my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

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Starshine1001
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my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by Starshine1001 » Sun Dec 04, 2016 7:44 pm

Hi!
This is going to be a fairly long, personal post, and I apologize. I just need opinions on the matter, and basically to rant, and as a longtime lurker, I figured why not make an account and try it out.

I guess I will start off by saying that as a rule, I do not date. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just for some reason the prospect of getting close to a guy scared me deeply. I 'dated' a bit two years ago when I was seventeen and those relationships crumbled rather quickly so I gave up until recently. I only realized now why my other relationships didn't work out, and it was because I was looking for familiar qualities that my abusers had growing up in the guys I chose to date. I didn't realize that I was so badly abused until I moved out and went on my own. I found myself wanting to please my mother and still being scared of her because she's been physically and emotionally abusive towards me my entire life. This takes a toll on my life and how I live it obviously, as it does with the guys I date because I'm often scared to be close. To touch them or have them hold me or hug me. It's not because I don't want it, I do, I just have never been touched respectfully so to speak, so safety in a relationship, as well as boundaries are a major concern for me.

I met a guy a few months ago and he seemed wonderful. He spoke to me respectfully and always told me he thought I was beautiful and wonderful, which I loved. We quickly became close and he told me that even though he may be moving to the other side of Canada "distance didn't matter, we're going to do anything to try." Which made me very happy because he was seemingly serious about me. Everything seemed fine at first, and it was. But I found as things progressed, I got scared. I knew my mental state and triggers were coming back full force and i was becoming stressed in every aspect of my life, and my mother wasn't helping. I didn't want him to think any of it was on him. He would be upset thinking I didn't trust him because I didn't want to cuddle when really it was just my PTSD kicking in because as I said I have a hard time getting close even if I want him....I felt safe enough about two months in to detail the abuse I faced in regards to my mother and how it wasn't always on him. I told him every detail and how I respected and felt safe with him, and I want to be touched and cuddled and loved but it may take some time, but I appreciated him and his patience

I felt safe enough with him to tell him this for various reasons. One, because he always said he wanted to be with me, so in my mind if he did he had every right to know about this part of me so it didn't affect things later. Also, about a week or so in he told me he was sexually abused as a child, which he never told anyone in his life, so it made me feel as if we had a mutual trust. Also, because his parents weren't the best with him either, so he could relate to me being upset. After I told him everything he completely ignored me... he would see my messages and I admit there was a lot, I was struggling and he wouldn't answer. Even before I told him all of this he would ignore me as well, avoiding the topic of his move and pretending like it wasn't happening because he didn't know how or want to tell me about it because I was going through a "shit ton" and he "didn't want to add more stress." Finally, I asked him why he was ignoring me after I told him something so personal and he said he was "overwhelmed as hell..." which I understand, and I wasn't angry. He then said that he "is moving in about a month and can't get serious anymore so that's why I don't try and talk to you." and that my "huge messages every day are overwhelming and he can't handle them in BC." Which again, I understood, and I told him I was sorry, and I was getting mental health treatment so it won't happen, I just felt as if he took me serious like he said he did and he deserved to know all this, and I wouldn't have told him any of it if he wanted to be casual.

He then got angry at me for some reason and said he believed that I thought he was ending up because he wanted to "go have sex with girls in BC." and that was "fucked up, but he deserved it." when I said nothing in relation to sex. I then told him nicely that I felt as if he should have told me he was leaving earlier so I wouldn't have been led to believe we were gonna be an item and in turn wouldn't have opened up so deeply. He didn't say anything. So I then detailed my disorder and triggers and told him I wasn't angry he was leaving, but he should have told me, and that it hurt when he ignores me when he knows I am struggling and even saying "I dont know what to say," is better than not saying a word, and I didn't do that to him when he opened up to me.

He hasn't answered at all and I haven't said anything more, and its been a few days now... I feel as if maybe I opened up to the wrong person, but in my defense he seriously made it seem like we were going to date and his move didn't matter at all.... Even before I told him about the abuse I faced and how it took a toll on my relationships he was ignoring me for the most part because he didn't want to tell me about him moving and he wanted to avoid it. Then, I got upset, and told him everything, and again, I was ignored. I dont think I did anything wrong.... I was led to believe we were going to date and I didn't want him to think I didn't love him when sometimes things are hard for me. Now, I just don't know what to do in terms of him and I. But if anything, I've learned that my mental health is more important than expectations, and I'm getting mental help for the first time ever, so I'm pretty happy.

