Inappropriate touching?
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Inappropriate touching?
So this is something that has bothering me for a while...
My stepdad likes to give me hugs and kisses (on the cheek). I'm not an affectionate person, so it makes me uncomfortable, but I put up with it. Anyway, for a while now I've noticed that whenever he hugs me he puts his hand under my shirt. The first time it happened I didn't think much of it. However, recently he's been grabbing my breast when he gives me a kiss and yesterday he actually went underneath my bra. I couldn't believe it. He has to know that's inappropriate, right? Or am I just overreacting? He doesn't fondle it or anything, he just grabs it. But it's still weird. There's no need to grab somebody's breast just to kiss them on the cheek. I feel gross just thinking about it. Have you ever been in a situation like this? What did you do?
My stepdad likes to give me hugs and kisses (on the cheek). I'm not an affectionate person, so it makes me uncomfortable, but I put up with it. Anyway, for a while now I've noticed that whenever he hugs me he puts his hand under my shirt. The first time it happened I didn't think much of it. However, recently he's been grabbing my breast when he gives me a kiss and yesterday he actually went underneath my bra. I couldn't believe it. He has to know that's inappropriate, right? Or am I just overreacting? He doesn't fondle it or anything, he just grabs it. But it's still weird. There's no need to grab somebody's breast just to kiss them on the cheek. I feel gross just thinking about it. Have you ever been in a situation like this? What did you do?
Re: Inappropriate touching?
That is NOT okay. He definitely knows that it is inappropriate. That was super unsettling to read and I feel so bad that you had to experience these things
You definitely need to talk to your mom. It is not okay for anyone to touch you like that without your consent, especially a close family member who you are supposed to be able to trust.
Please do talk to your mom or another trusted person in your life about this. He needs to be stopped. God this is just such an awful situation don't let him continue doing this to you
You definitely need to talk to your mom. It is not okay for anyone to touch you like that without your consent, especially a close family member who you are supposed to be able to trust.
Please do talk to your mom or another trusted person in your life about this. He needs to be stopped. God this is just such an awful situation don't let him continue doing this to you
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
Thank you for responding.
I thought it was wrong, but since I'm not an affectionate person I convinced myself that I was overreacting. Then today when I was getting ready for bed I started thinking about it. He does it when nobody else is around, which is a red flag. If he thought it was ok he would do it in front of anybody, right?
I want to tell my mom, but I don't know how. I think I would hate her if she made up an excuse for him. I don't know why he does that, when he has told me that he loves me like I'm his own child. What kind of father would grab their daughter's breast? I want to believe that he's just socially inept (that's probably not that right word for it) and not a pervert.
I thought it was wrong, but since I'm not an affectionate person I convinced myself that I was overreacting. Then today when I was getting ready for bed I started thinking about it. He does it when nobody else is around, which is a red flag. If he thought it was ok he would do it in front of anybody, right?
I want to tell my mom, but I don't know how. I think I would hate her if she made up an excuse for him. I don't know why he does that, when he has told me that he loves me like I'm his own child. What kind of father would grab their daughter's breast? I want to believe that he's just socially inept (that's probably not that right word for it) and not a pervert.
Re: Inappropriate touching?
I hate to say this but you are not overreacting and he is not just socially inept. What he has done is sexual assault. I know that it will be difficult to tell your mom because she loves him but it needs to happen. Her husband is assaulting you and it needs to stop It would be awful if this were to escalate further.
Is there someone else in your life that you could talk to first and that could help you tell your mom? Perhaps a grandparent or family friend? A trusted teacher or guidance counselor would also be good (if you're still in high school).
While I do know a bit about this issue I'm definitely not an expert, and you could also consider speaking to one, through a hotline or something of that nature.
Here are some links that you may find helpful:
https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national ... lt-hotline
http://www.womenhelpingwomen.org/what-i ... l-assault/
http://safeplace.org/learn-more/sexualassault/
If this happens again, please tell him that it is absolutely not okay. Hopefully you will be able to talk to your mom or someone else soon. I don't know if your dad is in your life but he would obviously also be a good person to talk to, just perhaps not the person to tell your mom with you (especially if they had a difficult separation or something--she may blame him).
