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Is this the end?

Is this the end?

Postby JennyInTokyo » Mon Feb 05, 2018 1:12 pm

Been in a relationship for 7 years. Last year I found out he'd cheated with a mutual friend. Before all this happened I was involved with a lot in his life, I used to go to family things with him and hung out with him and his friends including this girl.

I know I shouldn't have took him back but I did because I've been with him so long and he said he wanted to make it work again. However, since we did get back together last November things haven't felt the same. I've been putting more effort into the relationship like having more dates together and getting involved with family and friends things together but whenever I bring it up he always acts funny or cold? And I have asked him why things are like this and he always gives me mixed signals. I get quite upset about it and I tell him how it makes me feel and he always says he feels guilty and this whole thing is making him depressed. At this point I feel like I can't talk to him any further because I don't want to make things bad for him.

We do go on dates but he doesn't involve me with his life and it makes me feel like are we really together? I want to help him be happy but then I feel like the relationship is all my effort. I want our relationship to be good like it was before. I want him to be excited like I am being with him but I don't get that from him. I feel like I'm making him stay when he doesn't want to but when I ask him if he wants to be with me he says yes.

He lives with family members atm but because of how depressed he's been he's told me his family said he cant have visitors because his depression is that bad. Which I don't deny he's feeling depressed but I just dont think that's good for him and it puts more strain on me trying to make things work between us. I feel like it's just another thing that's pushing us apart.

Time and time again I try to have a conversation and I feel like there's no resolution and I feel more confused than ever. Last time we chatted he said he wanted to take things slow because that's what I apparently wanted. It confuses me even more. I just wish he would tell me whether he actually wants a relationship or not. I'm trying my hardest to help him with his issues but I feel like I'm hitting my head on a wall.

How do I speak to him and get the answers I need?
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Re: Is this the end?

Postby sunnygossip » Mon Feb 05, 2018 1:45 pm

I've been in an extremely similar situation.
I'm really sorry you're going through this.

my story:
After my ex cheated on me we also stayed together, but it never was the same. I felt like he really pulled back. I was constantly giving more and more of myself to compensate for his lack of presence in our relationship. I would be constantly be in "fix it" mode. He would say nothing was wrong or it was just x,y, and z and nothing was wrong and he still wanted to be together, just needed a little time to step back.
Eventually, I felt like I was a crazy person always putting in 110% for this person and he could barely give me the time of day.


I know it's really hard, but sometimes the best is to let this person go. It seems like he's holding on because of obligation or just being comfortable.
You'll need to give yourself some time to heal and learn how to be on your own again after being with someone for so long. It sucks. I'm not going to lie, it really does, but you'll pull through it. Don't keep giving yourself to someone who isn't doing the same for you.
I think since you asked this question in the back of your mind and you know all of this.

You may want to try to be friends in time, but I learned the hard way I couldn't jump out of a relationship and then jump right into being friends so I would just keep that in mind.

You'll get through this, good luck ♥
(sorry for rambling a bit.)
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Re: Is this the end?

Postby JennyInTokyo » Mon Feb 05, 2018 7:42 pm

sunnygossip wrote:I've been in an extremely similar situation.
I'm really sorry you're going through this.

my story:
After my ex cheated on me we also stayed together, but it never was the same. I felt like he really pulled back. I was constantly giving more and more of myself to compensate for his lack of presence in our relationship. I would be constantly be in "fix it" mode. He would say nothing was wrong or it was just x,y, and z and nothing was wrong and he still wanted to be together, just needed a little time to step back.
Eventually, I felt like I was a crazy person always putting in 110% for this person and he could barely give me the time of day.


I know it's really hard, but sometimes the best is to let this person go. It seems like he's holding on because of obligation or just being comfortable.
You'll need to give yourself some time to heal and learn how to be on your own again after being with someone for so long. It sucks. I'm not going to lie, it really does, but you'll pull through it. Don't keep giving yourself to someone who isn't doing the same for you.
I think since you asked this question in the back of your mind and you know all of this.

You may want to try to be friends in time, but I learned the hard way I couldn't jump out of a relationship and then jump right into being friends so I would just keep that in mind.

You'll get through this, good luck ♥
(sorry for rambling a bit.)


Thanks for the advice!