Can someone please give me input? Or tell me if I did anything wrong? Or what to do?

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by Chikinpao » Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:42 pm

You did nothing wrong at all, he's probably just not ready for such a relationship. I've known a boy who acts exactly like him... says sweet nothings all the time, but ended up being afraid of commitment and running away lol. It's time to move on and focus on yourself :tu:

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by YouslessTube » Mon Dec 05, 2016 4:55 pm

I've had horrible relationships in the past, I was emotionally abused by my first bf which mentally scarred me so bad that i was always afraid of entering the dating scene & whenever i did it was always a fuckboy. the thing is, when i got into a relationship with my first bf i did not know the games guys played or how to avoid getting used so i stopped dating entirely but now, after interacting with guys, reading books & articles on love & heartbreak from great authors i've learnt so much, like, now i see red flags from a mile away :lol:

anyway, sometimes the simplest things seem confusing & vice versa. see from my perspective i believe this guy just wanted a pass time gf to hook up with up until he moved to another place but he was getting nothing from you (no sex/cuddling etc) which is when he decided to start ignoring you. also, the "I'm not gonna have sex in BC" was just his guilty conscience talking. he didn't want anything to do with your past or present, he just wanted to be relatable by saying he was abused too so that you would think "omg he would understand me & my pain" which would lead you to maybe have sex or atleast make out etc. fuckboys are pro at playing on a girls emotions. you didn't do anything wrong. if he cared enough he would reply. it literally takes 20 seconds to type a message & send it. heck i even reply to messages whilst cooking dinner. just move on. easier said than done but it's for the best.

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by Starshine1001 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 5:59 pm

Thank you both for replying :)
I hate to say it, but this happens a lot when I try to date guys so as bad as it sounds, it doesn't hurt anymore. I always try to understand someone after they've hurt me instead of dwelling on it, but I guess some people don't deserve to be understood...
Also, the thing that threw me off is the fact that he knew I didn't want to have sex. I told him straight up, and he was seemingly alright with it. He told me he too, was abused months before I even mentioned anything too, so i just figured what I told him might have stressed him out because he hasn't dealt with his own issues let alone mine...And maybe it made him feel bad because he knew I was serious and he couldn't be because he was moving, and he told me he didnt think there was 'anyway for us to work.' But you can't lead someone on saying you want to date and then not accept who they truly are kinda thing so I guess its his loss haha.
I just feel weird about it all too because I'm not heartbroken or sad. I just dont want it to end like this. I wish he would respect me enough to explain where he's coming from instead of getting mad and jumping to conclusions.

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by bloomingpeony » Tue Dec 06, 2016 7:21 am

there's a lot of users out there willing to disregard your feelings just for some fun. they think it's a challenge to get with you when you say you don't want sex. like the others have said above. this guy sounds uncaring by ignoring you when you were struggling, and he did you a favour instead of stringing you along further even though it wasn't right. don't think your illness scared him off! he's just a player

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by Starshine1001 » Tue Dec 06, 2016 2:46 pm

I feel like I should have realised this sooner, but there was really no way to know, and I like to give people a chance. I'm the kind of person who always wants to work it out with someone no matter what, so even though I shouldn't, I want to message him and make sure there aren't any hard feelings before he moves, but at the same time I didn't do anything wrong, so it isn't my place.
WHY AM I LIKE THIS AHHHHHHH.
haha.

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by Starshine1001 » Tue Dec 13, 2016 11:07 pm

Update:
He's a fuckboy...
Even after everything lmao.
I wokeup, and saw he posted a photo of him kissing a girl in BC... even though he said he wasn't going there for sex and blamed me completely... and stupid me didn't get it at time so I told him alot of stuff in hopes he'd better understand both myself, and my illness. But nothing.
So, I left it at that... then I got drunk for the first time, and decided "hey, we had a basis of a decent friendship, we trusted eachother." and asked if he still wanted to be friends and that it would be lame not to be. Nothing again...
A few days later he liked one of my facebook statuses, and then I saw the picture of him with the other girl. I dont get it though, like I'm not complelty heartbroken or anything, but even when things were great I told him "If you meet someone else, tell me, I won't get mad." and he didnt. I feel like some sidechick or lie, or a chairity case because I was so depressed and relied on him and I feel so pathetic for that.... for opening up to someone who swore they'd be there, who knew all about my hurt, and said he wouldn't be like that and led me on for months....