Ultimately, just know that this is NOT okay, and most of all, that it is NOT your fault. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I really hope that you can find help and get this worked out. Let me know if there is anything at all that I can do and feel free to PM me at any time if you need help or want to talk.
Is there someone else in your life that you could talk to first and that could help you tell your mom? Perhaps a grandparent or family friend? A trusted teacher or guidance counselor would also be good (if you're still in high school).
While I do know a bit about this issue I'm definitely not an expert, and you could also consider speaking to one, through a hotline or something of that nature.
Here are some links that you may find helpful:
https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national ... lt-hotline
http://www.womenhelpingwomen.org/what-i ... l-assault/
http://safeplace.org/learn-more/sexualassault/
If this happens again, please tell him that it is absolutely not okay. Hopefully you will be able to talk to your mom or someone else soon. I don't know if your dad is in your life but he would obviously also be a good person to talk to, just perhaps not the person to tell your mom with you (especially if they had a difficult separation or something--she may blame him).
Ultimately, just know that this is NOT okay, and most of all, that it is NOT your fault. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I really hope that you can find help and get this worked out. Let me know if there is anything at all that I can do and feel free to PM me at any time if you need help or want to talk.
- Bunnyprincess26
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
Yup. As your being told IT IS NOT okay. A few common thoughts that can go with situations like this. He may play he is socially awkward but it may be a ruse. Doesent mean he's a liar about everything thing but typically if someone like that gets his rocks off how "minor" it may seem doing that little thing it means he's aware. If he thinks he can get away with the little things it can progress to bigger. Like you described at first it has progressed to over shirt to under. He is testing to see when you tell him to stop. If you react he will notice and he maybe nicer in someway for scare you "telling" on him" yes tell your mom or SOMEONE that you can trust. And if that someone tells you oh your over reacting and to be quiet tell someone else. It is not to be kept a secret. IT Is YOUR BODY and your entitled to safe and feeling safe wheather you like to be touched or not.
Your the one that is being taken advantage of. So one1. You never OWE any one anything. If your stepdad is saying stuff or your mom like. "I just gave you money or let you go out with your friends etc and you owe me" or making it sound like that then that is not true. The parents are the adults and should know better.
2. Your hear examples of " oh she walks around in those dresses or said this or she gave me that look" bull crap. Just because you where comfy clothes or act your normal self in your environment or home does not mean come take advantage or touch me. Especially from a step parent or other.
I could go on and on but bottom line your being taken advantage of. Your uncomfortable and you are allowed to say you are it's your body and your mind. You did nothing wrong. Don't keep it quiet. Be prepared. This maybe a minor thing. You tell your mom it gets out in the open and it stops. OR shock, disbelief, you feel like your not being believed or that your imagining things..and other people may react badly. Mom may cry or be mad not at you but at the situation. These are normal feelings.
Lastly reach out. If your online, have a phone , email whatever, come here and talk either thread or pm. Even tho we disagree and such for gossip we are here for support I seem to notice.
It's a lot I'm sorry BUT don't hope it goes away and not do anything. May sound cheesy but be strong and brave.
Advice based on personal experience and real life career.
Your the one that is being taken advantage of. So one1. You never OWE any one anything. If your stepdad is saying stuff or your mom like. "I just gave you money or let you go out with your friends etc and you owe me" or making it sound like that then that is not true. The parents are the adults and should know better.
2. Your hear examples of " oh she walks around in those dresses or said this or she gave me that look" bull crap. Just because you where comfy clothes or act your normal self in your environment or home does not mean come take advantage or touch me. Especially from a step parent or other.
I could go on and on but bottom line your being taken advantage of. Your uncomfortable and you are allowed to say you are it's your body and your mind. You did nothing wrong. Don't keep it quiet. Be prepared. This maybe a minor thing. You tell your mom it gets out in the open and it stops. OR shock, disbelief, you feel like your not being believed or that your imagining things..and other people may react badly. Mom may cry or be mad not at you but at the situation. These are normal feelings.
Lastly reach out. If your online, have a phone , email whatever, come here and talk either thread or pm. Even tho we disagree and such for gossip we are here for support I seem to notice.