I called him and kind of gave him an ultimatum to let him know. I said I know how depressed he's been cause he has been really depressed but I did tell him I didn't know what to do. I said I feel like I'm being punished for helping you especially since your family said I should stay away but you tell me you want to make it work. I did break down because I really didn't want to end it but I can't keep putting myself through the pain of trying to find an answer he won't get. He said he's sick of hurting me and wants to get better and he does love me. I think he does love me but he's not in love. His depression is really bad and he said he's detached from a lot of people and its not just me but I had to explain and remind him that his family have told me to stay away yet youre always out hanging out with friends so it's hurting me and feels like a kick in the teeth trying to help you when you push me away. I just cant help someone when I'm failing to help myself.

Im giving him time to get better but I doubt we'll get back together I can tell he doesn't want it.
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Re: Is this the end?

Postby sunnygossip » Tue Feb 06, 2018 8:54 pm

JennyInTokyo wrote:
Thanks for the advice!

I called him and kind of gave him an ultimatum to let him know. I said I know how depressed he's been cause he has been really depressed but I did tell him I didn't know what to do. I said I feel like I'm being punished for helping you especially since your family said I should stay away but you tell me you want to make it work. I did break down because I really didn't want to end it but I can't keep putting myself through the pain of trying to find an answer he won't get. He said he's sick of hurting me and wants to get better and he does love me. I think he does love me but he's not in love. His depression is really bad and he said he's detached from a lot of people and its not just me but I had to explain and remind him that his family have told me to stay away yet youre always out hanging out with friends so it's hurting me and feels like a kick in the teeth trying to help you when you push me away. I just cant help someone when I'm failing to help myself.

Im giving him time to get better but I doubt we'll get back together I can tell he doesn't want it.


I'm so sorry :( I can tell you have really invested your heart and soul into him, but you should be proud for putting yourself first this time. It sucks being with someone for so long and then loving them, but falling out of that romantic kind of love.

You should be at peace knowing you really tried to help and love him even when he pushed him away. It isn't easy! At the end of the day, with his depression, he is the only one who can help himself. You did what you could, I hope you don't blame yourself for anything.

nothing but love for you ♥
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Re: Is this the end?

Postby JennyInTokyo » Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:10 pm

sunnygossip wrote:
JennyInTokyo wrote:
Thanks for the advice!

I called him and kind of gave him an ultimatum to let him know. I said I know how depressed he's been cause he has been really depressed but I did tell him I didn't know what to do. I said I feel like I'm being punished for helping you especially since your family said I should stay away but you tell me you want to make it work. I did break down because I really didn't want to end it but I can't keep putting myself through the pain of trying to find an answer he won't get. He said he's sick of hurting me and wants to get better and he does love me. I think he does love me but he's not in love. His depression is really bad and he said he's detached from a lot of people and its not just me but I had to explain and remind him that his family have told me to stay away yet youre always out hanging out with friends so it's hurting me and feels like a kick in the teeth trying to help you when you push me away. I just cant help someone when I'm failing to help myself.

Im giving him time to get better but I doubt we'll get back together I can tell he doesn't want it.


I'm so sorry :( I can tell you have really invested your heart and soul into him, but you should be proud for putting yourself first this time. It sucks being with someone for so long and then loving them, but falling out of that romantic kind of love.

You should be at peace knowing you really tried to help and love him even when he pushed him away. It isn't easy! At the end of the day, with his depression, he is the only one who can help himself. You did what you could, I hope you don't blame yourself for anything.

nothing but love for you ♥


I ended it with him last week as I'd heard he'd been seeing this new girl for 3 months behind my back and the reason he kept me distant was because he'd introduced this new girl as his girlfriend to his friends and family and they all thought we were just friends for my sake. So I ended it with him. I'm still civil with him but he keeps giving me messages or acting towards me slightly like I'm still his girlfriend :/ I don't know whether it's out of habit or he's trying to get me on side again but it's not working.

Seems like it's a little too soon but I've started chatting to someone new and he's a really sweet guy and we have a lot in common. I do want to meet up with him next week as he lives in the same town, and it's so awesome to speak to someone who has a lot in common with me. Would it be too soon after this break up? Tbh I haven't cried over the breakup because I guess I knew deep down what he was doing? There is a part of me that is a little nervous that it might be too soon?
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Re: Is this the end?

Postby Samara123 » Wed Nov 21, 2018 10:33 am

Hi here! I am new. I want to communicate here
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