Essena O'Neill

[july111]

BeccaRain please do post them! Thank you in advance

[Chloe_Bean]

She constantly has to remind people that other people think she's so cool, and recognize her wherever she goes, and just love her lol. She's such a sad person.

[bieberbieber]

Can't believe how shallow and vain this girl is. Wish she'd get over herself already.

[BeccaRain]

Alright, here's my go at posting all of Essena's newsletters that I have. Like I said before, I subscribed to her newsletters on November 2nd, 2015, and have received 6 newsletters from her between then and now, including the most recent manifesto.

Most of the newsletters came with links to different videos (both by herself and others) or blog posts or things she's been into and the likes. I won't post those as most of them ended up on her website at one point and will only take up space. Anything in bold in the newsletters will be my own added notes. So:

November 10th, 2015:

So hello.

Wow, what a week.

I mean there is so much I want to say, but then, I don't want to say anything in search of approval or praise. I lived my life like that for years... just wanting to please everyone. As beautiful and human it is to want to be wanted... I think letting yourself believe who you are, right now, isn't enough ... well that is what made me miserable. I was constantly viewing myself through other's filters, reading everyone else's opinions of me, observing everyone else's edited highlights and comparing them to my own... I somehow forgot my own real life. You know the one thing I really forgot though? I forgot it was cool to be different. I thought I had to do what everyone else was doing, to be enough. How boring, I know.

This email subscription is a weekly love letter from me to you. You the individual. You're not my follower and you're certainly not mine. This letter links weekly highlights from my site, yes, but I also want it to be more personal. This is for you - the individual to read privately. Should we call this a secret email? I kinda like the sound of that. I don't want this to make perfect sense. So please, don't force your mind to understand. Read this alone, in a quiet place. Silence is so nice.

I'm not sure what I'll write each week. But that's what I like about this. I just want to write, film and create without this learnt behaviour of mine to 'please.' I'm so over it. It's overdone and draining. I'm over this celebrity culture that I believe social media has become. I don't care about perfected images anymore. I don't want to spend hours viewing everyone else's highlights. I don't want pretty smiles and happy masks. I can't be the only one bored right? Sometimes I feel like I'm looking into a snow globe. I see myself in there being tossed around by everyone else, my body pulled and tugged, teased and praised. It's so tiring after a while. Contrived perfection stabs at anyone who admits it's not real. I wrote a poem just now about this. It's weird and I like the way the words make me feel. Click here.

So moving on to more practical words. Here is what's new on the site:
(what came next was just links)

Personal things I love:

• MUSIC: Dancing In The Dark - Bruce Springsteen. (If you're a friends fan - baby Monica in the vide clip is too cute). But man, this song. Over a month ago I just felt it. I was bored, restless... I wanted more from myself, my life and what I was wasting my time doing. It felt like I needed to wake up.'You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart.'

• FILM: Brother Bear. Yep no joke my little sister and I watched this the other night, far out I love it. Cried and all.

• QUOTE: “Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.” Eckhart Tolle - New Earth.

Projects I'm working on. This is what's coming:

• 7 Day Guide - Basically everything I've done the last month, I'm writing it to myself with just basic daily reminders of balance and ridding yourself of unnecessary distractions. It's going to be awesome hehe.

• Ultimate Vegan Comebacks - knowledge is about to be dropped.

• First Book 'How To be Social Media Famous' - Everything from how I started to how I got 'famous'. This is going to be also extremely awesome. I would have killed to read something like this before I knew everything that was involved in this 'insta-famous' life. Okay maybe not killed as in actually kill someone else to learn about all the insights, but hey I would have came close.

• The coolest eco T-shirts that I want to wear. Cool creatives submit (and of course get paid) from designing fucking awesome T-shirts for us all to WEAR AND SPREAD THE CHANGE WE WANT. I just swore in my email... is that allowed? I think of my mum reading this or someone very young. But okay please know I didn't mean the harsh swear word 'fucking'. I meant, HOLY OH MY VEGAN CUPCAKES these will be fucking good t-shirt designs! You know? There's a big difference. Anyway, stuff like 'we are a brainwashed generation' with a groovy TV dude, or 'I like talking in real life, talk to me.' Or, 'LET'S BE GAME CHANGERS', 'Plot twist: put down your phone and think about your real #goals.' 'SCREENS AREN’T REAL LIFE' 'THE NERDS ARE WINNING' 'PLEASE DON’T EAT MY FRIENDS' 'SOCIAL APPROVAL IS SO LAME' - basically anything cool like that with REALLY out there illustrations! If you have any ideas or are talented at scribbling or anything creative, drop me an email through the contact page and LET'S CREATE MEANINGFUL ART FOR US ALL TO WEAR.

^^ A lot of caps in that last dot point, I know, but I AM JUST SO PUMPED FOR IT. Is it selfish that I seriously just want to make them just so I can wear them and excessively hug anyone I see in real life wearing them too? Like imagine seeing someone else wearing these t-shirts... you'd just click haha. But without figuring out the exact details they will most likely have a fixed cost that covers all the costs in making, a $5 automatic donation of choice to 3 different charities I believe are revolutionary, and then a tip jar for people that want some love to go the people behind the scenes making it possible. I think that's a cool way of 'conscious capitalism'. Of course they will be printed in either US or AUS (looks like it'll be cheaper shipping if made in US), organic, sustainable and ethical. PLUS as someone super cool suggested to me, we would make the designs free for anyone to download and print onto an existing shirt of their own - saves costs and helps to recycle where possible.

