Roommate trouble - My issue or hers?

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Pastel
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Roommate trouble - My issue or hers?

Post by Pastel » Tue Mar 29, 2016 3:19 am

This is going to be long, and it's probably mostly going to be a rant. But I'm really not sure what to do, because I feel so frustrated :(

I've been living with one of my (former?) close friends for around 7 months now. We used to do things around the house together, do groceries together, and generally hang out. Lately we haven't said a word to each other, and we spend all our time in our rooms with the doors closed. It's been around three weeks now.

The thing is, we're studying the exact same thing at uni. Completely identical schedules, which we had no idea about when we first moved in together (that would obviously have been a warning sign). This is super frustrating as it is because I'm literally around her 24 hours a day unless I go out. Which I do as much as possible, because I don't want to be in this situation more than necessary.

My main issue is that I care a lot about my education, and I'm trying really hard to get everything done as well as possible. Our courses come with a very heavy workload, and once in a while I'll basically have a meltdown because there's so much work. My roommate? Not so much. She never does anything. Like, barely even the minimum required to pass the exams. Since we do have completely identical schedules, I know exactly how much work she's not doing, and it really frustrates me that she seemingly cares so little. She'll just sit at her computer playing games and watching YouTube videos from the moment she gets up until like 3-5am, every day. Yesterday, a friend asked us to help him our with a project, and she said she had no time because she was doing school work, which would be fair... but then she spent the entire day playing games. We could hear the music from the other room the whole time while we worked.

Back when we were still talking, I'd usually try to talk to her about our coursework on our way to class but she literally has no idea what topics we were even supposed to cover that week. She just shows up to class and sits there playing more games or browsing tumblr for the entire time. Before our Easter break, I even had to wake her up twice in one week, because our classes had been moved around a bit and she hadn't even bothered to check when the new times were. The third time it happened that same week(!), I just left because I was too angry. I feel like she's expecting me to push her through everything, because I obviously feel bad about just leaving and I think she's exploiting that.

The bottom line is that I find it really hard to be around someone who cares so little about something that I'm putting all my strength into and who never does anything in general. On the other hand, I also feel like it's not something I have the right to be upset about. Obviously it's up to her own work ethic and it's really none of my business, but I just have so much pent-up frustration that even hearing her voice just pisses me off right now.

It's gotten to a point where our friendship means nothing to me, because I just don't feel good when I'm around her. I don't know if I should confront her about this at all, because it's really none of my business and it's probably more of an issue with me anyway... I don't know.

Anyway, that was a long ramble and I don't know if it makes any kind of sense. I'm just not sure how to deal with this. :?
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Re: Roommate trouble - My issue or hers?

Post by YoLo » Tue Mar 29, 2016 8:11 am

Pastel Rage wrote:This is going to be long, and it's probably mostly going to be a rant. But I'm really not sure what to do, because I feel so frustrated :(

I've been living with one of my (former?) close friends for around 7 months now. We used to do things around the house together, do groceries together, and generally hang out. Lately we haven't said a word to each other, and we spend all our time in our rooms with the doors closed. It's been around three weeks now.

The thing is, we're studying the exact same thing at uni. Completely identical schedules, which we had no idea about when we first moved in together (that would obviously have been a warning sign). This is super frustrating as it is because I'm literally around her 24 hours a day unless I go out. Which I do as much as possible, because I don't want to be in this situation more than necessary.

My main issue is that I care a lot about my education, and I'm trying really hard to get everything done as well as possible. Our courses come with a very heavy workload, and once in a while I'll basically have a meltdown because there's so much work. My roommate? Not so much. She never does anything. Like, barely even the minimum required to pass the exams. Since we do have completely identical schedules, I know exactly how much work she's not doing, and it really frustrates me that she seemingly cares so little. She'll just sit at her computer playing games and watching YouTube videos from the moment she gets up until like 3-5am, every day. Yesterday, a friend asked us to help him our with a project, and she said she had no time because she was doing school work, which would be fair... but then she spent the entire day playing games. We could hear the music from the other room the whole time while we worked.

Back when we were still talking, I'd usually try to talk to her about our coursework on our way to class but she literally has no idea what topics we were even supposed to cover that week. She just shows up to class and sits there playing more games or browsing tumblr for the entire time. Before our Easter break, I even had to wake her up twice in one week, because our classes had been moved around a bit and she hadn't even bothered to check when the new times were. The third time it happened that same week(!), I just left because I was too angry. I feel like she's expecting me to push her through everything, because I obviously feel bad about just leaving and I think she's exploiting that.

The bottom line is that I find it really hard to be around someone who cares so little about something that I'm putting all my strength into and who never does anything in general. On the other hand, I also feel like it's not something I have the right to be upset about. Obviously it's up to her own work ethic and it's really none of my business, but I just have so much pent-up frustration that even hearing her voice just pisses me off right now.

It's gotten to a point where our friendship means nothing to me, because I just don't feel good when I'm around her. I don't know if I should confront her about this at all, because it's really none of my business and it's probably more of an issue with me anyway... I don't know.

Anyway, that was a long ramble and I don't know if it makes any kind of sense. I'm just not sure how to deal with this. :?
One thing I have learned as I get older when dealing with family and friends is that I can't have my expectations of myself be the expectations I have of others because they will always fall short especially if it something I really care about (like school for you). That being said I think with friends and family we have to care about them for who they are not what we want them to be or do.

I don't know if your friend has always had this type of attitude towards school, but maybe she is going through a rough time either with school or her personal life and has given up. Some people have a really hard time with college because it is very me orientated meaning that there is no one to hold your hand and the teachers don't care if you fail, so it is up to the individual to do well.

I would ask your roommate if she is doing ok and if she needs any help with anything. She may see how well you are doing in school and how much time you spend and think that she can't be like that so she isn't going to try. It is hard to be around people that are very smart and goal orientated if you are lost yourself.

If you really want to stay friends with her I would go to dinner and really talk to her and see where her head is and if you can't get anything out of her I would consider leaving after the semester is over, but don't tell her that she is the reason you are leaving that's unnecessary.

I don't know if this made any sense, but that is my two cents.

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Re: Roommate trouble - My issue or hers?

Post by sgirl1 » Wed Mar 30, 2016 4:28 am

I agree with YoLo, you can't hold your friends or family members to the same standard you hold yourself to. It isn't fair and you'd end up being disappointed.

How your friend feels or acts about school shouldn't bother you this much. How well (or badly) she does at school doesn't affect you nor your relationship with her.

You're a good friend, and you want her to do well. But there's only so much you can do for her.

If you decide that the friendship is worth keeping (if she has been a good friend even though she's not a good student), you could try to save the friendship.

If she's been a shitty friend all this time, then cut your losses!


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Re: Roommate trouble - My issue or hers?

Post by f50 » Sun Apr 03, 2016 12:23 pm

:-?

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Roommate trouble My issue or hers

Post by BarryWaree » Thu Jul 11, 2019 7:28 am

As a working relationship, I am thinking, they can atleast be on talking terms, atleast be able to be under the same roof for a few days without it being awkward for everyone. I dont expect them to turn into best of friends, but I want us to be able to meet as a family on occasion.

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