I need advice, ladies...please help if you can

Post by **BellaJane** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 5:59 pm

This is a little more personal than I like to get online, but I really need some advice. I just found out that an older relative of mine had her daughter sent to a clinic because she's suffering from anorexia. From what i can gather, her condition is dangerously serious. Coming from the same family and having dealt with the same pressures and stresses from them, I can sympathize with her. But she's so much deeper than I ever was. She come from the rich side of the family, her parents are so focused on their own lives and their business and they just want a perfect little daughter and...its a huge mess. Shes only 16. I'm so lost on how to help her. She lives on the other side of the country, she's not allowed phone time or computer time. were not overly close because of the distance apart, but i feel like i need to do something. i just dont know what to do. I want to do everything I can to help her get better because I really don't see her parents helping much at all without trying to make her feel guilty about being sick. But I 'm also 27 so I'm a bit far removed from being a teenager and I don't want it to come off like I'm pushing at her or putting more pressure on her like everyone else. Im worried that Ill send her the wrong thing or write her the wrong letter and it'll just make things worse :-/ I need advice.

Anyone who has suffered an eating disorder, what could someone have done to help you? Even if you weren't close to that person...?

Anyone who has been there for someone suffering from an eating disorder, what did you do to help them?

Post by **VelvetTeddy98** » Sat Aug 15, 2015 1:20 pm

I think the best thing you can do is tell her you're there for her. No wrong can come about when you tell someone you care for them. I'm not sure how you can contact her though, as you said she doesn't really have phone or computer time. Is she in a rehab centre? Try contacting them, maybe send her a letter or a phone call if she is. She doesn't have anyone by the sounds of it, and since you're a family member (even though you're not close) you clearly care for her, and she needs to know it. I know for a fact it will help her, even the slightest bit.

Post by **Pastel** » Sat Aug 15, 2015 3:52 pm

I agree that the best thing would be to just let her know that you're there for her. Especially since you're really able to relate to her situation and sympathise with her. It can be hard to get someone to really let you in, because eating disorders often come with a great deal of self-loathing and doubt. But letting her know that you're there for her couldn't hurt, I think.

Personally I also prefer talking to people who are far away from me when I'm not doing so well. It feels a lot less threatening when it's someone you don't see all the time. That probably doesn't apply to everyone though, but there's a chance.

All the best to you and your relative

Post by **hollaatmegurl** » Wed Aug 19, 2015 10:36 am

Pastel Rage wrote:I agree that the best thing would be to just let her know that you're there for her. Especially since you're really able to relate to her situation and sympathise with her. It can be hard to get someone to really let you in, because eating disorders often come with a great deal of self-loathing and doubt. But letting her know that you're there for her couldn't hurt, I think.

Personally I also prefer talking to people who are far away from me when I'm not doing so well. It feels a lot less threatening when it's someone you don't see all the time. That probably doesn't apply to everyone though, but there's a chance.

All the best to you and your relative

Echoing what VelvetTeddy and Pastel Rage said, just letting her know you're there for her, and can relate, that she isn't alone. If I had someone tell me that when I was going through it, it would have meant a lot. My family (sorry gonna get personal here for a second) either ignored it, or treated it like some new gossip to just spread around and make it about themselves so if someone, even a distant relative, would have just told me hey, I care about you and I've been there and I'm here for you...that would have been really nice.

Also the bit Pastel Rage said that i bolded/italicized - I'm the same way, I think a lot of people are. For some reason it seems to be a lot easier to talk to someone you don't talk to/see all the time about the bad stuff.

I wish all the best to you and your relative, I hope you can get ahold of her by sending a letter or something.

Post by **starviolet** » Wed Aug 19, 2015 3:37 pm

Having been in her - the person you're concerned about - situation, I can attest that any support is appreciated, even from a distant relative. It's a fact of life that people tend to say 'you can count on me' and then when you're in that bad place, they're all unheard of. You learn who your true family and friends are.

I'm saying this because feeling alone is a massive aspect of eating disorders, as I'm sure you know, and she might wonder why you're reaching out to her when you're not even close (at all?). I'd also try to be realistic, to her and to yourself, as to how you can you can actually help her, seeing as you live far away from each other and she doesn't have access to email or a telephone for now. I don't mean to sound cynical, just realistic, as you seem very eager to help. I'm sure just even getting a letter of support will make a difference!

Post by **Shadow1992** » Sat Oct 08, 2016 11:39 pm

I had an eating disorder from I was about 11 years old to 22 years old (I probably still do). The mental part is still there but I'm trying to find a psychologist to get a better self-esteem.

I was never sent to a clinic though because no one noticed (even though I was very skinny) and I never said anything because I was ashamed and felt like a burden. I was very lonely and alone all the time. I needed some time with other people (playing games, talking etc.) - and perhaps she does too. Time that isn't necessary about her eating disorder. Perhaps you could bond around something that interests you both so the eating disorder isn't always the main focus.

I also really needed someone to just listen without judging me or telling me that my thoughts are silly. I also hated when people told me that they knew what I was feeling without even asking me.

I don't know what you could do to help and your relative isn't necessary like me - but I think the others come with some great ideas. Just a letter or knowing that someone cares is enough to make someones day.

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