This email was all sorts of information. But hey, now I think you're updated somewhat. I'll be making new videos Mon-Friday, so 5 a week. Some will be casual sit downs over topics I think are important, some vegan food inspo, some vegan topics, a lot of behind the image voice overs, book reviews, basically videos about breaking free of social expectations and social approval - consumerism, fear, celebrity culture - far out it's so lame.

Love
Essena x

P.S. We live in a world that glorifies artificial beauty based on social standards. It's dumb. I wished I could get there, but when I did I realised, 'oh hey there's so much more to us then hot bikini pictures and posed smiles'. Shocking, I know. So I want to make one thing really really clear to you. You are beautiful. Not in the way you do your hair, how small your jean size is or how many people press like on a photo... you've got talents, opinions and a world inside of you. You want to create change, innovation and spread love here on earth. That's beauty. That's real. All this other crap... don't pay attention to it. I say delete social comparing apps, log out, you don't need perfect photos, you don't need to look at photoshop or glossy people covered in goop. It's not real. You're real. Your talents and ideas are unique. I cant' tell you who you are, you're going to have to find that spark for yourself. I only started to feel mine when I stopped drowning myself in all these artificial ideas of happiness; fame, praise, approval, pretty clothes, pretty words, pretty things - they are nothing but distractions.

Task for tomorrow: Live a day being your dream person. Who is the coolest, most revolutionary person you know? I'm serious think about it. Think about how they see life? How they view themselves? Do they care about their perfect online lives? Do they care about how many people tell them their pretty? Highly doubt it. They care about substance, because that's what every game changer thinks about. Substance. Words of substance, actions of substance, lives of substance. Action, feeling, defying norms. But hey, they also don't take this life game too seriously. All the revolutionary people I look up to have a sense of chilled out humility, they want to enjoy this experience. They let themselves have fun, they sing, they laugh, they love and they break free. Think of yourself as revolutionary. You are. Everyone has a spark. I can't feel it for you. You have to feel you. That's the beauty of this game.

November 20th, 2015:

Hello there,

So today is Friday and it's my little sister's birthday. I want to make Friday the day I write this weekly love letter, maybe it'll give my life some consistency. I wrote the below all in one go. Tangled and messy it may seem to some, but hey, maybe the raw and unedited feel will appeal to a few. I like reading writing that is from a place inner feeling. When I write without much thought, only then I can make some sense, to myself. Not perfected polished sense. A sense of feeling.

This week (or the 10 or so days since the last letter) have again been a bit hectic. There's a billion and one ideas, things, hopes, thoughts, wishes, plans buzzing around in my head and well... I guess this week, especially the last few days I've felt a little (okay a lot) more grounded. I have plans and real projects I'm excited for. But it's deeper than that. I actually am starting to feel better. Grounded and softer.

I've made a set of rituals for myself to follow (able to download here) and I can't help but think... how did I not do this before??? Short meditation upon waking, no music exercise, quality time in nature, slow breathing, set rest times ... this guide/set of rough rituals I made for myself is basically 'how to live for dummies'.

It's weird, if someone would have said to me even 3 months ago 'you need to meditate every day, set aside time to just read for pleasure, stop watching so many TV shows and movies and yeah get off social media' ... I would have seriously rolled my eyes and continued my life of observing and absorbing utter crap. All that stuff, endless browsing, over sexualised music, people, shows, pictures... ideas of luxury, artificial beauty, materialism... gosh it is JUST SO DISTRACTING. It's stopping us from being who we want to be. It's trapping us in pretty shinny cages of social approval, dollar signs and fear... what's outside of the cage? How do I break through? Is it safe outside?

Right now for me, I'm in a very strange place. It's new and exciting. It's quite vibrant and has this whole warm 'endless possibilities' vibe. I mean, I love it. But it's definitely new. And overwhelming. Even with buzzing thoughts and a never sleeping mind... It's becoming quieter. The noise from the snow globe is becoming more and more distant.

Right now I'm sitting in a public library. The internet is fast and free here, there's this strange buzzing sound towards the left corner and the lady next to me keeps shouting into her phone.

I rather like working at the public library though. The aircon is quite nice (it's scorching here in Australia). I like being alone and yet surrounded by so many strangers. There's something fun about it. Okay maybe fun isn't the right word... I just like observing other people, seeing how we contrast...how we intertwine.

What's making her so harsh? She looks like a stone... Why does she growl at her key board like so? Bark into her phone? Her eyes just seem to pierce into the screen... even blinking appears to be a mechanical struggle.

I enjoy watching the lady beside me. I like to picture her in a different state. A state of joy, bliss, softness. It's weird I know.

She is a being. I imagine her loving...someone, something, an idea... I don't know why I'm sharing this, but hey, I guess this makes this a love letter after all. I love to watch how we interact as a species. I guess being off social media and starting to question everything about my life (consumerism, materialism, mass media bias, propaganda, integrity in all actions) it makes watching other human interactions even more perplexing.

I think someone somewhere once said 'you see the world as you are'. I rather like that. I see so much of myself in the woman beside me.

Okay so what's new on the site:
(and of course, some links followed)

Things I am loving this week:

• MUSIC: Photosynthesis Frank Turner. "Oh when no ones yet explained to me exactly what's so great
  About slaving 50 years away on something that you hate,
  about meekly shuffling down the path of mediocrity. Well if that's your road then take it but it's not the road for me"

• Meditating for the first 15 minutes of waking. It's like the best drug ever. And it's free. Seriously do it. Just try it out for a few days for me? Please? I listen to guided meditations on podcasts. I like ones that make you picture lakes and forests. But that's just me.

• Serial - the podcast. Omg

• The sun. I like eating my lunch in silence in the sun. It's really nice okay.