It's a lot I'm sorry BUT don't hope it goes away and not do anything. May sound cheesy but be strong and brave.
Advice based on personal experience and real life career.
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
That's disgusting. You need to tell your mother immediately. With him living on the same roof, you run the risk of being raped. If your mother doesn't believe you for any reason, go to your biological dad. If he's not in the picture, go to your friends, their parents, your teachers, or any trusted adult. If things come down to it, and you have no alternatives, call the police and tell them. Just tell SOMEONE.
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
[quote Like you described at first it has progressed to over shirt to under. He is testing to see when you tell him to stop.][/quote]
I thought this, too. That's so gross. Shame on him.
I forgot to mention this in my posts, but yesterday (day after he went under my bra) he said something kinda strange. I was wearing a sports bra to be more secure and he noticed. He was like, "Why are you wearing a sports bra? Are you exercising or do you need the support?" (something strange like that). I thought it was weird that he would even ask me. It's not like I was waking around in a sports bra, I was wearing a damn shirt. What's it to him anyway?
I think the reason I've tried to justify his weird behavior is because we have a silly relationship. He calls me names, I call him names. We play pranks on each other. My mom has jokingly said that it's like raising me and my brother all over again, and I agreed. It was all very innocent, until this started happening. My brother has never touched me inappropriately, so I can't say it's a sibling thing (no shit).
Anyway, thank you all so much for taking your time to read and respond to my post. I really appreciate it. It's nice to have somebody to talk about this with. Makes me feel less insane.
I plan on telling my mom...I just have to find the courage. I think I might send her an email. When I was in highs school, I had these 2 friends (they're sisters) who had been sexually abused by their mother's boyfriend. They told me that when they told their mother what happened, she accused them lying and took the boyfriend's side . Thankfully their dad was in the picture and took full custody of them. I remember when I told my mom their story, she was completely disgusted. She said that if a man ever put his hands on her child, she would "kill" them. This was before she met my stepdad though. Hopefully she still feels that same way and isn't blinded by love.
I thought this, too. That's so gross. Shame on him.
I forgot to mention this in my posts, but yesterday (day after he went under my bra) he said something kinda strange. I was wearing a sports bra to be more secure and he noticed. He was like, "Why are you wearing a sports bra? Are you exercising or do you need the support?" (something strange like that). I thought it was weird that he would even ask me. It's not like I was waking around in a sports bra, I was wearing a damn shirt. What's it to him anyway?
I think the reason I've tried to justify his weird behavior is because we have a silly relationship. He calls me names, I call him names. We play pranks on each other. My mom has jokingly said that it's like raising me and my brother all over again, and I agreed. It was all very innocent, until this started happening. My brother has never touched me inappropriately, so I can't say it's a sibling thing (no shit).
Anyway, thank you all so much for taking your time to read and respond to my post. I really appreciate it. It's nice to have somebody to talk about this with. Makes me feel less insane.
I plan on telling my mom...I just have to find the courage. I think I might send her an email. When I was in highs school, I had these 2 friends (they're sisters) who had been sexually abused by their mother's boyfriend. They told me that when they told their mother what happened, she accused them lying and took the boyfriend's side . Thankfully their dad was in the picture and took full custody of them. I remember when I told my mom their story, she was completely disgusted. She said that if a man ever put his hands on her child, she would "kill" them. This was before she met my stepdad though. Hopefully she still feels that same way and isn't blinded by love.
Re: Inappropriate touching?
I'm glad that you're planning on speaking to you mom and I hope all goes well
Anyway, keep us updated if it's not too much trouble. Just want to make sure you're okay and stuff
Anyway, keep us updated if it's not too much trouble. Just want to make sure you're okay and stuff
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
I'm sorry that this has happened. Please tell SOMEBODY, so you can keep track of everything. We are here to talk if you need to.
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
Well, it happened again tonight. Thankfully I was wearing a super tight sports bra so he couldn't put his hand under my bra without making it too obvious that he's being a pervert.
I already typed the email I'm going to send my mom. I'll hit send when he leaves for work in the morning. I don't want them to be together when I tell her cause I don't know how she's gonna react.
I'll definitely keep you guys updated. Thank you all so much again.
