad?

Post by jwolf5554 » Fri Jul 18, 2014 3:37 pm

Yeah I have a similar situation. I don't have much a relationship with my father. Having a great, strong relationship with my mother has really helped and I don't know what I would have done without her. It's hard because I have this idea that that is my father so I can't cut him out of my life even if it might be the healthiest thing for me to do. I was brought up in a family that taught me that blood means everything and that your family comes first above everything. I always tried so hard to have that relationship with him and always ended up hurt so now I realize to not try so hard and just let things be I guess no matter how much that might hurt.
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Re: Do you have a bad relationship with your dad?

Post by snowfeet » Mon Jul 21, 2014 12:56 pm

Rogue wrote:I don't have a relationship with my father at all and am rather apathetic towards him. He is just one of those people that never takes responsibility for anything and always finds someone else to blame yet still tries to look like the "good guy." There are other issues too I won't get into. I stopped talking to him about 4 years ago and my life has been great. But my mum is also fantastic so that plays a role.

I think you just described my dad too. Have you always had a bad relationship with him, or did it just gradually get worse till you stopped talking to him?
jwolf5554 wrote:Yeah I have a similar situation. I don't have much a relationship with my father. Having a great, strong relationship with my mother has really helped and I don't know what I would have done without her. It's hard because I have this idea that that is my father so I can't cut him out of my life even if it might be the healthiest thing for me to do. I was brought up in a family that taught me that blood means everything and that your family comes first above everything. I always tried so hard to have that relationship with him and always ended up hurt so now I realize to not try so hard and just let things be I guess no matter how much that might hurt.
This is exactly how I'm feeling. Nobody wants to have to make a decision about whether or not to cut out a parent from their lives, and if you do then would you spend your life regretting it? Its been two weeks since he sent those messages to me and he hasn't tried contacting me. I feel like he is giving up on our relationship. I don't want to give up yet, I just don't feel like it should be up to me to fix it by myself. The worst part of it all for me is the realisation that maybe his love for me isn't unconditional like I always thought it was.

Thank you for replying :love2: :love2:

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Re: Do you have a bad relationship with your dad?

Post by Rogue » Mon Jul 21, 2014 2:50 pm

"I think you just described my dad too. Have you always had a bad relationship with him, or did it just gradually get worse till you stopped talking to him?"

We had a good relationship when I was younger, but I think that was due to the fact that I was a child and didn't see how selfish he was. As i grew older I just realized that he was never going to take responsibility for himself and that just because he was my father didn't mean that I had to have him in my life, especially if he was a destructive force.
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Re: Do you have a bad relationship with your dad?

Post by kaylie27 » Sat Sep 06, 2014 1:08 pm

My parents have divorced twice. The first it was right after 6th grade and then 24 hours after divorce court they were back together. The second time was after 9th grade my dad moved out. My mom later remarried in August 2011 and my dad is now engaged. I do not live with any of my parents. I live with my boyfriend right now and we are currently expecting a baby girl in January. So my little sister who was 15 at the time snuck out a window and my dad picked her up because my mom grounded her for doing something to me. She is now 17 and they are still in court over child support. My stepdad picks up our insurance even though my dad is suppose to, but my dad owns his own company and they dont provide insurance and since my dad has my little sister technically my mom should be paying child support. So basically everyone owes eachother money now. Well my dad refuses to talk to my mom... and both my older and younger sister have barely any contact with my mom. Throughout this whole battle I have been neutral. I told my dad that I dont want to talk about mom and I told my mom that I dont want to talk about dad. So my dad basically said that he wont be going to the hospital when I give birth if my mom is there, wont be attending my baby shower, and not to mention I am graduating soon and eventually going to get married to my boyfriend. So I told him that I can not plan two events for everything, that this time in my life should be about me, and my boyfriend and our baby, but everyone is making it about themselves. I basically had to get away from my family since I got pregnant because it stresses me out, and I think they are being very selfish.

My dad also pissed me off the other night too. But first I have to tell a backstory... So my older sister is very excited to be an aunt, and when I told my family I was pregnant I was around 9 weeks pregnant and have not passed the biggest percent of miscarriage milestone yet. My older sister really wanted to tell people she was an aunt and post on facebook. I told her that I wasnt ready yet because I wanted to wait a few more weeks and do it on me and my boyfriends terms. She ended up posting it on facebook, and I did not get to. She also told me she wanted to plan my baby shower and I said that I wanted to do it on a Sunday in November and she said we cant plan it on a sunday because of the football games. So basically she is not planning my baby shower anymore. Back to my dad now... I mentioned that I think my sister is still mad at me for not letting her plan my shower and my dad said "We all know you can be really selfish at times." and I was like WHATTT?! Im selfish because I want my baby shower on a Sunday for multiple reasons and she cant do that because of the football games?! Im selfish because I did not get to announce my own pregnancy on my own time?! He basically said I was taking too long to announce it and that my time was too slow. So right now me and my dad are not on the best of terms.

I am sorry that you are having issues with your dad also! Sorry for the long post, just needed to vent!

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