• Jane Eyre - okay woah. One of my favourite books EVER. Only half way, listening to the audio book... it's phenomenal.
  I like it so much when my sister hugs me in the morning

• I really like baking cakes. Recipes coming yes yes.

Okay so that's this week. It felt busy and scattered to me. I guess I'm in a very important transitional phase of my life... So may as well embrace it? That's what I'm going to do.


Love

Essena x

P.S. Keep looking up. Reach higher. Don't look down at the pain, rise and it'll escape you. You'll allow others to rise as well, you can't carry them all with you. Let it all go. Always look up. It's your time.

Surround your being with those who are rising as well. Look at how they act, give, love, receive and create. Let yourself see them. But please, see yourself. See yourself as a being. It makes breathing all that more easier, I've found anyway.

November 26th, 2015:

Hello,

So it’s Friday. I don’t think I’ve ever had a quicker week in my entire life. It feels like I just blinked. Did I just dream for a few hours? Its still Monday morning right, this can’t be the end of the week?

Seriously though, I couldn’t believe it was Thursday yesterday… Time you so got me.

Before we get into it (this Love Letter is a lot longer than usual) here are the site updates:
(per usual, some links followed)

Things I’m loving:

• Meditations morning and night. Guided. 30 mins.

• The moon. Keeping a journal of the stages and my moods

• Practicing ‘no thoughts’ as much as possible – allows inspiration to find me, a sense of calmness and clarity like nothing else.

• Tut – daily emails

• Song: Teenagers – My Chemical Romance (classic)

• Still an avid SVU Law and Order Fan (but I’ve decided one show a week, because it’s so easy for me to just binge TV/screen watch). But man Olivia is my fictional role model and I love the social issues they play out…

• Connecting myself to Spirit/ the universe/ god (whatever you choose to call it) I'll talk more about this soon.

SO. I am publishing this Love Letter to the site this week, mostly because I want to explain what these weekly messages are, but this week’s message in particular is very… well, it’s important to me. I won’t be publishing anymore anytime soon, because I like the idea that it’s just my own thoughts to those people who actively want to read them…

I didn’t edit the below or really think as I typed, it just flowed.

I can’t upload videos where I’m currently living, so I either venture to the local library or hotspot my phone and load them somewhere that has good reception. So last night at 6.30pm when Episode 2 of Veganism Is Revolutionary was finally done (well, when I was finally happy with it) I drove to the local river, about 30 minutes from where I live. My laptop was sitting in the passenger seat besides me still exporting the file and I was barefoot because I had too many things on my mind to remind myself that shoes were socially expected. That’s kind of the theme of my life right now. Why was I exporting a video whilst driving to a river? Well, I made it a real goal of mine to upload the video before I could call it a day. So in hopes to enjoy this process and feed myself, I got one fine ass juicy veggie burger (mushroom, beetroot, hummus, homemade tomato sauce – utterly delicious) and one organic pear cider, with romantic plans to sit on the rivers edge and enjoy the sunset to myself, whist achieving great data coverage to hotspot my phone and upload.

But the plot thickens. When I walked into the bottle shop to buy the cider, of which was delicious, the lady at the counter instantly looked at me… well actually she kept staring at me. I knew this look and I thought oh god she recognises me. It was weird though, usually when I go makeup free with a face full of breakouts, baggy clothes and hair in a messy bun, not to mention barefoot… I don’t usually attract attention.

Before this all happened, I did attract attention most places I went. As you’ve seen me online, or rather how I portrayed myself to the world, it got me attention. A lot of attention. I perfected my image. I did my hair in perfect curls, natural looking makeup (that was pretty heavy - intense highlighter, blush). I got eyelash extensions and wore one glowing coat of a BB cream that covered most of my blemishes everyday. I always dressed to current trends, new clothes most weeks, nice form fitting clothes I might add, showing off my figure.

I played that role; the insta famous, effortlessly beautiful, carefree vegan model. I looked like the perfect girl if you base that judgment on artificial beauty… or on the beauty you see plastered on screens. I was that girl, I made a career being that girl.

Before this all happened (quit social media, re-evaluated my life), when people stopped me on the street I would instantly feel so insecure. No really, I would. I hated the idea of someone having a preconceived idea of who I was. When I met people and they had no idea of my social status, I felt so much better, like I was free...

In LA though, from the companies that gifted clothes to the people that I was so fortunate to meet, only knew me as this online personality and perfect image…

I used to get so insecure when I meant people who already ‘knew me’. I would obsessively think to myself ‘Do I look okay? Do I seem like the person I am online? Am I being funny? Sweet? Do they like me?’

I just wanted to feel approved of I guess. You know, it's nice feeling liked... or of importance to someone.

I used to get extremely insecure when people would come up to me and say ‘I love your YouTube, I watch all your videos over and over, I love your Instagram, you’re my inspiration.’ I guess a part of me always felt guilty. I’d think, ‘Why do they love me so much? They act like I’m this big celebrity…they keep telling me how great I am…’ It always left me feeling uncomfortable and weird. I can’t quite explain it through words but it felt like I was living someone else’s life… like it was all a lie and some day soon someone will see through it.

I remember one time, maybe a month ago when I first came back from LA this lady and her daughter (11) stopped me at shopping mall. The mum was the one who spoke, as the young girl started crying. Apparently I had impacted her life so much that tears arose. The mum explained how I helped in the recovery of her eating disorder through my Instagram posts and YouTube videos. She explained that eating more and exercise regularly really helped her. I asked, ‘Oh so, are you vegan? Isn’t it the best! How good is eating unlimited carbs and wholefoods?’ The mum replied, ‘Yes we both are, thanks to you and the documentaries you recommended.’