Should I say anything? Or just delete and leave it be? Im not one to start trouble at all, but this isn't right.

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by Starshine1001 » Tue Dec 13, 2016 11:09 pm

Update:
He's a fuckboy...
Even after everything lmao.
I wokeup, and saw he posted a photo of him kissing a girl in BC... even though he said he wasn't going there for sex and blamed me completely... and stupid me didn't get it at time so I told him alot of stuff in hopes he'd better understand both myself, and my illness. But nothing.
So, I left it at that... then I got drunk for the first time, and decided "hey, we had a basis of a decent friendship, we trusted eachother." and asked if he still wanted to be friends and that it would be lame not to be. Nothing again...
A few days later he liked one of my facebook statuses, and then I saw the picture of him with the other girl. I dont get it though, like I'm not complelty heartbroken or anything, but even when things were great I told him "If you meet someone else, tell me, I won't get mad." and he didnt. I feel like some sidechick or lie, or a chairity case because I was so depressed and relied on him and I feel so pathetic for that.... for opening up to someone who swore they'd be there, who knew all about my hurt, and said he wouldn't be like that and led me on for months....

Should I say anything? Or just delete and leave it be? Im not one to start trouble at all, but this isn't right.

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by YouslessTube » Wed Dec 14, 2016 4:12 am

Starshine1001 wrote:Update:
He's a fuckboy...
Even after everything lmao.
I wokeup, and saw he posted a photo of him kissing a girl in BC... even though he said he wasn't going there for sex and blamed me completely... and stupid me didn't get it at time so I told him alot of stuff in hopes he'd better understand both myself, and my illness. But nothing.
So, I left it at that... then I got drunk for the first time, and decided "hey, we had a basis of a decent friendship, we trusted eachother." and asked if he still wanted to be friends and that it would be lame not to be. Nothing again...
A few days later he liked one of my facebook statuses, and then I saw the picture of him with the other girl. I dont get it though, like I'm not complelty heartbroken or anything, but even when things were great I told him "If you meet someone else, tell me, I won't get mad." and he didnt. I feel like some sidechick or lie, or a chairity case because I was so depressed and relied on him and I feel so pathetic for that.... for opening up to someone who swore they'd be there, who knew all about my hurt, and said he wouldn't be like that and led me on for months....

Should I say anything? Or just delete and leave it be? Im not one to start trouble at all, but this isn't right.
haha i told ya so!
fuckboys are literally everywhere!

there was a guy who i was dating but broke up with & later realized my mistake & tried getting back together but by then he had moved on to an ugly ass slut. anyway, he told me he couldnt talk/meet me at all. i deleted him from everywhere. then after a year or two he messaged me on my bday being all sweet & wishing me saying he still remembers :roll: thennn he liked my instagram photos, i thought wow maybe he wants to get back & likes me but no no no no i was so wrong, that asshole just wanted me to check out his intagram profile so i could see & get jealous of how much fun he & his new gf were having :roll:

THIS GUY IS DOING THE SAME.

Texting/replying takes no more than 20 secs. So he has all the time in the world to be active on social media, he's just purposely putting up kissing photos to make you jealous, to make you feel you're missing out & that you didnt hook up when you had the opportunity. he liked your status because he knows liking your status will lead you to think bout him & social media stalk him a.k.a check out his photos with the new girl which would make you jealous & ruin your day, now that he's away and far trust me just forget about him, if you don't want to delete him just hide his updates from your facebook & unfollow him from all social media. trust me with this, i've been through it! once a fuckboy always a fuckboy.

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by Starshine1001 » Wed Dec 14, 2016 4:27 am

I hope he gets crotch rot haha.
also, since I got personal and he was a fuck boy anyways, does this mean I should be more careful with who I trust or just not tell guys about my issues ever again lol

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Re: my mental illness may have scared a guy away?

Post by YouslessTube » Wed Dec 14, 2016 12:14 pm

Starshine1001 wrote:I hope he gets crotch rot haha.
also, since I got personal and he was a fuck boy anyways, does this mean I should be more careful with who I trust or just not tell guys about my issues ever again lol
Go with your gut feeling and be free to share your issues with who ever you want because the right guy will come along. Read a few articles on the red flags to watch out for! For me personally blogs & articles have helped to filter out fuckboys to an extent. :tu:

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