I already typed the email I'm going to send my mom. I'll hit send when he leaves for work in the morning. I don't want them to be together when I tell her cause I don't know how she's gonna react.
I'll definitely keep you guys updated. Thank you all so much again.
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
The ladies above have covered all that needs saying, but I'll be thinking of you and I sincerely hope it works out with your mum x
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
Hey guys. So, I sent my mom the email and we've been emailing each other back and forth since. She says that she loves me and the she believes me and that she HAS to say something to him or it will bother her. I told her I'm worried about that because that last time she confronted him about something he did to me (different situation), he denied it and then came into my room when I was half asleep and was like, "Aww, you told your mommy?" in a really condescending voice. Just like a child after they're told on. So I can't imagine what will happen now. Blah.
Pray for me/wish me well? I will keep you all updated.
Pray for me/wish me well? I will keep you all updated.
Re: Inappropriate touching?
I really hope that everything goes well for you. I wish you didn't have to love with him but divorce etc is pretty intense. The thing is that this isn't some typical step-dad screw up, he is assaulting you. Do you have somewhere else you can stay if things get bad?
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
VeronicaSawyer wrote:I really hope that everything goes well for you. I wish you didn't have to love with him but divorce etc is pretty intense. The thing is that this isn't some typical step-dad screw up, he is assaulting you. Do you have somewhere else you can stay if things get bad?
Thank you. I hope so, too.
If things ever got bad I always have my grandparents and my aunt. But I know my mom will not let things get bad. She's said she's going to have a talk with him tonight. Basically she's going to indirectly tell him to lay off the hugs and kisses because I'm not a child anymore. I trust that she knows what she's doing and that he'll stop after that.
- CoralCat
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
Sorry bit of a late comer to this thread but I'm glad things are looking on the brightside. Remember if he carries on doing it and/or threatens you or does anything to you for telling your mom make sure you tell her again! A very similar thing happened to my friend and the stepdad threatened her and said if she told her mom again he'd tell everyone that this rumour that had been going on about her was true so she was too scared to tell her mom again (although she eventually did thanks god) hope tonight went/goes well and he doesn't do anything or come into your room
- Curiosity
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
I'm glad your mom was understanding, but being indirect is not going to work on him. She gave him warnings in the past that he completely disregarded, and he continued to touch you. She needs to be direct and set boundaries, or better yet leave him. You're in a very dangerous situation that can easily escalate into something much worse, and you should get out now and go to your grandparents or aunt if she doesn't leave him. I understand things could be difficult for your mom because she loves him, but you are her daughter and your safety should be her number 1 priority in a situation like this. I'm worried for your safety, he threatened you before and I'm worried he'll try to do something more to you. I honestly do not think he will stop after she talks to him, it might stop for a while but his behavior will continue and might get worse. It's not really a good time to just hope all goes well, it's a very serious matter and you need to stand your ground or get out of there as soon as possible. Keep your room door locked at night, and avoid being alone with him at all costs. I hope everything will get better for you from here on out, please stay safe. :/
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
Gotta chime in here...just wondering how old the original poster is? Are you out of high school now? If so and you can, I would get the hell out of there immediately.
Your stepfather, in no uncertain terms, is a genuinely bad person. Everything that you've described, including the condescending comments, the goofing around, all of that combined with the fact that he's sexually assaulting you...whew. Really, really bad news. I'm very glad you told your mom, but unfortunately, your mother talking to him will not help at all - he is a sexual predator and will always be. You can't ask a guy to tone that down; it's, for lack of a better phrase, a psychological defect.
The advice in this thread has been spot on (the ladies in these forums rock). Please, please stay on your guard at all times and be careful.
Your stepfather, in no uncertain terms, is a genuinely bad person. Everything that you've described, including the condescending comments, the goofing around, all of that combined with the fact that he's sexually assaulting you...whew. Really, really bad news. I'm very glad you told your mom, but unfortunately, your mother talking to him will not help at all - he is a sexual predator and will always be. You can't ask a guy to tone that down; it's, for lack of a better phrase, a psychological defect.
The advice in this thread has been spot on (the ladies in these forums rock). Please, please stay on your guard at all times and be careful.