Then this happened.

The mum asked, ‘Do you have a spare few minutes, my daughter would love to ask you some more personal questions?’ I wasn’t in any hurry at all, so we ordered some juices nearby and sat down together.

The next conversation was one of the biggest turning points for me, in my life so far.

The daughter - eleven years of age, medium height, beautiful long brown hair, bright smile, and still watery eyes – she looked so nervous talking to me, she barely looked me in the eyes. I remember telling her, ‘You’re too sweet, but please I’m just like you, I don’t deserve any special treatment.’ And laughing to lighten the mood I told her it actually makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think this helped her relax a little as she asked, ‘So what are your tips for getting signed with a modeling agency?’

I was shocked. Wait what?

I asked again, ‘Jessica why do you want to model?’

She replied, ‘I know I’m only eleven but my dream is to model like you one day, travel the world, stay with other vegan YouTubers and spread a positive message.’

It was this moment everything changed for me. It was the first time I really heard someone describe my life.

It felt alienating, like this wasn’t really me. To this young girl, I was living the dream life, so much so that it was now her life ambition.

I saw myself at eleven through her words. I once dreamed of this career, thinking it would make me so happy and fulfilled.

I was beautiful by societies standards, I spent hours each day filming, photographing and editing my highlights and that allowed me to travel and meet people that did the same things.

I wasn’t at all fulfilled or content with myself, if anything I was the opposite.

I remember her mum looking at me like, ‘So you’re signed with IMG, what are your tips? How did it happen for you? We really want to know what you would recommend Jessica does to get her the same opportunities as you.’

I felt like saying ‘I’m tall, I was born this way, I’m slim, I have a naturally long torso, society says I fit beauty standards and I spent so many hours online that a lot of young girls like your daughter grew to idolize my privilege.’

I didn’t say that. If I could go back in time, I would.

Back then all I could manage to reply with was some lame explanation that I was lucky with social media and put a lot of effort into making visually appealing content.

But as these words trickled out of my mouth I saw the insanity in what I was saying… Is this what I want to do with my life? Is what I want to inspire young minds to think about?

I was once this eleven year old who sat in front of me. I was once this young girl who dreamt of such fame and social approval… I wished for it, obsessed over others who had it…

This conversation mirrored that of countless others. It mirrored what I was being asked on my Tumblr, on my Instagram comments and especially on YouTube. I got attention largely around how I looked, how pretty and slim I appeared in pictures, and how beautiful I made my edited highlights look online.

‘How do I lose weight?’ ‘A stomach like yours?’ ‘How much food should I eat to look like you’ ‘Wear is this dress from’ ‘Who are you dating’ ‘Makeup tutorial please!!!’

I couldn’t understand why everyone seemed to care so much about my personal life and the aesthetics I had. In my head I was spreading positive messages and being myself… but I wasn’t being myself, I was being an edited, polished version… a version that mass society loves and approves of.

What were my positive messages? What was I largely inspiring?

How many young girls now wished they had my life too? How many girls are like Jessica in front of me? What would my eleven year old self think of who I am today?

Am I proud of the person I am? I am truly happy? I wasn’t.

It’s hard trying to explain this from a personal level. How does one say that popularity and superficial beauty doesn’t make you feel whole? That achieving this lifestyle doesn’t make you content…Actually placing value in all that stuff will make you feel incredibly lonely and insecure…

I didn’t want to be the beautiful girl telling everyone to love themselves, for I have an asthenic privilege that many don’t have. I think the privilege I received and promoted was largely ill deserving.




So, the bottle shop last night. As I walked to the checkout the girl asked for my
ID. She looked it briefly and exclaimed, ‘It is you!’

I swallowed.

I’ll try to recount the gist of her excited speech.

She smiled and spoke in this really causal way, ‘You are seriously so cool. No I mean it, I saw that viral video and far out do I do that, actually everyone I know does it. We all just care about these stupid perfect photos and how many people like them. Seriously you made me realize how messed up it is. I joined an art class last week and I seriously can’t wait. I used to say I have no time or that I have no money. Well I spend a few hundred a month on makeup and clothes, and for what? I am now spending that money on art classes. I have always enjoyed art and thought about taking up design. That makes me happy, not spending all my nights watching vlogs on YouTube. I want to make my own life. So yeah, thank you.’

I felt like reaching over the counter and hugging her.

Fortunately (or unfortunately up to her to decide), social boundaries kicked in, and I replied with a sort of ‘Isn’t it crazy how much time and importance we give to these perfected images, and hardly any time to our real lives.’

It was then the guy behind me coughed. I turned around and saw five people behind me, waiting inline. She rolled her eyes and said, ‘I love what you stand for, fuck the haters, real people see what you’re doing and I think reality scares people.’

This felt cool.

She didn’t idolise me, she didn’t want to be me, she didn’t want to look like me, be as thin as me, or do her makeup like me, she didn’t want what I had…she wanted herself, her life and to peruse her talents.

It’s weird, with all the media attention and having so many people want to publicly shame and ridicule what I’m doing… moments like this, well they are new for me.

Here I am, baggy T-Shirt, messy hair, acne, laptop in hand, burger in the other and buying a cider barefoot – I would have been embarrassed to be seen with this girl a few months ago. I put so much emphasis on how I looked and how I appeared to others, that I lost all signs of integrity and sense of self. I lost so much and life.

I grew up wanting to be famous, rich, glamorous, beautiful. I got that, well I was at the start of a very promising career, both in Australia and LA. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t even know myself. I was chasing money, fame… boys after boys I was dating… wanting to fill this whole in me with a fixed idea of love. I was a mess. A hot (by societies standards) mess.

I looked perfect on screen. It’s very easy to pretend. It’s very easy to polish the highlights of your life and compare them with everyone else’s.

Everything I saw behind the doors of this industry… it shocked me… how fake and corrupt so much of it is… how fake I became. Shallow greed and perfect smiles is how I would describe the industry I was in and the way it works… it destroys a lot of reality...

That’s why I’m writing the book, ‘How To Be Social Media Famous’, it’s going to free a lot of people and probably anger the small few that profit off other’s insecurities and capitalism. I was successful at an industry so many idolise. I idolised my life at eleven. If I could go back in time and knew everything I knew now, my life would have been.. well real. . I wouldn’t have idolised that perfect Instagram girl at all. I wouldn’t have spent thousands and thousands on new clothes, makeup and face treatments. I wouldn’t have spent hours thinking about boys or waiting for someone to call me. I wouldn’t have spent half an hour thinking of a good reply. I wouldn’t have wasted so many hours perfecting how I looked or crying over my acne, or how fat I thought my thighs were. I wouldn’t have been on social media at all. I would have made it my priority at eleven to experience real things, real people and explore talents of mine because they made me happy.

I lost a large part of my childhood desperately trying to be someone I thought others would like. I don’t want that for anyone else.

No one told me about what happens when you get the career I had. How your opinions and individuality is suppressed. How you profit largely off superficial attention, born privilege, sexual objectification, nonstop editing and documenting simple life moments… it’s just not the life I want for myself anymore.

So the book, I’m 10,000 words in and I’ve never worked this hard in my life. As in, waking up at 5 to start work at 8.30 (has been 7.30 a lot this week) and finishing at 4,5 and 7.30 last night. I guess I have this new found respect for those who endure such hours Monday-Friday… but I’m really happy like this, like it’s long and it feels like there’s 10 billion projects I am trying to do, but again, it feels real.

I feel free.

Never before have I had a date like that on my own. Never before would I have bought a burger and a cider and actually enjoyed sitting out and watching the sunset, completely be myself.

Who does that? Did you take a photo of it? You need a boyfriend to do those things? Or at least a friend?

Turns out you don’t. I really enjoyed myself last night. I watched huge birds play in and out of the water, I felt the red blaze of the sun, the cool sand as it grew darker… it was just as I shut my laptop (as the video only just finished uploading) that I looked up.

Full moon.

It was just there, gleaming at me. Goosebumps covered my body and I felt a sense of wonder and admiration that I can’t quite explain.

It was moments like this I want. Pure.

I’m working hard at projects I believe in, but the real beauty is not feeling the need or pressure to be anyone that I’m not. It’s taken me 19 years to realise I don’t need something other than what I have to feel content. I don’t need anyone else, a boyfriend, followers, money and approval…

I need myself and I need to really truly like that person; what she does with her time on Earth, how she uses her words and how she believes in a greater plan that is far bigger than her little world. It feels nice feeling small and sensitive and quiet.

I keep looking up and asking the universe (spirit) to let me act from a place of love and integrity at all times.

Last night, it was one of the first times I felt truly beautiful, not looking beautiful, but feeling it. Big comfy T-Shirt, hair in a messy bun and my long skirt all sandy, I felt enough. Sitting on that river’s edge with my burger and moon shinning down, I felt so… alive.

December 4th, 2015

Hello,

What's new? Oh okay:
(and you know...some links followed)

Quote of the week:
“Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.” Anne Lamott

^ Yeah wow.

Okay. Now it's time for the love letter side of things. So, I like to type out my feelings, well I would prefer to handwrite words onto paper... but I can't mail out a physical letter to everyone.

Dammit.

And I know, very creative title. Pat on the back. But when thinking of my mood or what this email will be about... I didn't know. I never have a plan with this, I just type. But today, and this week I've felt a little bgsjagwwi234jewsk. Like the sound you make when you try to speak underwater? You know know what I mean: hehdejgndkfmfcgm.

I'm a little all over the place, excited, overwhelmed, eager, impatient, restless, unsettled. I mean there are many reasons why I feel this way, but staying in this djhsqgfvoobnnwjder feeling all day isn't helping me get through them.

Life lesson x172,273,475.567833332

^ That's a real number.

So.

I don't want these emails to feel all business-y or pure site updates or where I tell you how great I am or how excited you should be for what I'm working on... yeah no, not feeling those options.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY FREEZING IN THIS LIBRAY. Just thought I'd share.

My own cosy place with fast internet is all I need. I miss feeling like a have a home. It's been so long. But I don't mean this in a sad or depressed way. I'm okay. More than okay. I have a billion things to be grateful for. I'm breathing, I'm healthy, I'm free from harm, I have a place to stay, people that care for me, food to eat, the ability to see...

I like to remind myself of these simple things when I feel a little hhjagdsjowoorndsn. It helps. Well it certainly grounds me.

IT'S GETTING HARD TO TYPE AND MY LEFT PINKY IS PURPLE - Freezing library updates part two.

So yeah, a place that feels home. It's a feeling I haven't had for a while, both exteriorly and internally. How symbolic. How True.

I think stability is so far overlooked, as in the importance of it in direct relation to human sanity. I don't mean having to stay in one place all the time, I mean feeling a sense of stability in your life. Consistency, familiarity, safety. Nice warm words. I used to think they were boring. That was until I couldn't feel them at all.