- Bunnyprincess26
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
Good mention too above..... dONt be with him alone.. Hope you have a cell phone and text keep a friend on standby...even if your sending texts to your self it will look like your communicating with some when he's around so he can be told " yeh I'm texting my friend or they are gonna call because they know I'm home or something ." This indicates that you let someone know but also time and date stamps events. If he owns the house or asking to put a lock on your door may not work out then keep chairs in your room. You can rig up a chair to lean and put something solid at the end to block the door or rig up a noisy sound if your door is opened or you can find pieces of small flat wood and insert them in the door jam by the hinges so it won't open easily..
I'm just thinking worst case scenario if shit hits the fan and your mom isn't direct enough...
Last resort? You can tell him that you have posted about him ... Not given out address or real name but if you indicate Facebook or "public places" and you indicate that you know that that stuff is traceable if something happens to you then do so. No it doesn't mean random people are spying on you through the computer, but it is traceable with ip addresses and such
I'm just thinking worst case scenario if shit hits the fan and your mom isn't direct enough...
Last resort? You can tell him that you have posted about him ... Not given out address or real name but if you indicate Facebook or "public places" and you indicate that you know that that stuff is traceable if something happens to you then do so. No it doesn't mean random people are spying on you through the computer, but it is traceable with ip addresses and such
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
Curiosity: I think you misunderstood my post. Yesterday was the first time my mom confronted him about this particular situation, the last time was about something else.
fauxfox I'm 23, but I can't afford to move out right now, unfortunately. I would if I could.
So, my mom finally spoke to him last night. To make a long story short, she basically told him that I don't feel comfortable with the hugging and kissing, so to please stop because the fact that it makes me uncomfortable makes her very uncomfortable. She also told him not to bring it up to me and to not make her choose between their marriage and me because she'll always choose her children. He apologized and said he'd stop. What's funny to me is that he told her that he used to hug and kiss his kids all the time when they were growing up. That's nice, but I highly doubt he used to put his hand under his daughter's bra. Or maybe he did and that's the real reason none of his kids talk to him anymore .
My mom said he seemed sincere, but she's going to keep her eyes peeled. Like she said, "We'll see". I just don't understand how you accidentally put your hand under somebody's bra. My mom and I were talking about this last night before he came home. If he was just some stupid man who didn't know boundaries, then why didn't he ever do that when my mom was around??? I'm going to give him another chance, but with caution. If he ever touches me like that again or says something inappropriate, I'm done.
fauxfox I'm 23, but I can't afford to move out right now, unfortunately. I would if I could.
So, my mom finally spoke to him last night. To make a long story short, she basically told him that I don't feel comfortable with the hugging and kissing, so to please stop because the fact that it makes me uncomfortable makes her very uncomfortable. She also told him not to bring it up to me and to not make her choose between their marriage and me because she'll always choose her children. He apologized and said he'd stop. What's funny to me is that he told her that he used to hug and kiss his kids all the time when they were growing up. That's nice, but I highly doubt he used to put his hand under his daughter's bra. Or maybe he did and that's the real reason none of his kids talk to him anymore .
My mom said he seemed sincere, but she's going to keep her eyes peeled. Like she said, "We'll see". I just don't understand how you accidentally put your hand under somebody's bra. My mom and I were talking about this last night before he came home. If he was just some stupid man who didn't know boundaries, then why didn't he ever do that when my mom was around??? I'm going to give him another chance, but with caution. If he ever touches me like that again or says something inappropriate, I'm done.
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Re: Inappropriate touching?
Sorry to bump this thread again, but I'm feeling so confused.
My stepdad is acting like nothing happened. He doesn't understand why I've distanced myself from him. It's making me question if maybe he really didn't think he was doing anything wrong. Maybe in his eyes it was innocent? My mom wants to believe it was a mistake because she doesn't get that vibe from him, but that doesn't really mean anything. He could be a perverted genius for all we know .
My stepdad is acting like nothing happened. He doesn't understand why I've distanced myself from him. It's making me question if maybe he really didn't think he was doing anything wrong. Maybe in his eyes it was innocent? My mom wants to believe it was a mistake because she doesn't get that vibe from him, but that doesn't really mean anything. He could be a perverted genius for all we know .