There was this storm. I saw it coming miles away, yet nothing could have prepared me for the inevitable chaos. The wind was strong and coarse that day. The sharks circled around and around. How they watched me and licked their lips. It was lightening that hit my boat and cracked the side. Oh the terror when I saw the ground below me vanish as the icy water rushed in. The greedy waves tried to swallow me whole. "You're boat has surely been rocked", they laughed. Couldn't they see that I was drowning? I couldn't breathe at first, my legs wouldn't move. I'd never been thrown into the deep before. How easy is it to swim when you only know shallow still clear water.

It wasn't the storm that made me drown. The boat filled up with water, but there was were plenty of boats beside me, just like the one I built. I could have jumped right over, onto on of their boats. I could have been safe, protected, silenced, numbed and dry. Suffocating comfort. Would you have believe me if I said I chose to walk the plank? They enjoyed watching me struggle. "She's gone mad" they mocked from their dry, clean boats. But I knew they weren't clean. From afar you might be so foolish to believe the facade, but those boats were truly filthy inside. And weak, just like mine. Made from cheap timber and a cheap build.

I'll admit, I chose this.

I chose to fall into the storm.
And the storm chose me. I asked for it.

I couldn't bare another day up on that boat.

So thank you kind storm, for now I know how to swim in the depths of darkness.

In addition, at the end of her email, there were three "Ask Essena" Q&A type blurbs. I'm not sure if people actually sent these questions in or if they were made up, but I'll add them below.

Lilly: What are your favourite morning meditations? Do you get them of YouTube or somewhere else? I'm having trouble finding good ones. The ones I've been trying are okay but I'm searching for more.

• Hey Lilly, I just started listening to some on the iphone podcast (Hay House Mediations etc), but now that I’m ditching the use of my iphone after work hours, I’m using my laptop that rests on my beside table, with big comfy headphones. A friend of mine recommended Caroline Mysss, so I’m just borrowing her CD’s. Here is her website and the link to the ones I listen to and looooove: http://www.myss.com/product/spiritual-p ... d-evening/ it’s called ‘Energy Evolving Mediation For Morning and Evening’.
  
  SERIOUSLY SO SO POWERFUL. It guides you through your charkas, your daily attitudes, your choices… it’s incredible. I wake up at 5.00 and put them on then before bed I fall asleep to the evening one.

Hello! My name is Kelsie and I just went vegan. I've found myself crying and feeling so angry that it's almost unbearable because of the way animals are treated in this cruel industry. I'm wondering if you have any tips to stop feeling so sad and angry and moving on to becoming a happy and productive vegan? Thank you in advance.

• Hey girl, can I relate! When I first went vegan I was 1) angry at the whole world 2) overwhelmed as to how I could help 3) just lonely and confused as to why everyone in my life didn’t care…
  
  It can be a very very overwhelming and emotional time when you first make the connection to animal lives and our ignorance (or the sold lies. It can be really hard! So my biggest tip would be to try your hardest to forgive yourself, as in your past self. It’s okay to feel this way! Trust me! You’re sooo not alone. I think this is the crucial part of most vegan journeys. I guess this overwhelming may only settle with time (that’s what happened for me) and acceptance. Let yourself know that it’s perfectly normal to feel upset and angry when you find out all this stuff, so please, let yourself feel them. Own them and know that your compassion only makes you stronger.
  
  My best piece of advice is to treat everyone else in your life, how you would like to be treated. Taking five deep breaths whenever someone makes an ignorant remark or joke. Acting out of integrity and truth and acceptance is the best way to move on towards a more positive mentality for yourself.
  
  You said you wanted to become more productive? Just by being a living, active, open and ‘positive for change’ vegan – you are already doing SO MUCH FOR THE ANIMALS. Don’t let a very overwhelmed mindset of ‘uhhh what can I do?’ stop you from doing (arguably) small things in your everyday life. I firmly believe if every vegan took it upon themselves to just be a happy, healthy, open vegan - sharing knowledge with everyone in their own lives – this world would change.
  
  So my newly vegan overwhelmed tips:
  Don’t respond back in negativity to any rude, ignorant or hateful comments from your friends and family might say. Explain to them you believe really strongly about this and those comments make me feel upset.
  When talking to people about veganism, explain what you have learnt from an open, vulnerable, honest and calm way – I think that’s the best way to connect with people in your everyday life. Speak to others like you would like to be spoken to about vegan before you knew what you knew. Talking about all the benefits you have received since going vegan is always a great start!
  Breathe deep and let yourself feel. It’s healthy and natural to be upset and angry.
  Relax yourself by making some yummy vegan treats and sharing them!
  Understand that staying in a negative mindset is not productive. Think ‘instead of feeling overwhelmed, what can I do right now in this moment to calm myself?’
  If you feel like connecting with animals/helping out – donating to relevant animal charities in your areas, searching up organizations close to you and applying to volunteer, or even take it upon yourself to start a club at school/university/for your area maybe to get together with likeminded people? Flyers and notice boards are PERFECT for this!

Nicole: I was wondering if you had any advice on finding true friends and how to get rid of the fake friends. I am currently going through a hard time with friends, and I was wondering if you could help. Thank you for being an inspiration to me and others.
Love always.

• This is a really really tough subject. It’s really hard trying to find the right people in your life and feeling safe/comfortable/supported.
  
  I think the biggest thing is to see how you feel around that person. Now I can’t tell you what to do (only you know the best thing to do right now for you) but I can share you some questions that might give you some clarity around these people in your life, that you may fear are ‘fake’.
  
  What exactly makes you feel as though this person (or persons) are fake? Is it how they treat their other friends? Think about how they have treated you in the past? Has a situation in particular sparked this feeling? Have you talked about it honestly and openly with them?
  
  When in conflict or disagreement – do they belittle you? Say mean unnecessary things? Say negative things about who you are? Say things they know you are insecure about? It’s one thing to say how you feel and how certain actions have made you feel - but it’s a totally different situation when the person consciously speaks negatively and hurtfully to someone else on purpose. How we treat others often does come down to maturity and how we have been treated in the past, but I say a real friend shouldn’t be comfortable repeatedly speaking to you with direct words that are hurtful, cruel or just plain mean. For example, say you feel upset with a friend, you might unconsciously tell them, “You’re self-absorbed, you’re fake, you’re a coward” – now these are all personal attacks and do not come from a loving place. These words are not supportive or words I believe a true friend would say. I am learning to honour myself and others with words that don’t negatively reflect the other person but speak about how I honestly feel. So instead of blaming the other person, you choose to focus on your true feelings, “I feel distant from you, is everything okay? I felt really upset when you did (insert their action). I felt really upset last night because you didn’t call me back. I feel like I’m not getting the truth from you right now, are you being honest with me?” – here we are speaking from a place of non-judgment and honesty. We aren’t blaming or name-calling, we are just stating how we feel. I believe true friends will honour that in each other and want to reach a point of understanding, not ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’. How you treat each other in times of conflict and misunderstanding is a perfect way to understand if the friendship is real or not, or healthy for you to stay in.
  
  Trust. Do you feel as though you can trust them? Are your words safe in their mouth? Do they repeat what you tell them? Do they gossip about you? Do they gossip about their other friends with you (this is not a nice habit, and always made me question, ‘well how do they talk about me?’) Has something happened in the past that has made you feel unsafe around them? Trust is something that takes time and faith to build, and if broken, it needs more time and understanding to rebuild. Trust is a big deal in friendships, if not the biggest deal ahah. So ask yourself, ‘Do I trust this person? If not, why? If you believe in the friendship, let them know why you don’t trust them, and see if they want to understand you and openly work together with you. “You’re a liar and I hate you” is very different to “I feel as though I can’t trust you because of (insert situation or situations)”. Remember talk openly and to never to intentionally put the other person down.
  
  Can you be yourself? Do you feel comfortable enough to be yourself around them or do you feel the need to speak differently, act differently and be different to impress or please them? This is a huge way THING! So many of my younger friendship were built over common interests, and not personality traits. This can be difficult to understand, because you might say to yourself, ‘Oh she’s into photography too” “We both like these types of clothes” “We both like art”. So your friendship is more convenience and commonality then built on more substantial grounds like honesty, integrity, authenticity, love, etc. What do you enjoy about them, who they are? Unconditional friendships are the way to go, so ask yourself, ‘do they get angry when you disagree with them? Is it okay to be different than them? Will they still like me the same if I change?’
  
  I think during life the hardest thing is to be yourself – meaning to fully accept and love who you are right now in the present moment. We all go through big different learning stages. This is life and accepting these changes is a sure fire way to sanity ahah. We all meet people that help us grow and I think realizing the gift in each person that comes into our lives, takes a lot of maturity. “Is this how I want to act, live, speak, be?” “Is this the type of being I want in my life” “Does this person honour and respect me?”
  
  The only way you can truly answer those questions is when you fully honour and respect yourself enough to feel when a friendship just feels wrong, or based on conditions or on little substance. Honour yourself enough to walk away from unhealthy relationships.
  
  Apparently, you are the top five personalities you invest most your time in – so choose very wisely, speak from your heart and work on being the best friend you believe you can be!
  
  Good luck! It’s always hard and usually there is a lot of pain when you figure out someone can not be what you need (as in love, trust, honesty) but it’s these moments we learn so much.

December 11th, 2015:

Hey!!

I'm in my car, profusely sweating, air con broken, it's raining, 'Sunsets' by Powderfinger is playing through my sister's phone, she's singing and I'm hot-spotting of my phone to upload a video and write this letter. How romantic.

There's two main things I want you to watch and they are linked below. So I say watch the videos first, form your own opinions around the topics, then read the rest. Okay cool.

(you know the drill...links followed - they were titled "What Was the Turning Point?" and "Behind the Image: What to Wear")

There's a billion and one things I wish to talk about and share, hence why I'm writing the book...

And as it turns out, book writing takes a lot of time (who knew?).

I want this to be my first priority right now, but I also want to keep sharing what inspires me, other incredible people doing incredible things (game changers) and my own little rambles up on Let's Be Game Changers.

So I've tweaked the site a little to make it a bit clearer with a very minimalistic vibe.

That's the theme of my life right now.

The new tab called 'Daily' is where I'll post just a little something each day (I'll schedule for weekend posts). This could be a new video from me, a written ramble, an Ask Essena, a poem, a quote I resonate with, art I find thought provoking, people doing incredible things, documentaries, clips to watch, organisations... So please, if you have something you want posted or my opinion on (sexist ad, short clip, concept) please feel free to send it in with the subject marked, 'Recommendation'.

So yay, that makes me feel nice, like 'okay a little something each day' with bigger projects taking the first priority. Yay.

OH AND T-SHIRT UPDATE. Finding ethical, organic, drop shipping and sweatshop free T-Shirt printing was a little chaotic. If you aren't aware, I want to be able to wear thought provoking messages whilst I live, run, sleep and go places where there are other humans.

And man let me tell you, if you want to exploit other humans and the environment you can sell T-Shirts for $10 online and still make a profit... doing it fair trade and ethical.... whole different story. But it's happening! We found some that are 50% organic cotton and 50% recycled plastic, sweatshop free! So yay again.

And thanks to some incredible people who are helping me out (a lot) with the organisation of it all, they'll be ready by the new year, so anyone who wants can dress to express (was that too cheesy?). The designs will also be free to download so if you want to print them on a recycled tee you totally can!

Oh and The True Cost Documentary is next on my list, apparently it is incredibly eye-opening about fashion exploitation and the cruelty in cheap buys... So that's something I'm very eager to view and educate myself on. Thank you to the people who recommended it, you freaking rock.

Other than that, Leo Babauta, creator and writer of ZenHabits and Mnmlist is incredible. INCREDIBLE.
These are my current favourite posts:

• Living Lightly With The One Bag Lifestyle

• Avoid the Tendency to Think Your Way is the True Way

• The Zen Habits Holiday Gift Guide

I'm just learning more and more about how to become a minimalist... is that even a correct use of the term? Can you become one? Or is it just a vague term... obviously I am very new at this and unsure of the lingo ahah.

Ultimately though I think the basis is not having many things, keeping your life (physically & mentally) as junk and clutter free possible, so you can focus on real important aspects of life.

And yeah, it mind boggles me how I didn't know about this concept sooner... I mean hello, it took me 19 years to even hear about it.

And it's literally changing my life, as are many things now I'm no longer living in a 2D world.


Love,

Essena xx

P.S. The turning point, video above means a lot to me, give it a watch when you can

P.P.S Still in the car and sweating

P.P.P.S Incredibly grateful for this life

Her next and last letter was the "manifesto," which was sent on January 3rd, 2016. I believe some kind person posted it a few pages back if you want to check it out.

Anyways, *big sigh* there are all the newsletters I received from her. To tell you the truth, I don't think her message was too terrible at the beginning. Her whole "social media is fake" thing was a bit over done, but she had fresh ideas about other things and was planning on using her "following" to do some good, productive stuff. She was talking about spreading veganism and minimalism and building confidence in young girls and all that stuff, and I supported it even though her ideas were sometimes very jumbled and all over the place. But, as we all know, it didn't really work out as she took down a majority of the content on her website and essentially disappeared.

Sorry for how long this post is! Hope you enjoy.

[icwhatudid]

^ P.P.P.P.S. Donate to me so I can exploit you. And yes everyone should be transparent other than me. Hypocrisy at its best.

[UpYours]

This comment was posted on one of the YT videos about Essena not giving any accounting to her followers of the money she got and "donated":

Alison McClymont 10 hours ago
Hi, I am a producer at ABC Television in Sydney. If you have donated money to Essena can you please contact me. Thank you in advance for your help. Kind regards, Alison McClymont ABC Television T: +61 2 8333 3147E: [email protected] T: @alisonmcclymont

Interesting to see that at least one media outlet isn't simply parroting what Essena wrote in her manifesto, but is actually attempting to look deeper into what has become the major issue in the online community around Essena.

[Layla0606]

good for ABC, I'm expecting some good old scandal! she deserves every peace of shit flying her way

[Dandelion]

Yay.

[Layla0606]

still waiting for the shitstorm to happen

[xkiwilava]

still waiting for the shitstorm to happen

If ABC hasn't done the story by now, then it's no longer happening. There isn't enough interest, it's as if she's gone invisible and no one cares anymore...The only way a new story would come out at this point is if it's about the book publishing date or something.

[bomble]

I hope she can still fit into her bikini.

Still the best comment

[Guest]

On the topic of donations. I think Essena believes every fart out of her ass is pure gold that people should be ecstatically grateful for. Every (totally random, commonplace) thought that happens to flutter across her dim mind is amazing. She thinks having these incredible revelations (that people have every day) are hard work and that people must be relieved to finally be able to reimburse her for all the gifts they have been given. I really think Essena feels that entitled and has such a disproportionately high opinion of herself. Someone probably broke into applause every time Essena finished her dinner or went potty while she was growing up. I think she sees herself as a supremely gifted, hard working writer and guru figure who deserves to be paid generously by her followers. She is probably wondering why no one has built her a palace or a pyramid.

Reminds me of Chloe Morello's attitude when people found out she has a donation button on her youtube channel. Like she feels entitled to people's money. It's that age group... first generation youtube/social media girls who got lucky and think they deserve so much more for the crap they do.

[peanutella]

Is there a thread for Nina and Randa or Bonny Rebecca? Can't seem to find it.

[Beyonce Knowles]

Sooo...any news on her? Think she's living off the grid and waking up at 5 am every day to work on her book? Lmao... and working with that scam artist that you guys posted pics of her with?

[Jerseybitch]

Yeah, she kinda fell off the face of the earth. Her scam artist manager is probably conditioning her Scientology style so when she does break back into the media its completely orchestrated. Soon queenie will be able to brainwash more of her fans! Speaking of which, has Essena sent out anymore manifestos?

[Beyonce Knowles]

^No, I haven't gotten any new emails from her.

[bomble]

Was wondering the same thing thing. This feels like what she SEEMED to want at the beginning of it all, gone from any site and all media, just disappeared, not in or even mentioned in any of her families posts online that I've seen.
I guess it's just wait and see if it stays like this or she pops up one day promoting a book (which will be difficult when everyone has forgot about her and no longer checks her website plus instagram and youtube gone).

[xkiwilava]

Apparently a few people have seen her at University of Queensland in Brisbane, which I believe is a different school than the one she originally attended (QUT? I could be wrong)

[sharktea]

hahahahaah I go to one of those unis and basically live at the other, will keep my eyes peeled

[HiElla]

Here mom posted 2 pictures on her Facebookpage with Essena. She is using make-up again and fixed her hair!